g.g.,

we've chatted in the bisky universe, as you may recall. if you're interested, i'm available to comment on your prologue.

tony

Hey Tony,

Of course I recall our chats. Feel free to comment, by all means. You don't need to ask permission. :)

G.G.,
Thank you for the opportunity to edit your work. 1000s of years ago I was paid way too much for my editing “skills,” but I know I’m not that good at it. My main editor hated me—I loved her. She caught billions of errors that I missed. (Note: I never exaggerate.)
You may recognize the borrowed idea, but “the writer who edits his/her own work has a fool for an editor.” I never publish without using an editor, if I can help it. Now that I’m attempting fiction and self-publishing, I have to depend on my beta readers.
(BTW, I’m editing in Word, which is why there’s a trace of proper capitalization.)

First, this is what I get out of the story:
In deep space, our main character (MC), name unknown, so I’ll call “her” uh, Bob, is yanked out of her interactions with the ship’s mind to attend a crisis. Almost immediately a series of explosions severely damages the ship. No time to adjust to that problem, MC and the ship are teleported to another galaxy. Her ship is left unstable and she has to land it immediately or lose the ship—and lose her own life.
Your beginning is action-packed, almost visual, and would easily convert to a screenplay. The relationship between your first 2 characters, Bob and her ship, is immediate and obvious. She’s the boss, her ship is smarter and more powerful, but merely a servant.
A strong beginning.
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For the remainder, I’ll rewrite the scene with as many options as I can think of, some of which may be usable, others not.

