Dear Old Man, I am not entirely certain I believe in your existence. However, I do prefer to be… prepared for any eventuality. Therefore, I am sending you a list of things you can feel free to pop down the chimney this Christmas Eve, provided you have not decided to leave a sodding piece of coal. We both know I’ve been naughty. We both know that I’ve also been exceedingly good at it.

1. A new beaver hat. My current chapeau has a bullet hole in it, which, as you c...