Pain. After all these years, I could finally say that I had experienced it.  That I had actually felt something real.  There was a gnawing, stabbing sensation ripping through my chest cavity as the air passed through my unwilling lungs.  Just like sharp little knives.  I couldn’t think straight, the temporary torture was crippling my mind.

But it soon passed, slowly dissipating to a dull ache until the pain faded away altogether.  The involuntary act of inhaling and exhaling fell into a rhythm, no longer controlled by me.  All at once, breathing became second nature, instinctual, natural.

My senses were on fire, overwhelmed by the various scents in the air.  I took a deep breath, trying to take it all in and differentiate each smell.  The endless rows of books offered the fragrance of history, age and time passed.  There was a hint of something sweet in the air, though I couldn’t distinguish who or what it was coming from.  As a I drifted past a girl in the aisle, it became evident that she was the source, her perfume, perhaps?  I couldn’t tell for sure.

I continued down the row of books, allowing my fingertips to slowly graze a long line of them.  Their titles were useless to me, though I took the time to read each of them, as though they served some sort of purpose.  But my thoughts were focused in on the sensation of the way the books felt, each one strangely unique.  Some had fabric covers, the fibers felt grainy, almost rough.  There were some that were leather bound, which felt tough and sturdy.  While others were bound by thick glossy paper, feeling smooth and slick.  It was utterly fascinating.

Cautiously, I pulled one from the shelf, turning it over in my hands.  It weighed more than I had expected, though it wasn’t heavy.  More than anything, it felt strange to hold it in my hands that I didn’t quite know how to trust yet.

I ran a finger across the blemished, gray cover, feeling all of the nicks and crevices that time and repeated usage had caused.  The book had clearly been on the shelf for a long time.  It was battered so badly, it must have been decades old.  My mind drifted to the generations of college students from the University that had read the book over the years.  The history of human interaction within that one book alone was beyond intriguing.

And then I heard her.

The sound of her laughter instantly pulled my

attention away from everything else.  It was so peaceful, yet full of life.  I could decipher it in a room full of people, I would know the sound of it anywhere.

I peered between the two books that flanked the one I was holding in my hands, my eyes already in search of Hailey.  She was sitting at a long, narrow table with a small group of people.  I couldn’t make out what they were talking about, but Hailey appeared to be entertained by the conversation that was taking place.

Ethan Shaw was there, eyeing a book sprawled out on a nearby table.  As though he knew my eyes were on him, he turned and sneered at me.  There had always been unexplained tension between the two of us.  There had been no catastrophic event or even a tangible reason for us to dislike one another— we simply didn’t mesh.  Our disdain for each other had been obvious from the moment we had met and over the years it hadn’t improved at all.  If anything, it had gotten worse.

“Good choice.”

The voice came from the guy standing next to me.  I had never talked to him before.  He was looking down at a piece of paper clutched in his hand, so it took me a minute to realize he was referring to the book I was holding.  Having no idea what I had even pulled from the shelf, I glanced down at it, reading the title for the first time.

“You a Proust fan?” he continued, reaching around me for a book on an upper shelf.

I shrugged, but I didn’t know if he saw me.

He looked like a hipster in his skinny jeans, white logo tee, and fitted suit jacket.  His style was much more tailored than my own.  The guy even took time to accessorize— an orange beanie, wide frame glasses and brown leather boots.  I had to commend him for his efforts.

“Do you speak?” he asked, giving me a strange look.

“Uh, no,” I finally said, shaking my head.

“No, you don’t speak?”

“Wait.  I was referring to Proust.  I’ve never actually read any of his work.”

“That’s a real shame,” he said, giving me a grave look.  “You don’t know what you’re missing.”

“That good, huh?”

“It’ll blow your mind.  You can thank me later,” he said, tapping the book with his index finger.  “I’m Charlie, by the way.”

“Jonah.”

“I take it this is your first time?”

His question caught me off guard.  I pressed my brows together, “No.  I’ve been here before.”

“You look a little overwhelmed,” he said shamelessly.

I didn’t respond.  He didn’t seem to mind.

I took the opportunity to peek over at Hailey again.  She wasn’t talking anymore, her head was down, focused on the work laid out on the table.  I watched as the frustration crept across her face as she repeatedly scanned the lines in the book, clearly struggling to find whatever she was looking for.  Chewing her bottom lip, she reached up mindlessly and started fiddling with the earring that was dangling against her bare neck.

“She’s pretty,” Charlie’s words interrupted me from the daze I was in.  “I take it she’s the real reason why you’re here?”