The [Heart’s] emergency system prompted me out of my [our] symbiosis status. No time to stretch, something was amiss. [Is ‘me’ male? Female? Is name yet important?]
"Wait while I check for a malfunction."
The Heart, [which simultaneously serves/served as my computer, my engine, and my life support—phrase moved from below] hummed in response.
"Ok, what do we have here?"
[A] Red lightning flashed [in front of my eyes—replace with something like ‘outside the ship, on the forward monitor… or reader might think Bob is looking at a control panel, etc.], followed immediately by another flash.
"What the—" [I said, while a third one hit—omit. Add: A third bolt of lightning struck] the ship. Vapors of burnt [substance—replace with a more descriptive noun. Bob’s on a space ship. What does she smell burning?] tickled my nostrils. "Shield up[! And] let's see where that came from."
A peculiar object, seemingly static [stationary?], appeared on my screen. [Would 20 or so words describing it help the reader?]
"Definitely [man-made—replace with artificial?], but [and?] not from around here; the planet's inhabitants are still in the Stone Age. [Heart,] run a query and scan the entity [not object?]. We need to find [know] its purpose pronto."
The Heart[,] immediately [proceeded with my requests—replace with obeyed?]. [The—replace the article ‘the’ with a pronoun: her? its? Would better establish The Heart’s personality, if you want that. Bob’s alone in deep-space. Does she need a personalized companion? If not, that she doesn’t tells me about her character, about how she thinks, what she feels.] first report astounded me.
"Twenty thousand years old, are you sure?" [The object’s age is more important and more interesting than the ‘are you sure’ phrase, so consider switching the order of the 2 phrases: a punchline always comes at the end of a joke. “Are you sure? Twenty thousand years old?]
Of course[‘] the Heart is sure. It never fails. What am I thinking? [Narration has switched to present tense, meaning that Bob’s internal dialogue has kicked in. This is effective. An alternative, however, is to keep her dialogue external, using the literary device of personalizing the computer. This makes it easier to create humor: the Heart can be sarcastic.]
"Hurry up and identify its maker. We cannot [can’t?] linger here; I have a bad feeling about this one," [I told it, keeping—remove] [I kept—add] my eyes on the [floating—remove] device that was now [floating—add] directly in front of my [canopy—better noun? Does canopy resonate with outer space?].
[Its—replace with The object’s, or similar?] center turned opaque and spurted lightning in all directions. Within seconds[,] the cluster['s growth intensified—replace with expanded? And is cluster—i.e., a group of things—the image you mean to create?] and engulfed my ship. It [Does ‘it’ refer to the alien device or to the ship?] spiraled through thick murkiness, only interrupted by the frequent electromagnetic waves[,] which seemed to [put a strain on—replace with strain] the Heart. Finally, the storm [I didn’t know we were in a storm; perhaps strengthen that aspect earlier] spat us out and vanished.
[I broke to a new paragraph because of the power of the next statement.] A quick assessment revealed [that] we had been teleported to another galaxy, light years [away—omit] from our original location.
[This is a stunning plot twist—right on the first page! So I would re-state it somehow: e.g., a one-word paragraph: Impossible! It is EXCELLENT story-telling, just in need of some reinforcement so that the reader has a second to grasp the power of your twist.]
I wiped the sweat off my forehead [while—replace with and] glancing [glanced] at the thermostat. "A hundred and thirty degrees, [and—add] [on the rise—replace with rising]… not good, not good at all," I mumbled between [two—omit] coughs. Concerned about the thick fumes the Heart [the ship?] was emitting, I considered my options. "We need to land[.] and it looks like [we do not have much of a—replace with there’s only one] choice as to where."
Barely able to steer without burning myself, I managed to direct the craft [ship] toward the only viable planet in [this solar—replace with the star (solar refers to Sol—our Sun—is that what you intended?] system. With the shields depleted, it would be a rough entry.
At least, the cloaking device still works [worked?].
"Hang on. [We are—We’re] almost there."
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So. Maybe some of these suggestions will be helpful, maybe not.
Generally, I would urge you to consider sticking to one tense, no matter if it’s past, present or future, unless there is a strong reason to mix tenses. Your use of italics can clarify over the span of a few pages that the use of present tense signifies internal dialog, but consider tenses.
You have some difficulty with commas, so think about changing how you think about commas. Your whole life you’ve been told how commas separate phrases and in which instances and to what degree and—all that is fine; all of that is bullshit. Here is the truth: punctuation developed to better represent natural conversation in the written form. If you understand that pivotal concept—that artificial punctuation represents on paper our NATURAL speech patterns—then you can begin to work with the idea that punctuation is about… breathing. Punctuation is only about breathing. All the bullshit of phrase manipulation may be 100% true, but that’s not important. When you place a period, when you place a comma, a semicolon; think about how you want your reader to breath. Punctuation is the artificial representation of the natural process of breathing. Get that, and 99% of your punctuation problems will no longer exist: you will have left the world of artifice, of bullshit, and you will have returned to the more natural state of how people naturally communicate.
Sentences, like stories—and like jokes—have a beginning, a middle and an end. Put your strongest idea at the end, where you would expect the punchline. Put your 2nd strongest idea at the beginning, and your weakest phrase in the middle. I use that structure about 80% of the time, but I used to require my writers to use it 100% of the time until they mastered the drastically different method.
The sentence is the most critical tool in the storyteller’s tool box. But WHAT IS ESSENTIAL IS THE STORY, not the sentence. If you analyze King’s Carrie on a sentence-by-sentence basis you’ll see he wrote poorly. But readers willingly ignored his incompetence because he was so remarkable a storyteller. If you give it some thought you’ll realize that your desire has nothing to do with being a writer: what you desire is to be a storyteller. King’s current writing is excellent. He has a better grasp of sentence use than I do, certainly. (IMHO he is history’s greatest storyteller. And, after the first 10 or so books, a great writer.) Readers will forgive you for misplacing a comma but not for telling a poor story. Storytelling is an art. Writing is a craft. You can only own the writer’s tool box to the degree you’re willing to explore it, to understand what is inside of it. And that takes time. That takes study. That takes letting go of some of the bullshit you’ve been told all of your life.
My intent, then, is not to make you feel bad. My intent is show you that you have a lot of writing growth to experience on your way to being the world’s second-best storyteller. (Behind King. I mean, the guy’s great.) But never forget that WHAT IS ESSENTIAL IS THE STORY, not the friendly tools in your tool box.
Back to sentences. Examples of using the joke/punchline structure:
A 3-phrase sentence: 1) Barely able to steer without burning myself, 2) I managed to direct the ship 3) toward the only viable planet.
A 2-phrase sentence: 1) Put your strongest idea at the end, 2) as though it’s the punchline. [Here, ‘punchline’ is the unique idea, is the mnemonic that I gave my writers to help them remember what they were striving toward.]
A 1-phrase sentence: Jesus wept.
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I hope this critique helps. I want you to succeed. I want you to become History’s Second Greatest Writer/Storyteller. You show your talent with the art—a major plot twist on page ONE? Holy shit! I mean, really: holy shit! But you need to explore that darned tool box. Make its content yours. Own all of it. And…
Kick ass, G.G., kick ass!

