The Last Letter for My First Love
The Last Letter for My First Love
Dear you, When I confirmed my speculations that you liked me, I felt confused. I was a 13-year-old girl who had a troubled personality, a wrecked emotional state and a hanging sense of independence. The feelings you had for me felt like a threat. But I wasn't afraid of you. I was afraid of the feelings I had for you. I was so afraid it will eat me alive. You were like a sunshine that walked through that storm of my life and offered your heat in the midst of the coldness and the disastrous state of my being. Having not known what a sunshine could do to me, I refused your offer of light. Nonetheless, you were persistent. You continued to offer me light and happiness even without my consent. And just like that, I fell for your light. I never thought love was uncontrollable. I thought I could control that form of intense feeling building up within me when you're around. I thought I can stop myself from smiling when you smiled at me, control my tripled heartbeat when you looked at me, and resist your charms when you chose to be charming. Seeing you with other girls, I thought, "He's too good for me." To me, you were perfect, ideal, and complete. And someone as perfect as you should not be with someone like me who was confused, in pain, bothered and pessimistic at that time. I tried to push you away, hurt you intentionally, and make you feel unimportant so you won't risk yourself with me. Because I was dangerous. I was incomplete and unready and scared. I was so so scared. And you have no idea how tempting it was to just run to you and tell you that you were my only comfort. But I can't. Because you deserved better than me. I kept denying my feelings for you because I don't want to get hurt. Love hurts, my sister said, when she experienced her first heartbreak with her first boyfriend. I didn't want the same pain and tears she had so I had to deny you. But destiny played a nasty trick. The day you and her became a couple was the day I realized I liked you. My jealousy was unexplainable. The pain, rage and regret was something I had to bear with everyday. Something I had to hide with a smile when the two of you were around. I can't remember how many times I wished it was my hand you were holding, my eyes you were looking at, my forehead you were kissing and my shoulders you were hugging. There were too many times when I wished I was the one receiving your I love yous, your cares and your affection. And everytime I saw you become sweet to her made me want to just stop going to school and fly to another planet. There were plenty of times when I closed my eyes when the two of you were passing by. You have no idea how hard I tried to stay away from you so I won't slip and tell you I love you. I loved you even after that. I thought maybe if I improved myself, you'd learn to like me again. I tried shaping back what was distorted so I could say I’m worthy of you. I readied myself for the day I will be able to tell you how much you meant to me. I had to be well-prepared to tell you because if I’d just say it, I know I’ll faint or maybe even back out. Little did I know, while I was preparing to be yours, you were already ready for someone else. I was already out of the equation before I even started solving the problem.The purpose of this letter is to just let go of my feelings for you. You might ask me why it’s so hard for me to let go of you. This is why. You were the reason why I started writing romance novels, the reason why I write to inspire, and I write about love. It was my form of releasing my feelings for you since I can’t tell it to your face. Every hero possessed you, every scene was made with the thought of you, and every happy ending was a wish we’d end up the same. It was my fault why my feelings went deeper than expected. Because unreleased feelings have their own way of consuming you whole. But now I have to let go. You were a beautiful part of me. Sadly, not all beautiful things last.
Love,Me
Dear you, When I confirmed my speculations that you liked me, I felt confused. I was a 13-year-old girl who had a troubled personality, a wrecked emotional state and a hanging sense of independence. The feelings you had for me felt like a threat. But I wasn't afraid of you. I was afraid of the feelings I had for you. I was so afraid it will eat me alive. You were like a sunshine that walked through that storm of my life and offered your heat in the midst of the coldness and the disastrous state of my being. Having not known what a sunshine could do to me, I refused your offer of light. Nonetheless, you were persistent. You continued to offer me light and happiness even without my consent. And just like that, I fell for your light. I never thought love was uncontrollable. I thought I could control that form of intense feeling building up within me when you're around. I thought I can stop myself from smiling when you smiled at me, control my tripled heartbeat when you looked at me, and resist your charms when you chose to be charming. Seeing you with other girls, I thought, "He's too good for me." To me, you were perfect, ideal, and complete. And someone as perfect as you should not be with someone like me who was confused, in pain, bothered and pessimistic at that time. I tried to push you away, hurt you intentionally, and make you feel unimportant so you won't risk yourself with me. Because I was dangerous. I was incomplete and unready and scared. I was so so scared. And you have no idea how tempting it was to just run to you and tell you that you were my only comfort. But I can't. Because you deserved better than me. I kept denying my feelings for you because I don't want to get hurt. Love hurts, my sister said, when she experienced her first heartbreak with her first boyfriend. I didn't want the same pain and tears she had so I had to deny you. But destiny played a nasty trick. The day you and her became a couple was the day I realized I liked you. My jealousy was unexplainable. The pain, rage and regret was something I had to bear with everyday. Something I had to hide with a smile when the two of you were around. I can't remember how many times I wished it was my hand you were holding, my eyes you were looking at, my forehead you were kissing and my shoulders you were hugging. There were too many times when I wished I was the one receiving your I love yous, your cares and your affection. And everytime I saw you become sweet to her made me want to just stop going to school and fly to another planet. There were plenty of times when I closed my eyes when the two of you were passing by. You have no idea how hard I tried to stay away from you so I won't slip and tell you I love you. I loved you even after that. I thought maybe if I improved myself, you'd learn to like me again. I tried shaping back what was distorted so I could say I’m worthy of you. I readied myself for the day I will be able to tell you how much you meant to me. I had to be well-prepared to tell you because if I’d just say it, I know I’ll faint or maybe even back out. Little did I know, while I was preparing to be yours, you were already ready for someone else. I was already out of the equation before I even started solving the problem.The purpose of this letter is to just let go of my feelings for you. You might ask me why it’s so hard for me to let go of you. This is why. You were the reason why I started writing romance novels, the reason why I write to inspire, and I write about love. It was my form of releasing my feelings for you since I can’t tell it to your face. Every hero possessed you, every scene was made with the thought of you, and every happy ending was a wish we’d end up the same. It was my fault why my feelings went deeper than expected. Because unreleased feelings have their own way of consuming you whole. But now I have to let go. You were a beautiful part of me. Sadly, not all beautiful things last.
Love,Me
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