I laughed once.  “Something like that.”

“I figured it wasn’t for book recommendations,” he said with a sly smile.  “What’s her name?”

“Hailey.”

“Nice,” he said with a nod.  “So, why are you lurking over here like a creeper?  Go talk to her.”

“I’m not lurking.”

“You definitely are.”  Then without saying anything, he nudged my shoulder, pushing me out from behind the shelves.  “Hailey!” he called out, smiling from ear to ear.

I chucked the book at him, horrified.

Hailey’s eyes suddenly popped up from her book, landing right on mine— as well as every other person within earshot.  I felt paralyzed standing there, unsure of what to do next.  But she didn’t give me time to react.  A smile spread across her face as she stood from her chair and made her way over to me.

Charlie bolted.

“Jonah?”  She looked both happy and surprised to see me.  “I was hoping I’d bump into you again.”

As I opened my mouth to respond, I was interrupted.

“Who’s this?” asked a voice from behind.

“Jonah,” Hailey answered, smiling up at me.  “This is my friend, Matt,” she said gesturing to him as he planted himself at her side.

I could tell he was sizing me up by the way he puffed out his chest, making it a point to move closer to Hailey.

“Jonah and I actually met at your party the other night,” she explained, her eyes flickering back and forth between us.

Matt’s brows creased together as he stared at me with a strange expression.  “I don’t remember seeing you there,” he said.

It was an odd response that caught me off guard.  “I wasn’t aware you were taking attendance.”

“Funny.”  His jaw twitched.  “It’s just that we typically limit outsiders from our parties.  And by limit, I mean, ban.”  For having just met me, his hostility seemed unwarranted.

“Ban, huh?  That’s interesting.  I take it that rule doesn’t apply to females though, does it?”

“Well, we don’t consider them outsiders,” he said with a devious grin, “they’re more like party favors.”  The look in his eyes as he passed them over Hailey made my stomach churn.

“Seriously, Matt?”  She looked as appalled by his comment as I felt.

“What?”

“That’s disgusting,” she said, shifting away from him.

“Come on, Hailey, I was only kidding.”  He laughed with amusement at our reactions.  It caused the chain around his neck to make a rattling sound, which drew my attention.

“Nice collar,” I said, referencing the bone-shaped dog tags.  “Your incessant need to mark your territory all makes sense now.”  Given how he was acting around Hailey, it was clear he was trying to send me a message that he had already claimed her.  But I wasn’t receiving it.

He stopped laughing instantly and I could tell things were going to escalate between us quickly.  Hailey could sense it, too.  We had already drawn attention from the people around us.  They were all watching, waiting to see what would happen next.

“You’re a dick!” he spit the words at me like venom.

“Stop,” Hailey said, pushing Matt back.  “Just, go sit down.”

I had to bite my tongue to keep from making another dog reference.  There wasn’t a part of me that felt a bit of remorse for taking a jab at his ego.  He deserved it.  And as far as I was concerned, the dog collar was fitting.

Matt hesitated, taking the time to stare me down before sulking back to his chair.  With the show over, the people who had been watching us, returned their attention to their books.  Hailey looked completely out of sorts as she slowly walked back toward me, her expression giving away her uncertainty.

“I have no idea what just happened,” she muttered.

“I’m really sorry,” I said, shaking my head, “but I can’t stand guys like that.”

Hailey glanced back over at Matt, who was watching us from the table.  “I think I know the type of guy’s you’re referring to, but Matt isn’t one of them.  He’s a good guy, I’ve known him a long time.”

I clenched my jaw, saying nothing.

She took a deep breath, “Well, this is sufficiently awkward.”

“Yeah, I think I should go.”  Though I didn’t want to.

Hailey hesitated for a moment, she looked as though she wanted to say something, but the words didn’t come.

“It was good to see you again,” I finally said.

“Stop by Fresh Press sometime,” she said, the moment my back was turned away from her.  “I’m always there.”

I glanced back at her, the hopeful look in her eyes ignited something within me that I couldn’t begin to describe, let alone understand.  Without thinking, I found myself nodding, agreeing to come see her.  And as I walked away, I already couldn’t wait to fulfill my promise.

 *  *  *

Ben and I sat at the pair of desks in the dorm room as he recalled the highlights of his evening to me.  The halls outside were quiet, it had to be at least three in the morning.  With it being a Wednesday night, there was little activity beyond our door.

I hadn’t known him long— just since the start of the school year, but I liked him.  Ben had the natural gift of charisma, to put it bluntly, he didn’t know a stranger.  Because of this, we had gotten along from the start.  His easy-going, friendly personality made living in our cramped quarters that much more bearable.