Your suggestions were extremely helpful. Thank you so much!
I know your intent is not to make me feel bad. I can sense it. All about you screams that you're a kind person. So don't ever be afraid that I may think bad of you.

Present vs past: I have a stupid question. If something in the past is still true in the present. Should present be used even if the story is told in the past?
Example: 'I love my dog' means the dog is still alive and I still love him. I loved my dog seems to imply that the dog is dead. Am I right? So even if the story is told in the past, shouldn't I use I 'love' and not I 'loved'?

I have yet another stupid question. (Yep, I have many of those.:( ) My MC's main language isn't English. (He takes that after me. :P) Through out the story, his new friends want him to use contractions but he just can't get it into his head. He stumbles all the time trying to use them, or repeats them [e.g. We're aren't] and realizes he didn't do it right. He ends up giving up on them. Now when he is speaking I understand the no contraction, but when he is narrating the story, should I just forget about 'the rule' and use them? I imagine that when he's narrating, or thinking, in reality it would be in his birth language. Yet, I'm afraid it might mix up the readers. On the other hand, not using contractions at all unless someone else is speaking might get on people's nerves too… So I'm lost. :(

Thoughts: My MC thinks a lot, and everything I've read about thoughts is that they are supposed to be in the present form. I used italics twice in the prologue to set the terms. I could have easily turned the last one into a regular narration, but I believed that doing it twice would show the idea more.

Now why I'm using a lot of internal dialogues comes from his background. I imagined it as a habit he would have picked up from spending most of his life alone with his Heart. They usually communicate mentally (the Heart never speaks directly) so when he's away from it, old habits die hard. He still talks to himself.

People who read the book didn't seem to mind. However, it was different with screeners from another discussion group; they didn't like it. They wondered why there were narrations and internal speeches. (They only read a few pages if at all.)

Obviously, it's my first effort writing something so all my ideas tend to blur together. Of course I 'wrote' a lot of stories before, but in my mind, never on paper and not always entirely in English either. :P

Punctuation: What I learned of punctuation was in another language and I know that it changes from one to another. So honestly, what I know, I've learned in the last 3 years or so I've spent writing my books. Before that, I never paid attention to punctuation in anything I read. I still don't. So when you say I seemed to have problems with punctuation, you couldn't be more right. It's a real nightmare. :(

I'm relying on Office to tell me where to put the dreaded commas, but even then, often it wants me to put them at some weird places. I usually change the sentence around until those green lines disappear. I'm willing to change my ways, but it's hard when office keeps filling the text with green underlines. :(
That said, I'll re-read the text thinking of what you told me and see what will come out of it. Thanks.

Sentence structures: What you say does make a lot of sense. I never paid much attention to that. I was just changing the sentences around so they would not all start and end the same way. In other words, it was mostly to break the monotony.

In the writing 'department' I'm just a baby who's still learning how to crawl. One day, I'll need to let it go even if I fall face first on the ground. However, all your kind help might be lost as I'm not even sure I'll ever want to try my hand at something else once this series is done. I'm afraid I'll be too old and senile to even try. :P

Some explanations:
Yes, Solar as in Sol. I intended to give a clue as where he was going to crash.
Canopy: I had problems with that one. The transparent cover over the front part of a plane where the pilot sits is called a canopy. That was the closest thing I could find for a small ship the size of a car, but I can use cockpit, the part where the pilot sits. It might jar less.

King: I love Stephen King. I've read lots of his books, sadly, I'm yet to read one in English. I've only read his old work and that was back 15-20 years ago when I used to only read French. I'll have to fix that. :P



So this is the new 'improved' (I hope) version:



The Heart's emergency system prompted me out of our symbiosis status. No time to stretch, something was amiss.

