Room 319

The moon peeks in through the caramel curtains bringing nature into this unnatural place. The TV remains on and I’m afraid someone will hear my thoughts in silence. I hear her crying while I’m dying inside, so I walk towards the bathroom of this foreign hotel room. Stopping I see the lights sneak through all four cracks of the closed door. I hold my breath and walk in. How can I comfort her? How can I comfort myself?  She’s in my presence, naked, but not for me. I want to hold her, but I’m afraid she’d break, afraid my fears will seep into her pores and become a part of her, the part that I should be. But I can’t. I touch her arm. She’s as soft as every woman should be.

The bathroom faucet is on, filling the tub with purity in hopes that the constant stream will relax our scattered rhythm. She steps into the tub, but her shadow remains.

“I’m okay, really. It’s a big day for us. When ‘s Steve coming?” Nikki asks me.

“He should be on his way. This is it baby. Are you ready?” she shoots me a seductive glance through her watery eyes. “Okay, I know you’re ready?”

“Are you going to stay in the room with us?” she softly asks.

“What do you think?”

I never thought it would be this hard. We have planned this day for months now. Why am I so nervous. In just a few hours it will be over with and our family will be complete: Nikki, our child, and me. Our child. Two women raising one son. I hope it’s a boy. I never wanted anything so much than for Nikki to bear our own son. Steve, he’s cool.  I’ve known him for a few years now and he has always been supportive of our lifestyle. So when we took him to dinner three months ago and propositioned him to father our child he was absolutely thrilled for us to have chosen him.

I remember poking my head into his office right before lunch and asking him if he wanted to grab a bite after work. There was something I wanted to talk to him about. At dinner I saw the two of them together, Nikki’s coffee colored skin with his bright eyes.  Nikki was too embarrassed to speak, so she just fumbled with her thumbs. I knew by the drips of sweat that ran down the side of her face that we needed to just come out and ask, so I did.

“Steve, we need to talk to you about something.” I took a breath and he gestured for me to continue.  “You know that I love Nikki and she loves me, and when people are in love they want to start preparing for certain things.”

He straightens his posture and leaned forward, “what are you preparing for?”

“A family,” I replied.

He leaned back with a smile, “a family, well I’ll be… You know you have my blessing. Have you set a date yet? I say you should have it in Hawaii. And if you’re trying to butter me up to get some time off work for a honeymoon, the answer is yes. My gift to you.” He tilted his head slightly as if taking off his hat to us. Nikki looked up from twirling her thumbs and just blurted it right out.

“No, no silly, we want you to father our child.”

You can just imagine the look on his face when those words came out. It was a tuff ditch to crawl out of. The way she just blurted it out, like she knew he would say yes and he did.

What drew me to him were his features: tall, athletic, dark, and smart, really smart. I worked for his accounting firm for three years before I began to look at him differently.  The doctor that we all went through to plan this said that even he couldn’t have picked a better donor. Nikki could have been artificially inseminated, but the cost wasn’t an option for us.  It was too expensive of a procedure not to know who the father would be or at least some of his tendency, his character traits. Steve wasn’t interested in being called daddy or our son being introduced to his family and that’s why he was perfect. I thought and Nikki agreed.

Now we’re here and I can’t help but think twice about everything. It’s something that we can’t turn away from after it’s done. What if she likes it? Him inside her creating life. What if the bond they create in an hour’s time grows stronger than our bond over the last four years.

Nikki senses my reflection and says, “Lisa Sweetie, let’s just do what’s comfortable. We’ve planned so much already, and I… I’m kinda nervous.” Her tears fall quietly like tippy toes into the bath water, splattering softly, sending small waves rippling throughout the bathtub. Her dark hair flows smoothly down her back. I am as thin as a thirteen-year-old boy, but she makes me stronger. Our life together helps me to stay strong for our future family. I walk over to Nikki waiting in the tub and kneel down to her in prayer form.

As she steps out of the small tub, puddles of water leave unified trails behind. She puts on her terry cloth robe with the Hilton logo resting on her breast, and I take her hand in my sweaty palms and I lead her towards the queen size bed.

“I don’t know what’s taking him so long,” I say as I sit down on the hard burgundy carpet. “What do you want to eat tonight?” I ask.

“I don’t know maybe Chinese,” she glances down at her apparel. “Should I put on some clothes or am I okay with this?” She’s holds on to the rim of the robe.

“Keep that on. You’re gonna have to take your clothes off anyway.”

“Don’t say it like that. I mean this might be more natural, not natural, umm… comfortable, with my clothes on first,” Nikki speaks, but watches her words carefully.

“Well put your clothes on then.” I lean forward so that she can get up. The phone rings, our eyes connect, and she answers, “Hello.”

She slouches comfortably, “We’re in room 319,” she says.

He says something to make her laugh. God I wish I could make her laugh, but I’m so nervous.