Although we shared a lot of similarities and some common interests, there were a few distinct differences between us.  Ben’s go-with-the-flow mentality caused him to throw caution to the wind most of the time, which was something I just couldn’t do.  He was also a bit of a comedian, he found humor in everything, whereas I had a tendency to be more serious and cautious.  Needless to say, in many ways, we were a good balance for one another.

“You know, I really don’t get the whole monogamy thing.”  Ben suddenly said, cocking his head to the side.

“What?” I looked at him in utter shock.  “Where did that come from?”

“I don’t know, it was just a random thought.”

“Definitely random.”

“Do you understand it?”

“In theory,” I said with a laugh.  “What’s not to understand?”

He shrugged off my comment, “I don’t know, I guess the whole things just seems so unnatural.”

“Are you serious?” I asked with amusement.  I couldn’t wait to hear the logic behind his opinion.

He nodded, “One person— all of the time?”  He made a face, “Sounds dull to me.”

“I’m not sure how to respond to that, man.”

“Wait, just hear me out.  Don’t you think it would be easier to just keep things light and casual?  No

expectations, no boundaries, no big deal.”

I hesitated.  “I mean, I can see what you’re saying.  Maybe for some that would work, but I think after awhile it would just get old.”

“No, see, that’s where you’re wrong, Jonah!”  Ben’s eyes lit up with excitement as he grinned back at me.  “It would never get old because it would always be new.”

I couldn’t ignore the humor in his statement.  In some twisted way, what he was saying made perfect sense, but it didn’t change my opinion on the matter.  “I don’t know, man, you could be right.  But, if you ask me, it sounds like you’re speaking out of fear.”

“Fear?” he sounded both offended and shocked by my statement.  “No.  Definitely not.”

“If you say so.”

“I just think the whole process seems complicated, that’s all I’m saying.”

“Maybe it is,” I said, arching my back in a deep stretch.  “But maybe that’s the point.”

Ben didn’t look convinced.  “Yeah.  I definitely don’t get the appeal.”

“Well, I hate to break it to you, but we’re about as monogamous as they come, Ben.”

He blinked at me, looking baffled.  “You lost me.  What does that even mean?”

“Think about our line of work.  All the elements are there.  The commitment, the exclusivity…  It’s pretty much the same thing.”

His face suddenly fell as the realization crept in.  “Shit.”

I laughed once, “Sorry to burst your bubble.”

“Yeah, well, you did.”

We needed a subject change, so I relayed the conversation I’d shared with both Hailey and Matt only hours before.  As I talked, my fingers fumbled with the corners of the book that was opened up on the desk before me.  My thumb continually strummed the pages like they were guitar strings, causing the corners to turn upward from my repeated offense.

“I don’t trust him,” I said flatly, summing up how I felt about Matt.

“Yeah, something about him rubs me the wrong way, too,” Ben agreed.  “Do you think he has a thing for Hailey?”

I nodded.  “He doesn’t stand a chance, though.”

Ben remained silent.  I could feel his eyes on me, but I didn’t turn to look at him.  After a long pause, he finally spoke.  “Does it bother you that he’s into her?”

“Should it bother me?” I asked, evading his question.

“Probably not,” he said.  “But it’s pretty obvious that it does.”

I didn’t respond.

“You’ve been on-edge since you mentioned his name.”

He wasn’t wrong, though it really wasn’t just about Matt.  There were so many things eating at my conscience and it was all starting to take a toll on me.  “I don’t think I was prepared.”  It was the only explanation I could offer him.

“What do you mean?” he asked.

“I’ve never felt less content in my own skin,” I explained, running my fingers through my hair out of frustration.  “Or more numb.”

Ben slowly nodded as the realization sunk in.  “I can understand that,” he said sympathetically.  “But it gets better as time goes on.”

I wanted to believe him, but I didn’t know how to.  I couldn’t fathom the situation improving, though I also couldn’t imagine it getting worse.  But all of it was so new to me, all I could do was trust that what Ben was saying was the truth.

“I don’t know what you’re worried about.  It’s not that big of a deal.”

I pressed my fingers to my temples.  “You make it sound so simple.”

“That’s because it is simple, Jonah.  You’re the one making it far more complicated than it needs to be.”

“I don’t know, Ben,” I said skeptically.  “It’s wrong.”

“Does it feel wrong?”

I considered his question for a moment before responding.  If I was being honest with myself, it didn’t feel wrong, but I knew it went against everything I had ever known.