"Wait while I check for a malfunction."

The Heart, which simultaneously served as my computer, my engine, and my life support, hummed in response.

"Ok, what do we have here?"

Red lightning flickered in front of the ship, immediately followed by another flash.

"What the—" I said.

A third bolt hit the ship. Vapors of burnt crystals tickled my nostrils.

"Shield up. Let's see where that came from."

A peculiar object, seemingly stationary, appeared on my screen. Covered with hieroglyphs, its intricate pattern revealed a few things.

"Definitely artificial and not from around here; the planet's inhabitants are still in the Stone Age. Ishald, run a query and scan the oddity. We need to know its purpose pronto."

The Heart obeyed at once. Her first report astounded me.

"Are you sure? Twenty thousand years old?"

Of course she is sure. She never fails. What am I thinking?

"Hurry up and identify its maker. We cannot linger here; I have a bad feeling about this one." I kept my eyes on the device that was now floating directly in front of the cockpit.

The object's center turned opaque and spurted lightning in all directions. Within seconds, the bizarre storm expanded and engulfed my ship. We spiraled through thick murkiness only interrupted by the frequent electromagnetic waves, which seemed to strain the Heart. Finally, the storm spat us out and vanished.

A quick assessment revealed that we had been teleported to another galaxy, light years from our original location.

I wiped the sweat off my forehead and glanced at the thermostat. "A hundred and thirty degrees and rising… not good, not good at all," I mumbled between coughs. Concerned about the thick fumes the Heart was emitting, I considered my options. "We need to land. And it looks like there's only one choice as to where."

Barely able to steer without burning myself, I managed to direct the ship toward the only viable planet in this solar system. With the shields depleted, it would be a rough entry.

At least, the cloaking device still works.

"Hang on. We are almost there."

DANGER! Awkward ramblings ahead! Advise detour!

