The last few weeks have been a whirlwind, blessed whirlwind but a crazy, billowing, hair-pulling storm none-the-less. I’ve noticed, and my perceptive spouse reminds me, that I am so busy running and connecting, promoting and listening, booking and reading, that I am neglecting my most important role. I am Kenzie’s guardian. I am her rock, her safe place, her care giver and her unconditional source of love. My husband would also tell you that he does the same duties for our daughter. In fact, he takes his lunch late so that he can meet her and walk her home from the bus almost every day, but there is something different about the maternal love I bring my children. It is a love that no one else can give them. Only I can. And I haven’t been doing as good a job as I need to be.
So I took the time last night to build a fish costume with my sweet baby girl. She painted cupcake wrappers gold and I hot glued them on a poster board to look like scales. We laughed. We talked. All right, I did have to fuss at her about not putting her gold paint splattered fingers on the walls (What is about kids that they always have to touch walls as they run past to go to the bathroom?) but the fussing was minimal.
At one point, I got down on my knees, hugged her very close, kissed her on the forehead and told her how much I loved her, how happy I was to be her mother. I felt her heart connect with mine in that instant. There are such things as heart hugs and that was one for sure.
Later, Kenzie followed me around while we fed horses and dogs. Once they were fed and in for the night, she came and stood in front of me. “Momma, I loved the moment we had in the kitchen. Thank you for being a good Momma,” she said. Her honesty, her feelings that are always right there on the surface, her innate goodness, all of her unique wonderfulness hit me between the eyes, and I realized one very important secret to what does make a good mother, or a good father, or a good writer, or a good spiritual leader, or a good interviewer: a good human being, really. Validation.
We all want to have someone look at us and say: “I see you. I love you. I am right here in this moment completely with you. I SEE YOU.”
I will try to do this more often. I will listen instead of just nodding my head while I am thinking about the 14 other things I have to do. I will take part in the communion that is communication.
Will I be able to do this all the time? Ha! No, but I will make a point to do it as often as possible. At the grocery store I will make eye contact and smile. At the post office I will make eye contact and smile. In line at the bank I will make eye contact and smile. I will look to see the Divine spark that is in us all.
I wish you sight and I wish you well. Comfort of Fences