Ann Coulter

Since we all know who Ann Coulter is I should introduce myself. I’m a 48 year old Aerospace Engineer and Physicist who has been working with our nation’s missile defense program for the last 23 years. My father flew bombers in Vietnam. My grandfather flew F4F Wildcats in World War II. He was an ace. His father, a dirt poor farmer in Oklahoma, was born here along with his great grandfather. While not all of my family members were WWII aces, all eight of my great grandfathers were born in the United States. I’ve played soccer for 40 years and watch it whenever I can.

So much for Coulter’s knowledge of soccer displayed in her recent article entitled Any Growing Interest In Soccer Is A Sign Of The Nation’s Moral Decay in which she said, among other lies, that “No American whose great-grandfather was born here is watching soccer.” I won’t go into the specifics of her article or rebut each of her points made with the clumsiness of an IRS official on the witness stand, but I will rather concentrate on the overriding theme of her tantrum. Her primary theme is that soccer is un-American, basically because it isn’t football, basketball, or baseball. She provides some truly ridiculous and uninformed data to support this statement that you can read for yourself should you want to click on the link. Trust me, it’s good for a laugh. But let’s look at the truth of her thesis.

Thomas Edison. Born poor.

America, and even Ann might agree with this, is a place where hard work is rewarded. At least that is the idea. It’s a place where people can come (legally) who have nothing special about them and through hard work, make something of themselves. You can be born here with no special talents and through hard work and smart choices, lift yourself from a ghetto. That’s the idea. Or was the idea. Clearly this isn’t Ann Coulter’s view of America.

Football is a sport that can only be played by people with a certain genetic mix. Large bones. Great speed. Lots of muscle mass. Ability to be told what to do and do it exactly as told. There is no room on a football field for creativity. Coaches plan out plays, people learn them, and they execute them. So basically, you can only play if you are a certain type of person who will always do exactly as you are told. And unless you have access to expensive equipment and lots of food you’re never going to get anywhere. Is that what America is all about?

Genetic freak.

Basketball isn’t much better. If you’re not tall you can’t play. Period. Sure, you can run around with the boys in the gym, but you’ll never be more than a weekend warrior. Without the right genetic mix, which a person has no control over, you’re out of luck. I thought America was a place where the circumstances of your birth, or even some genetic disadvantages, could be overcome.

Mark McGuire. Capt. Steroid.

Baseball: Steroids. Baseball is even more full of drugs than football. Maybe even more than cycling. I’m sure Coulter doesn’t understand the mechanics of swinging a bat but basically it goes like this: the fatter you are, the closer the center of gravity will be to your shoulders so the faster you can swing a bat. Just like in the beef industry where steroids are used to increase the size of steers, they are also used in baseball to increase the size of… steers. So, cheating to improve ones performance, lying about it, raking in the cash, admitting you cheated, and keeping the money sounds more like Wall Street to me than America.

Lionel Messi. World’s best player, 5 feet 6 inches tall.

In soccer size doesn’t matter. Background doesn’t matter. You don’t need steroids. You don’t need any expensive equipment, a field, or even a real ball! Pele learned to play soccer with a ball of rags. And only in soccer is each player truly in control of his destiny. The coach may set up the team and develop a tactical approach, but the decisions on the field are up to the players. Oh, and Ann, soccer matches are 110 minutes, always. There are no commercials during the game like in a 4 hour football game, a 4 hour + baseball game, or the 2 hour last 15 seconds of a basketball game. Sure, soccer tries to sell you crap at halftime, but these other sports try to sell it to you from before the time the match begins to until well after it ends.

Bernard Madoff. Ann Coulter’s perfect American.

So I guess it’s up to my readers to decide which sport really sounds the most American. Sports where the players are told exactly what to do, are rigidly controlled, and punished if deficient? Sports that depend almost entirely on the circumstances of ones birth for participation? Sports that rely on performance enhancing drugs to keep audiences interested? Sports that feel more like an advertisement convention than an athletic event? Or a sport that anyone with a healthy body, through sheer will and determination and practice, despite the circumstances of their birth, can rise to the highest levels of the game? If you don’t say soccer, you are un-American, because the big three sound more like Bernard Madoff than they do like free enterprise*.

Oh, and Ann, I’ve blown my ACL playing soccer, broke my arm, ruptured ankle ligaments, fractured my ankle, and suffered more cuts scrapes contusions, bruises, and injuries than you could cover up even with your extensive makeup kit. I even had a friend die playing it when I was in high school.

So, I guess this really just proves one thing, you really are a dumb blonde, aren’t you. The mainstream media you hate for the un-American way they report things that aren’t true because they don’t care about facts just to make some political point: you’re one of them.

John C. Brewer

*This is not a judgment on if the sport is “good or bad.” I love football and don’t really care about the other two, but certainly don’t mind if you like them. I don’t even care if you don’t like soccer. Just don’t be stupid about it.