Okay, I’m envious. You write in English but it’s not your primary language? Are you kidding me? English is your SECOND language?
Mentioning you were from Canada should have clued me that you’re better than all Americans combined. The last time I saw a statistical analysis, only 11 of the 300-million-plus Americans could speak more than one language.
Empires. What’re ya gonna do?
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“There’s no such thing as a stupid question,” is a stupid statement. E.g., “Am I asking you a question?” Or, “Did the average IQ in America plummet while Bush Jr. was president?” But your questions? Not stupid. Present v past. It’s a difficult problem, one that I write around rather than address directly. But my intent is to simplify the reader’s pleasure, not to simplify the author’s job. I love my cats, even though they’ve been dead for over a decade. But if I’m going to voice my amity toward my cats in a story, I’ll build it into the dialog. Dialogue. Dialog.
Hmm. Gotta love language. I may be the only person on Earth who thanks God for the tower of Babel. Babble. Bible. Babel. Gotta love it.
None of which answers your question. (Big shock.)
If I write, in dialog, “I love my dog,” and the reader knows puppy is dead, then my character is talking about regret, loss, or something else in the present. To write, “I loved my dog,” doesn’t imply that there is no longer any love for pooch-puppy; rather it addresses directly, in the present, what was true in the past. (Not that the average reader will be reading that critically.) All of this is an addled old man’s opinion, of course, but that’s only half the answer.
If I write, in narration, I love my dog, and the reader knows that Rover is over, then my editor will probably modify the potent emotional phrase to: I still love Louise. Err, Rover. This answers the question less as you asked it and more as I suggest you think about writing—and the necessary nature of an editor. Which, sadly, I no longer have. The critical issue isn’t which style guide you use; the critical issue is how smoothly you can move the story into the reader’s imagination.
BTW, that you use Word means that you depend on the Microsoft style guide, as do I, but we’re both making a poor choice. Seriously, even though I am using Windows 8.1 and the most recent version of Word (2013?), I no longer support Microsoft products. For instance, I just wrote the company name, Microsoft—and again!—and neither time did it auto-correct! How stupid can a manufacturer be?
(This stupid: type jesus. In the vastly Christian country occasionally referred to as America, Jesus is NOT in Microsoft’s auto-correct file! Buddha is. Krishna is. Jesus is not. Type jesus and it’ll remain jesus.)
Last I knew, The Chicago Manual of Style was still the premiere American guide, with a couple of international guides available that I never looked at but that were getting good reviews way-back-when. I use Microsoft owing to its (pathetic) automated checks. I.e., I’m as lazy as anybody you’ve ever met. The main thing, in my opinion, is to choose a guide and stick to it, but doing so has a great advantage that isn’t immediately obvious. Whenever you get into a style argument you can respond with, “Well, I use the Blah Blah Blah Guide, and it advises that…” You may be wrong, but it’ll intimidate your opponents, and that’s all that really matters, not being right.
No, the microsoft guide is lousy. Full of crap. So don’t trust it. I use it, but I don’t trust it. I use its grammar checker; I don’t trust its grammar checker. I trust me. You? Trust G.G. Trust your sincere desire to tell wonderful stories to wonderful readers. Consider this: you love your readers. Because you love people. So trust your faith in them. Trust G.G.
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Where was I?
Oh. Yeah. Second stupid question. (Refer to section II, paragraph 1.)
Your MC has great difficulty with contractions and, I assume by correlation, trouble with slang in general. This is obviously an incredibly stupid situation, and I can’t believe anyone of your age and ability would even think of using such a cheap, stupid literary device.
[Note to self: STEAL THIS IDEA! THIS IS A GREAT IDEA, so be sure to persuade G.G. to NOT use it! Oh, man, this idea is gonna make me RICH! RICH, I say!]
Well, okay, I like it. In fact, I suggest that you focus on it—that is, completely ignore everything I said this morning in message 2. I didn’t know what I was talking about, which is quite common. However… I would suggest 2 things. First, MARKET THIS. I’m not sure how, but so many non-Americans have to put up with the crap of being corrected by the nose-up-in-the-air Americans who are, of course, better than everybody else, that I think you have a golden key to opening a huge international market, as well as appealing to the massive Latino population that is already in our country, doing jobs we won’t do because we’re too lazy, but we won’t pay them for, because we’re better than them, and, oh my God! What a mess!
Where was I? Oh. Yeah. I’ll help with brainstorming if you wish, although I have no ideas right now, and the Bisky bums might enjoy taking part, although I don’t know whether someone there would steal your idea. If it does, no biggie. You’ll have other brilliant ideas (so be nice if I steal it).