“No,” I finally answered.  “It feels exactly right.  But that’s why I know it’s wrong.”

“You follow the rules too much, man.  You need to live a little,” Ben said, disregarding my fears.

“I have,” I said in all seriousness.  “That’s exactly the problem.”

 *  *  *

It was much colder out than I had expected.  Although it wasn’t raining yet, the dark clouds blanketing the evening sky were a warning that it was definitely coming.  It was only just a matter of time.  Despite this, I couldn’t bring myself to go through the doors.

What was I even going to say to her?  Did it even matter?  She had invited me, so she clearly wanted to see me again.  Wasn’t that enough of a reason to go to her?  Or was that the very reason why I shouldn’t?  My head was a mess.

As the wind whipped around me,I felt a raindrop hit my cheek.  Sighing heavily, I looked down at the trembling leaves at my feet, coming alive with each stormy gust of air.  But my eyes were instantly drawn to something else that I recognized.  A ten dollar bill.  I glanced up and down the sidewalk, but aside from me, there was no one, so I bent down and put it in my pocket.

The rain was picking up and I knew it was now or never.  I swallowed the lump in my throat and weighed my options one last time, already knowing which one I was going to do.  But this was the last time.  It had to be.

I reached for the door, as I pulled it toward me, a small bell chimed.  The warmth from inside beckoned me forward, enticing me to go in.  All at once, the familiar sounds of milk being steamed at the espresso machine and coffee running through a filter put me at ease.  Soft music was streaming throughout the space, just loud enough to mask the chatter taking place between seated customers.

The eclectic style of Fresh Press was very Eugene, it screamed diversity and uniqueness.  The exposed brick along the East wall hinted at the historic nature of the building, but the mismatched modern furniture was the perfect offset to blend the old and the new.  Long strands of globe lights were strung back and forth across the entire shop, illuminating the space in soft light.  Much of the West wall consisted of floor to ceiling windows, along with a long counter with various bar stools.  The framed artwork decorating the walls consisted of vintage posters, antique atlas’ and black and white photographs taken from all over the world.  Opposite of the door I’d entered through was the front counter, just to the right of it was a blackboard wall with a handwritten chalk menu.

I didn’t have to see her to know she was there, but my eyes searched for her anyway.  Her voice carried straight to my ears, above every other sound in the room.  She was behind the counter with her co-worker, her back turned to me, completely unaware that I was even there.

My palms started to clam up and my heart raced in my chest as I moved toward the counter.  I couldn’t understand my nerves, but there were still so many things I was adapting to.  Trying to ignore it, I pushed forward.

“Hello hottie,” the girl at the register said under her breath, pursing her lips as she stared at me.  I was pretty sure she hadn’t intended for me to hear her— or maybe she had.  We had never actually met, though I had seen her around from time to time.

My eyes shifted to Hailey, but she still had her back to me, working on something at the back counter.

“Hi, how can I help you?” the girl asked a moment later, her voice warm and more inviting that it should have been.  Her posture changed before my eyes as she ran a hand through her long, copper hair.

“Hi,” I said, already feeling overwhelmed by the question.  How could she help me?  I had no idea.  I hadn’t even thought about what to order, so why had I even bothered to walk up to the counter in the first place?  Unsure of what else to do, I shifted my focus over to the multi-colored menu to my right.

The girl whispered something to Hailey, which caused her to giggle.  Then there was a brief silence before I heard my name on her lips.

I turned my eyes to hers, already smiling.  “Hey there,” I said softly.  The way it felt to have Hailey’s eyes on mine was unlike anything else I had ever experienced.

“Hey,” she said.  It had taken me a week to get there, fortunately she still looked pleased to see.

“How have you been?” I asked.  It was an unnecessary question, but it seemed like the right thing to ask her.

“I’ve been good.  How about you?”

“Good.”

She nodded and then glanced sideways at her friend.  “Sorry.  Jonah, this is Rebecca.”

“Jonah?”  Rebecca’s eyes widened for a split-second as she stared back at me.  Her posture instantly shifting back to how it had been moments before.

“Nice to meet you,” I said, trying to hide my amusement from the charade I’d just witnessed.

“Can I get you something or are you just here for

Hailey?” she asked, her smile growing.

“I’ll take a coffee,” I blurted out.  “Black.”  My eyes met with Hailey’s as I said the last word, a moment shared exclusively between just the two of us.  The corner of my mouth turned upward impulsively.

“Hailey?”  It was Rebecca.

“Yeah?” she asked, looking dazed as she turned to look at her.

