I write all time about my dog Leon, I tweet photos of him, he tweets. I wrote a long love post about adopting him two years ago here. I love him so much I worry my heart will literally explode. He’s my guy. Leon loves other dogs and he’s always so sweet with them – particularly puppies and smaller girl dogs. When we run into them on the street, it generally turns into a full on play session. It’s made me think about how nice it would be for him and another dog to keep each other company. With winter coming, and with all the shelters overflowing now post Hurricane Sandy, I thought it would be a perfect time to bring home another rescue pup.

Of course I went back to Sean Casey in Brooklyn which is where I found Leon. There we found a beautiful one year old baby girl. She looks like a mix of pit bull and Dalmatian, maybe with a bit of small terrier in her. She’s a muscular little thing and incredibly strong, all white with pale spots and more pronounced black spots on her floppy ears. I was in love. They said we should come back with Leon so that they could meet in case it wasn’t a match. So Friday we drove back with Leon, who seemed totally uneasy and freaked out about being back at the same spot where I adopted him two years ago. We took the two dogs for a quick walk, she was hyperactive and playing with him, he seemed a little overwhelmed, but I didn’t think much of it. Half a block was all it took, I wanted to bring her home. Paperwork filled out, we were on our way.

In the car Leon seemed bummed. He tucked himself on the floor of the car while the baby girl was being held in the backseat. I figured all would be okay as soon as they settled in back at home, except that didn’t happen. We got home, I brought Leon in first, then we brought in the baby girl. She only wanted to play with him and while Leon seemed freaked out (see photo) all seemed fine at first. But then it became clear he was terrified of her and their playing turned into her lashing out at him. Seeing Leon, the love of my life, a 75 pound pit bull, looking freaked out, hiding in the back of the apartment, and appearing completely overwhelmed and bummed was ripping at my heart. So we kept them separate. Each time we gently reintroduced them, if we weren’t extra careful, things got aggressive quickly. This baby girl clearly wanted this to be her house, and us her parents. With Leon separate in the other room, she was beyond sweet. She’s smart, and already knows how to sit and lay down. She was quick to house train (within 24 hours) and seemed very responsive. She’s cuddly and affectionate. I fucking adore her. If only she hadn’t already given Leon three puncture wounds.

And so began the sob fest. My heart broken feeling that I’d somehow betrayed Leon by bringing home this dog. And heart broken because she was otherwise so sweet, and I already loved her. Except I could see no happy ending. And top it off with a giant wet blanket of feeling totally overwhelmed in general. How could I have adopted another pup when I already live in a state of feeling overwhelmed by the usual day to day. I’d thought the support was there. But turns out it’s not. And now it was one of those situations where you know no matter what, it’s going to hurt.

Leon’s original trainer/walker and my close friend Justin came over. (If you watched CBS’s Dogs In The City, that’s Justin). He knows Leon really well. He knows me really well. He watched the interaction between Leon and the baby girl and said he felt strongly it’s just not a good match. He knows I’m overly sensitive about Leon and I know him to not be overly sensitive, so I knew if he was saying this then he was right. If I was available full time and if they could have proper supervision and training full time, maybe it could be worked out over a period of time. But knowing Leon and how well he takes to most dogs, he said this was just one of those things where it’s not a good fit. And that probably they’d get hurt. The baby girl should ideally be adopted by a home without existing pets, and socialized over time. Heart. Ripping. Apart.

It’s like when you know you have to get a divorce, and yet it feels absolutely impossible to bear. You’re going to miss this person horribly, it’s going to hurt like fucking hell, you love them and you always will, but it’s just not right. They should be with someone else. And you keep trying to think of how just maybe it could work, even though you know it can’t. And you cry your eyes out till your face is swollen and you have no more tears and then you start all over again. Yes, I’m talking about this baby girl now. I love her and her sweet face and soft fur and the way she looked up at me. I wanted to make her life perfect and happy. But meanwhile, Leon, the love of my life, was miserable, and this girl ought to be with someone else. I fail her, or I fail him.

It was less than 48 hours and she’s back at Sean Casey now. They’re a no-kill shelter and very cool, and they were great when I called them in tears explaining what was happening. Dropping her off was ridiculously painful but it felt like the right thing to do. And when the time is right and the right puppy dog or older dog appears, I’ll try again. And if anyone has been thinking about adopting or knows someone who has, and doesn’t have other dogs, she’s a beautiful sweet amazing ridiculously cute loveable little girl. A little territorial, but nothing that time and attention in the right home can’t fix.

I gave her a good little vacation I guess. We walked, played fetch, she got a bath, and good food, and she lay with me on the couch. I wanted to be her forever Mom too. If I didn’t already have Leon, I’d have become her dog-mom and it would be fine. But the way Leon looked at me, not to mention swabbing his little bleeding wounds with hydrogen peroxide and Neosporin, made it feel impossible. Is there something wrong with me that a canine situation like this has made me a weekend basketcase? Some would say yes, that it’s not about the dogs, it’s about something else. But I think sometimes connections with and responsibility for animals can feel that strong.

Visiting a shelter is heartbreaking. The dogs can look a bit rough, dirty, sometimes thin, and generally stressed out. But once they’re in a home, bathed and fluffed up, loved, and ideally fed ridiculously healthy food, they get a life back. I hope this little girl gets the right home. She’s listed on Sean Casey’s site here as Erica. She also happened to be in exactly the same cage at Sean Casey that Leon had been in when I found him. I thought that had been an extra sign that it was meant to be.

Leon has his Mom and his house back. I’m still crying over it and staring at her pictures, but trying to tell myself it was the right thing to do. Sill, I love Erica too, wherever she ends up. Maybe she’ll get the right home soon. I love you sweet little girl. 

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