I LOVE the “we’re aren’t” comedy! LOVE it! And I swear to—mmm, who was the Greek goddess of love? Oh, yeah. I swear to… Nicole Kidman that I will steal this if you don’t become filthy rich using the gag. Exposing hypocrisy is delicious entertainment, and who better to vilify than Americans? Especially when the vilification comes from an innocent alien. Rich.
So. First ‘thing’ was MARKET THIS. Second thing is to EXPAND THIS. Knowing nothing about the remainder of your book, expand the comedy. Lacerate Americans! I swear we deserve it!
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As for the narration, I encourage contractions. Again, audience is key. The less readers think about cadence, the more effective your cadence will be—control their mental breathing, how they “hear” your words come off the paper. If you use a “cannot” where there should be a “can’t” it can cause a residual hiccup in the reader’s mind, in their delicate tour through your world. The fewer breaks in their thread of attention, the better their reading experience—an issue of craft. Not that all such instances are critical, but I usually use the simplest, shortest form in draft 1, then check cadence during draft 2, sometimes choosing a cannot for a can’t or a “we were going” for a “we’re gonna go” or whatever. This is a great reason to find an editor. My “best,” as mentioned, was only paid about $15 an hour in the mid to late 90s, so $20 would probably grab you a good one, which is horribly undervaluing their worth, but I’m not a market-value sorta guy anyhow. If I could find her and hire her, I’d pay her whatever she was worth, satisfying both of us.
[Note to self: try to discover if G.G. knows that I’m just b.s.’ing her. Oh. And delete all the bracketed notes-to-self before I send her this!]
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If your reason for using present tense for internal dialog is because you believe that it works best for your readers, then I fully support your doing so. If your reason for using present tense for internal dialog is because everything you hear and everything you read says to do so, then I am your enemy. Consider this: every writer on the planet uses twitters to sell books, but the only writers who sell books through Twitter are those who would sell just as many books without Twitter. What everybody else is doing is always the rode to failure. Lemmings. Cliffs. Margaritas. (Huh? Margaritas?)
But. “Setting the terms” in the prolog didn’t work on me. I need your help, as a craftswoman. As a reader who hasn’t read your first book, help me understand the use of italics. Immediately. I’ve opened the book because I’m interested. Don’t confuse me on the first page; I might not read page 2. (Immediately throwing your readers into confusion is sometimes a brilliant play: recall the opening to Some Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest. I don’t think your creation of confusion was intended—but see above for other instances of me being wrong.)
Not “paying attention” to punctuation while reading doesn’t mean you weren’t affected by punctuation. Mostly it means the punctuation did it’s job: it broke the written words into the patterns that most capably parallel verbal communication. But not noticing punctuation as a writer—as a craftswoman—means that you won’t notice why your readers get confused, or how you break their thread of attention, or why they put down the book on page 26 and just never seemed to get back to it. Just because readers don’t grasp the subtleties of punctuation doesn’t mean it’s irrelevant; it means that it works on a subconscious level—and that is EXCELLENT news to the author-craftswoman. The fewer of the subtleties recognized by your readers, the more raw power you bring to bear.
Hra ha ha! [Discover and insert clever emoticon.]
Sentence structures. I had 5 days to turn lousy writers into good writers. By far the toughest challenge was to change the way they thought about sentences. I devoted 2 or more days to sentences. Everything else was easy. Even on “paragraph day,” a.k.a., Wednesday, I most stressed sentence structure. You’re right to mix sentence structures to defeat monotony, but. To defeat monotony, mix sentence structures and you’ll be right. Or… Mixing sentence structures to defeat monotony; you’re right…
The punchline ALWAYS goes at the end of the joke. Never at the beginning. Never in the middle. And its placement strengthens the joke. Doesn’t weaken it. So write sentences right. Or… Right sentences write. Like a joke. (Not that I would ever say something silly solely to get you smiling! Never!)
(BTW, I do not take kindly to your speaking of becoming “old and senile” when you KNOW you’re talking to a 62-year-old geriatric who dribbles when he speaks for longer than a minute. That is cruel, and I’m tellin.)
Finally, the point of all this: your modified version is stronger than was the original. I’m sure you’ve already heard this, but tape yourself reading your work and listen for weaknesses and strengths. Addendum: do NOT practice before reading. Do NOT think about it before reading. Favor your reader. Read as will readers. Be—not vicious, but independent. Your job is to woo people 100 years from now, people you’ll never meet, with your words. Woo them. Love them. You have a great start to a great story. Don’t worry about what will come next. That will take care of itself. Woo your readers in the same manner that you woo the Bisky gang. Love them. Nurture them.

