I can’t sleep, can you? Insomnia isn’t as fun as they make it sound in movies, it’s not like you get housework done. Wait, housework, what the fuck am I talking about, like I do housework. I don’t even know if there’s a difference between “can’t sleep” and “insomnia,” but whatever it is, it’s not like I’m not tired, it’s not like my eyes aren’t burning and my head doesn’t hurt. I feel the way I feel for those delightfully itchy ten seconds we usually don’t remember because they usually turn into sleep. Only this ten seconds lasting hours. Hours of listening to mental wind punctuated by scary sounds from various parts of the house. Just as I thumbed that, there was another one. I think the small fridge in the other room has periodic jolts but it also sounds exactly like a huge man in dirty coveralls holding a butcher knife that squeezed in through the doggy door is now just bumping into stuff while waiting for the right time to stab me.

Oh, god, there it is again. Is it the water heater? I have a tankless heater. And the air isn’t on. I think it’s something like that, though. Every eight minutes or so there’s this deep, short metallic rumble, but between rumbles, if I listen closely, I can hear what sounds like water flowing through pipes. Very faintly. The scary part is the second of the two rumbles because that one is louder and it’s whatever this thing is finishing, so it’s followed by silence. I’m only not deathly afraid of it anymore because it’s happening in a pattern. Weirdest butcher knife murderer in the world if he’s going to just keep doing this for hours. Almost an honor to be stab murdered by such a meticulous artist.

I was asleep earlier, deeply asleep, and Erin woke me up. I’ve learned and demonstrated the hard way that people should limit their internet transparency to the boundaries of their own lives so you’ll just have to trust me when I say I am marrying the asshole I deserve, who is now fast asleep while I count phantom stabby man rumbles and the uneasy seconds between them.

My worst nightmare is home invasion. it combines every fear I have except spiders. Loss of control, especially to someone dumber than me -

Holy shit I finally made myself tired have to go bye!