"Granny’s funeral was this morning. I suppose this is her Independence Day. That’s how I’ll remember it. She died early on Wednesday morning and I would much rather we’d waited until tomorrow to have her burial. From now on I won’t be able to enjoy another July 4th because I’ll always remember it as the day we buried Granny.  But I had no say in the matter. I was a pallbearer this morning. I didn’t want to do that either. I wanted to sit with my family and process my emotions in my own time. Yet again I had no say in it. I was “volunteered” by my mother and my aunt. Conscripted, I guess you could say. Forced to sit on the other side of the church with cousins I haven’t seen in ages, apart from the rest of my family, where I had to sort out my thoughts in between aspects of a job I didn’t want to do. But I wasn’t given the choice.  Why do I feel so ambivalent about this? I think it has to do with the fact that for the last fourteen years my life has been dominated by Granny and her needs. Don’t get me wrong. I loved my grandmother very much. She was my best friend in so many ways. I don’t regret anything I did for her. But I do regret letting her take up so much of my youth. I haven’t really had a chance to live my own life up till now. I’ve been totally involved and devoted to her and her needs. I can’t say that I’m a victim because I chose to live the life I’ve lived up to now. Working because I had to and letting Granny have my spare time was my choice. I can’t blame anyone. Not even her. It was my decision.  Why did I make these choices? I am convinced it has to do with the fact that once upon a time Granny was my safe place in the world. She gave me stability and a feeling of safety that I couldn’t find any place else. I was treated with love and kindness when I was with her. I didn’t have to worry about verbal abuse or being forced to do things I didn’t want to do when I was staying at her house. So it was with a sense of duty that I gave up so much of my life to her. I felt I owed it to her. Maybe I didn’t. Maybe I did. If I ever know for sure I’ll write it down.   Being “volunteered” to be a pallbearer is something I guess I should have expected when I think about it. So much of my life in the last several years has been controlled by forces outside my influence that I shouldn’t feel bad about not getting to grieve in my own way right now. One thing I do know however is that I will never again be in this position. Everyone else gets to live their lives according to their own choices and from now on so will I. So as to not look bad to my other family members, I did not refuse to be a pallbearer this morning. But I did speak with my mother and tell her quite clearly that she shouldn’t ever “volunteer” me for anything. I explained my feelings and how she deals with them is her problem. I am from today forward my own person. I won’t feel forced to do anything else ever again in my entire life.   You see, I’ve done more from Granny in the last few years than anyone else in the family. I should have been given the most consideration but I was not. I was quite quickly lumped in with the other grandchildren by my mother and her siblings in such a way as to let me know that in their view I was “just” a grandchild. While they got to live their own lives and do what they pleased I was taking care of Granny, giving up my days off and my vacation weeks to her, but this meant nothing to anyone else. Today proved that to me and it also made me see that I have to be assertive from here on or I’ll be seen in this manner forever. And I have too much respect for myself to let that happen. So today was Granny’s Independence Day and it was mine as well. I did my duty, and more, but from now on my life is mine. I will live to make myself happy and everyone else can do the same. I won’t give up my life anymore for anyone else. I’m almost thirty-six years old. I don’t have another fifteen years to give to anybody. I’m entitled to live my own life.  All bitterness over. All hurt feelings given the push. I am my own man."