Lastly, remember the words of that great writer (what WAS her name!): "Hang on. We are almost there."

And now, finally, I’ll shut up.

G’night, G.G.

< DANGER! Awkward ramblings ahead! Advise detour! >

That's the price to pay when standing among writers. We're a rambling species. :P

English Language: There's really nothing to be envious about. Having one language that you master is far better than having two or three you don't. When I speak French with my family, I can't find my words anymore, and when I talk with my husband's family, it's the English word that evades me. So now I'm neither. At least, while writing I have time to think, and dictionaries to help me find/remember the right words. Would you believe that it took be around 4 hours to reply to your message yesterday? Not because I couldn't find my words but rather because talking with someone with such a good grasp of the language is intimidating. And I didn't want to make the usual mistakes I tend to do. I'll never forget nor forgive myself for some of the wrong words I've used in the past.

If you are drinking, put your cup or glass down before you continue. I'll give you a few examples of my stupid mistakes:

E.g. 'I can't breed' instead of 'I can't breathe'.
I also love to go 'backhorse riding' instead of 'horseback riding'.

You can understand that I have to be extra careful with long messages.

So now you've got the explanations why I chose to write first POV and from the POV of an alien. It is said that a writer should write about what they know. Well I sure do know how to make a fool of myself with words and expressions. In other words, I used my protagonist to hide my lack of vocabulary. In the story, when he is infuriated because he can't find his words, well, you can be sure I was the one having that problem at the time. I have no merit.

Present versus past: Your trick of restructuring the sentence is one I use all the time. That's also how the story never goes the way I planned it.

I've noticed your different spellings. That too is a problem for me. In Canada where I learned English, we tend to follow the British, but since I've been in the states for 14 years now, I've become quite a mix. (Not as bad as my grandparents were though.) Both born in different parts of Italy, they couldn't understand each other when they spoke Italian. Now talk about Babel. :P

I understand the importance of having both: a GOOD editor and a GOOD style guide. However, when you hire an editor who uses Office Word for spelling and style, and only that, no common sense at all, that's when you start to wonder. :/

The only reason we are depending on Microsoft style guide is because although it's a poor choice, Office is still the most popular and accepted. Until it changes, we’re pretty well stuck. I haven't switched to Window 8 yet. My copy has been waiting in my drawer since the very day it came out. I'm also using an old 2003 version of Office for the same reason. I'm afraid to change them and regret it. Old habits die hard.

On a good note, in the 2003 version, Jesus is equal to Buddha and the likes. All get a red underline but none gets automatically fixed. :P (or maybe it's my settings…)
I also noticed that the grammar checker was full of crap. That's why I always use thesaurus, google, the free dictionary, miriam-webster and Macmillan (just to name a few) but I believe the last one might be the one used by Microsoft.

The only style I have is The Element of Style, which is probably not what you mean by style, but hey, it's better than nothing (or not?). I'll keep an eye for the CMS. At least, I'll have it for the next book… if a next one there is.

Contraction and stupid question… Hey! They rhyme!
Steal the idea, it's not such a good one, and besides, ideas cannot be copyrighted so you wouldn't be in trouble. Even if my book is published, the chances that someone reads mine before yours are minimal. The chances that someone reads both are even less. ;)

Oh, I hate to tell you this, but although Nicole Kidman might be a goddess, I honestly doubt she is Greek (is she?).

Lacerating the Americans was far from my goal. All I really did was laughing at my own problems. Those are all mistakes I've made in the past. Expressions I've always wondered about. I didn't need to put myself in my protagonist shoes. I was already in. Well, kind of. He's a man and I'm a woman, but I think that might contribute in making him more 'alien'.

Contractions in narration: Thanks. That's good to know. I've already re-wrote these two 'monsters' at least a dozen times each (and maybe more). I don't know if I'll have the courage to change it all in these two books, but I'll still think about it. I'll definitely keep this in mind for future project. I'm already at a point that I've read it so often that I can't tell what I kept and is actually in the book and what I removed and isn't anymore. My regular beta readers have read it too many times too. I'm not sure I can count on them anymore than I can count on me. Poor souls. God bless their heart.

To give you an idea, Amazon asks for samples of what was change so they can decide if they will send messages to people who already bought that a new version has been uploaded. So far, I have 21 pages. I hope that's enough to warrant a notice.

Back to narration. I always wondered about it, not just contractions but other stuff as well. So in other words, if a child would narrate the story, I'd have to use an adult voice for the narration and the child voice in speech? Or would it be different in that case? I was afraid that not keeping in character for the narration would jar the readers out of it, making the narration less believable.

That reminds me of my childhood friend. She kept telling me she couldn't say hospital, that she kept saying hospitable, and yet, when she was telling me that, she always had it right and I always thought she was just joking.



Present tense in thoughts.
I don't know if it's best for the readers but it's the best way I can convey the message. As for being a Lemmings, well, I'm keeping my 'jarring' breaking the fourth wall narration even though some people don't like it. (Screeners NOT readers. People who did not intend to read it to begin with.)
Why am I keeping it? Because that's what makes my story telling different. So Lemmings I don't think so. On the other hand, Margaritas sounds good… How about Long Island ice tea?

< But. “Setting the terms” in the prolog didn’t work on me. I need your help, as a craftswoman. As a reader who hasn’t read your first book, help me understand the use of italics. >

Ok. This one I don't understand. Is that a question? You want to know what I should do to make people view the italic as thoughts and not as an oddity. Or you want to know why I chose to use italics to begin with.