“Americano,” she said expectantly.

“Oh,” she nodded quickly, “right.”

I pulled the ten dollar bill from my pocket and offered it to Rebecca.  A moment later, she handed a small stack of bills back to me.  Without hesitating, I dropped all of it into their tip jar.

Rebecca’s expression looked both shocked and grateful, “Wow, thanks!”

Nodding my response, I turned my focus back to Hailey, who was busy at work behind the counter.  Everything about her always seemed to dance.  Her lips as she spoke, her eyes as she laughed, even her hands as she made the cup of coffee I had just ordered.

“Crashing more parties this weekend?” she teased, peering over at me briefly.

“I don’t think so.  Unless you’re planning to be at one, of course.  Then I might make an exception,” I bantered back.

A slow smile spread across her face, reaching each cheek.  “That’s an improvement from the last pick up line you tried on me,” she laughed softly under her breath, “but no.  I’ll pass on being a ‘party favor’.”

“I knew I liked you for a reason.”

Making her blush was not my intention, but what I had just said caused it to happen anyway.  I could tell she was trying to hide it by the way she turned her face away from me.  Keeping her eyes down, she poured the freshly brewed coffee into a large porcelain cup and set it on the counter.

The aroma of the coffee was intoxicating and I was eager to discover what it would taste like.  Lifting the cup to my mouth, I took a large drink.  All at once, I felt nothing but pure agony.  The liquid was so hot in my mouth, I was positive it was blistering everything it touched.  I slammed the steaming cup back onto the counter, spilling the contents all over my hand and the surface.  The only thing I could think to do was swallow it down.  But that was a bad decision, as it left a burning trail of fire as it traveled down my throat.

Hailey and Rebecca both stared at me in horror, wide eyed and unmoving.

“That hurt,” I sputtered in pain, my voice unrecognizable, sounding hoarse.

“You think?” Hailey quipped, still looking at me in amazement.

“You do realize she just poured that for you, right?” Rebecca asked.

“Yeah, uh, I don’t know what I was thinking,” I said, shrugging my shoulders.  The pain already starting to subside.

Hailey started mopping up the puddle of spilled coffee on the counter with a washcloth.  “Is your hand okay?” she asked, peering down at it.

“My hand?” I asked, glancing at it briefly, seeing that it was still dripping in coffee.  “Oh, yeah, it’s fine.”

Hailey walked from behind the counter with a handful of towels.  Without saying a word, she reached out for my hand, taking it in her own.  And with that, my ability to focus on anything other than the feel of her hands on mine, was lost.  The sensation was absolutely mind-numbing.  So soft and delicate, unlike anything else I had ever felt.

“I still can’t believe you just did that,” she said under her breath.

“I don’t even know…” I trailed off, too distracted to speak.

Hailey took a deep breath as she finished wiping down my hand.  She hesitated for a moment before releasing it from her grasp, peering up at me through her eyelashes.  “I’m sorry you burnt your mouth— and your hand— but I’m glad you came.”

“Me too,” I said.  And I was.

She opened her mouth to speak but abruptly replaced it with a half smile.  I could tell she wanted to say something, but for whatever reason, there was something stopping her.

So I spoke instead.  “We should hang out sometime.”

She looked touched by my sentiment.  “Actually, I was just about to say the same thing.  A few of us are going to hear a DJ play tomorrow night.  You should come.”

There was no denying that I had already gone too far, but I still wanted to say yes.  I was already pushing the limits just being there with her, how much further could I possibly go without destroying everything?

“I don’t know,” I said, hesitating.  I had already promised myself that this was going to be the last time, but then I had screwed it all up by suggesting we hang out.  What was wrong with me?

“Come on, Jonah,” she leaned toward me, her soft green eyes pleading with me as much as her words.  “Live a little.”

I liked her challenge.

“It’ll be fun,” she promised, looking hopeful.

Despite wanting to say yes, I knew I shouldn’t.  It wasn’t right.  But as I opened my mouth to decline her offer, it didn’t happen.  “I’d love to,” I said, fighting against my own will.

“Then it’s a date,” she said with a satisfied smile.  “You won’t be disappointed, I promise.”

Though disappointment was the least of my worries.  It was the consequences of my actions that had me concerned— only time would tell what those would be.

*  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *

Reckless is currently available on AMAZON and BARNES & NOBLE. You can get it in paperback or Kindle.

O R D E R   R E C K L E S S

Reckless is the debut novel from author, Holli True. The first in a series of four novels, Reckless, chronicles the lives and love of Hailey & Jonah.