SCENE 1. INT. NIGHT. THEATRE IN A NORTHERN TOWN WITH TELEVISION CAMERAS DOTTED ROUND THE STAGE AND ONE CAMERA ON EXTENDED ARM MOVING BETWEEN AUDIENCE AND PANEL. A PANEL COMPRISING JESUS, ROUSSEAU, PLATO AND ARISTOTLE ARE ON THE STAGE FLANKING DAVID DIMBLEBY

DAVID

We are here at the Middleton Arena built on the historic site of Middleton Gardens for tonight’s special edition of Question Time. Tonight we are fortunate to have not only four of the most significant movers and shakers in the history of western culture on the stage; we have in the audience a scattering of philosophers and political leaders from our history. We also have lots of people from our host town Middleton who will be asking the questions and holding our esteemed panel to account. Our first question comes from a Mr Jim Western of Middleton.

JIM

Thank you David. I think it is clear that the historic dichotomy which has separated secular and religious perspectives for centuries has in fact come to a head as church and state have learned to live in relative harmony in present times. My question is therefore, does the panel remember the railway station on Townley Street and would they bring it back?

DAVID

Aristotle, you are credited as the founding father of empiricism and from there the progression towards an increasingly secular based form of government such as democracy. What’s your answer to the question?

ARISTOTLE

I think I can speak on behalf of my mentor, Plato, as well as myself here in that the rise and demise of that station came two-thousand or so years after our existence. Indeed, I would say much the same for Jesus here. As such I cannot speak to the specifics here but the progression towards a democratic society, as described in my book, The Politics, is entirely welcome even though there are some casualties. This station may have been one such casualty.

DAVID

Jesus, what do you think?

JESUS

There were many rooms in my father’s hotel in Blackpool and the closure of the railways under that Doctor Beecham fella was bang out of order. All of a sudden the big spenders from Middleton were off to Benidorm and we lost out.

DAVID

Excuse me but are you not Jesus, son of God?

JESUS

No, I’m Jesus DelMontie, son of Jose the hotel mogul.

DAVID

Plato?

PLATO

It appears to me that the railway both came in and went out of Middleton. Finally it only went the one way only but now Middleton can find its true direction.

DAVID

What do you think of the answers, Jim Western?

JIM

Well, I think that the station provided the means to get to places that insisted on changing as the world revolved. We can’t have that sort of thing here and on balance, which is not a word we often use in Middleton, its best in memory only. We like that.

DAVID

Our next question is from Charlotte D’Arlot from Middleton.

CHARLOTTE

We’ve had a lot of talk of so called multi-culturalism. In Middleton we have a population of almost hundred per cent white and believe any further dilution could impact on our children’s futures. What have you bunch of pseudo intellectuals got to say about that then?

DAVID

Rousseau, you wrote a discourse on the origin of inequality and treaties on the social contract. What do you think?

ROUSSEAU

As I said when I was alive, all men are born equal and yet everywhere you look they are in chains.

FAT MAN IN AUDIENCE

What do you mean equal? Who’s in chains? I’m not equal and not in chains and what bothers me is the shoving of halal meat down my throat. I mean, I don’t want to eat it and yet if I say I don’t want it I’m told I’m racist.

DAVID (LOOKS AT CAMERA)

My apologies for earlier but we brought the wrong Jesus to the stage. We now have the real one so over to him.

JESUS

Although it is true that I spoke almost exclusively to the Jewish people, I was in fact talking to the world when I spoke of loving your neighbour.

FAT MAN

Yeah, yeah, yeah. You say that now but you never had to eat halal food.

JESUS

But neither do you.

WOMAN IN AUDIENCE

We have anti cruelty laws in this country. Are you saying that these people who have come into this country with the expressed desire to kill all the infidels while claiming benefits and living in council flats, can kill animals and then eat them?

JESUS

I think that perhaps one of us is missing the point.

WOMAN IN AUDIENCE

You got that right Jew boy. You don’t seem to get it that we are Christians here and that means we don’t like Muslims, Jews and God knows what coming into Middleton forcing their vegetarian, Kosher, Halal, fancy food fads down our throat.

DAVID

Let’s move on to another question. Barry Worseforwear…..

BARRY

All I’ve been hearing about, apart from what has just been said about other things, is that people should have rights. We’ve got the equal rights demanded by the people who think they are treated less well than others, we got teenagers claiming something called a right of passage and the other day I had a bloke in a car coming out of a street claiming he had the right of way. Its political correctness gone mad!

DAVID

Rousseau?

ROUSSEAU

I’ve just noticed Tom Paine in the audience perhaps we can ask him?

TOM

Thank you Jean Jaques. When I wrote my book, The Rights of Man, I was seeking to …..

MAN IN AUDIENCE

When I wrote my book? We don’t need books here. I went to the school of hard knocks and the university of life. I’ve a degree in struggle and a diploma in looking after number one.

SECOND MAN IN AUDIENCE

I was at the same university as the other fella and I got an honours degree in saying it how it is. Kids today don’t know they’re born and in my day would have had a thick ear for having an opinion. Now everyone thinks they have the right to think and when they start thinking where do you think that could lead?

DAVID

Can I ask that we calm down and engage in a civilised debate on these subjects?

SECOND WOMAN IN AUDIENCE

Don’t you come that southern civilised debate claptrap here! We, have spent years looking backwards to when Middleton was the centre of the world.

DAVID

Columbus, you may have some thoughts on this?

COLUMBUS

I think that my journey to what became known as the Americas conclusively proved that the world was much greater than Middleton.

LARGE MAN AT BACK OF THEATRE

Who are you to tell us about the rest of the world you Italian ponce? Everyone knows that Middleton is better than anywhere else.

DAVID (LOOKING TO CAMERA)

Well we have introduced some of history’s most respected philosophers and discoverers and yet the audience here is adamant and steadfast in its belief of its self-righteousness. There’s no Question Time next week because we have exclusive cover of Lucifer’s failed bid to host the next Winter Olympics where he had said that when Middleton accepts any new ways of thinking, Hell will most definitely freeze over.