1- The first one I wrote contained direct words that said he was thinking.
2- I set it in the present tense to set it apart from the rest of the narration. If it would be in the past tense, it would melt with the rest and the only difference would be italics, which could be easily missed.

Now, let's say I set them in the past, without the italics, then it's nothing more than narration, while if I set it in the present without italics, it could be confusing for the readers who would wonder why the switch of tenses. The italic sets it apart from the rest. As you advance in the story, you quickly learn that the incoming italics will be an internal monologue.

My other answer, you probably wouldn't like. I'd say, "If you opened my book, read the prologue and decided not to continue, then I'm hopeful you were wise and read it online. If so, then you didn't waste money, and I'm happy. My goal is not to force you to read something you won't like. If you could realize it was not your kind of book before you bought it then again, I'm happy."
(Of course, the 'you' is not you as in YOU. I mean you as the reader in general.)

< I don’t think your creation of confusion was intended—but see above for other instances of me being wrong.) >

No, you are right. It was not my intention to confuse the reader. :(
I'm not bright enough to find a 'good' way to confuse a reader, but I can find a hundred bad ways to confuse them though. Does that count? :p

Punctuation: Very true. Those little dots and drops and black marks are doing a subtle job, kind of like shades in a drawing. You might not notice it all, but without it, the picture would be one dimensional and boring.

< Sentence structures. I had 5 days to turn lousy writers into good writers. >

Haha See the third paragraph. With me, it would certainly take months. Slow as I am. :/

< You’re right to mix sentence structures to defeat monotony, but. To defeat monotony, mix sentence structures and you’ll be right. Or… Mixing sentence structures to defeat monotony; you’re right… >

First two are easy. Third one sounds awkward, thus I don't think I'd be able to use that one.

< The punchline ALWAYS goes at the end of the joke. >

I've read that somewhere on the internet… or was it in The Elements of Style? I can't remember. The punchline is the hardest thing to define. Or maybe, To define which one is the punchline is the hardest thing. But since you said it should always be last: The hardest thing is to define which one is the punchline.

< (Not that I would ever say something silly solely to get you smiling! Never!) >

Oh darn, and when I thought you had a knack with words and were doing it on purpose. Either way, you succeeded. Or is it: You succeeded either way.
I like the first better. It emphasizes on 'succeed'.

< (BTW, I do not take kindly to your speaking of becoming “old and senile” when you KNOW you’re talking to a 62-year-old geriatric who dribbles when he speaks for longer than a minute. That is cruel, and I’m tellin.) >

Ok, you had me run to my faithful thesaurus for that word: geriatric. With wits like yours, I wouldn't be worried of ever becoming senile. You'll be 120 and you'll still think faster than I can ever do.
As for the dribbling… who needs to talk when one can type faster? :P (sorry I couldn't resist.)
In any case, I didn't mean to upset you if I did. I was saying that because I'm slow, very slow. It took be over a year to edit the first book and even after it's published I’m still editing. It's taking so long that I completely forgot what I wanted to write next. See, I'm already senile at 54 :>

< tape yourself reading your work and listen for weaknesses and strengths. >

Haha HAHAHA Gulp! Cough! It hurts… Sorry, but you're kidding right? Many of the words I know I can't even pronounce right.
Second: You say not to practice before reading. That'd be hard. I have read that darn thing so often that I could almost recite it by heart. I left the sequel aside after my beta readers returned with their correction list for that same reason. I needed a break from it.

Speaking of the Bisky gang, I can't believe how quiet we are these days. I guess everyone's busy with something.

< Lastly, remember the words of that great writer (what WAS her name!): "Hang on. We are almost there." >

Would you believe that it took me quite a while to realize you were using my own word. Senile, I'm telling you!

That said, I can never thank you enough for your kind word and the time you spend/spent/are spending to help me. You are way too kind; I don't deserve all this.

Thank you, and good night, Tony.

After a quick look, there's no way I will skip the punctuation double verification. It's raining commas in there. :/
Thanks for the tip.