“Well are you going to put on some clothes?” For some reason I want her clothes on now. I don’t want him to see her in her nude glory. He may get addicted to the view. I know I did.

I open the door for him and he comes in with a paper bag in hand. We stand in the doorway for a moment and I examine his features one last time. He stares back and I see myself in his eyes. I see my son.

“What’s in the bag?” I ask.

“Oh, just a bottle of Merlot.”

Merlot? What was he doing? This isn’t a date. Why is he bringing date drinks? He felt my concern and says, “It’s for you, I know this is a big day for you two, maybe a glass?”

Why am I questioning him? He’s a good guy, so thoughtful. It isn’t him that I question; it is the thing between his legs that makes me apprehensive. I don’t have one, he does, and we need it. I whisper thanks and walk him fully into the room. Nikki and Steve say their hellos while I pour the drinks. Steve makes a toast, “To my wonderful friends and their new addition. Cheers.” We sip the dark drink in silence.

***

Darkness, that’s what I’ll do. Turn off the lights! If I close the curtain tightly the room will be midnight black and he won’t be able to see her body. Nikki closes her eyes as she sips her drink. She rolls her shoulders back and breaths out in a hum. I know that routine. It’s her way of getting in the mood. Nikki drops her robe to the floor as if she has done this before and sits on the bed. I rush over to the curtains and shut them with force. The room is dim now, not dark and there was nothing I could do about it. In faint light is where everyone is beautiful.

***

Words flow through sound like feathers in the wind. The bed creaks the old screech of a moving mattress and she calls for me

“Lisa, baby, are you with me?”

Justified infidelity. He’s inside of her like an organ or a missing puzzle piece. His sweat rains down onto Nikki uniting with hers, forming a small puddle of lust. Or is it love? Or is it life? He breathes heavy like a track runner nearing the end of a race. How long will this last? He brushes the side of her cheek as she always likes. There’s a secure cry of satisfaction. Did I do that? Is it my touch? I wish there was a handbook to falsify my insecurities. I shouldn’t be here. This isn’t for me. If I zone out will this all become a blur?

I look up to the extension of his shadow as it hovers over Nikki and I see my son. I think we’ll name him Stan. Startling me out of my daydream Nikki belts out, “OH MY GOD!! Steve!! LISA!! MY GOD.”

Steve’s name. God’s name. My name. He’s hurting her. I need to save her. Up and down like a see-saw. He’s going to break her if he doesn’t stop. The room boils and so does my soul.

“Stop,” I scream and on cue my commands are obeyed. The room instantly sings a silent hum. They both stare straight at me standing nervously at the edge of the bed. “Nikki baby, he’s hurting you!” Slowly repeating myself as I inch around the bed to her side, “he’s hurting you?” If I say it enough times then maybe she’ll believe it. Stating it as a fact I say, “He’s hurting you.”

Steve rolls over from his mounted position and says, “I should’ve been gentler,” he looks past Nikki over to me like a sinner asking a priest for forgiveness. “Are you okay?” he asks.

“Give us a minute.” I take Nikki’s hand and my Virgin Mary arises, walking abruptly to the bathroom. I walk behind her shooting Steve a disapproving glance.

Now we are in our temporary meeting room. She hops her bare body unto the marble counter top and I lean on the door. What is she thinking? She has this disappointed glare as if I just kidnapped her from a euphoric wonderland.

“How do you feel?” I ask.

“How do you feel?” she repeats the question.

“Nikki let’s try it another time. It’s too much going on now.”

She looks away, “Whatever you want babe. Okay this might not have been a good idea,” she says.

Did she like it? I just know she did. She won’t look me in the eyes. I should ask her. No. Okay I will. “So how did it feel? Was he hurting you?”

“No, it was okay, I guess just different.  It was…um, I don’t know, just different.”

“Different good or different bad?” I ask.

“Come here,” she says extending her bare arms to me. She places my head on her breast, in practice for the mother she should be. “Lisa, baby, you have nothing to worry about. We’ll try another way,” she then kisses me on the forehead.

Nikki stays in the bathroom. I walk down the short hallway to the queen size bed and see Steve sitting on the edge of the bed cradling his head in his hands. He senses my presence and looks up. Steve’s chubby cheeks weigh his usual smile down into a frown that catches me off guard.

He immediately says, “I didn’t mean to hurt her.”

“I know you didn’t, but ya gotta be gentle.” Then I whisper softly, “She was a virgin, ya know. So it’s a little different.” I pat him on the back and sit down next to him. “Thanks for everything. Really. I mean it. We’re going to talk and see what we should do.” He pulls up his pants unaware that he’s the only one in the room nude and I realize how funny he looks without clothes. I feel sorry for the guy. I feel sorry for me so I giggle to him, “I tried to tell Nikki that if she can’t handle a dick then I’m sure child birth will be hell.” He smiles confidently, taking it as a compliment, and heads for the door.

Written by Nicole Murray