The word and idea of “feelings” is often problematic for some people who are reared with the idea in mind that feelings are bothersome, should be hidden from others, and regularly controlled. In fact, some of us learn, especially boys, that showing feelings is a sign of weakness. In these cases we grow up thinking that we are more mature when we get our feelings under control. There is part truth to that, of course, because most children have some difficulty managing their feelings and feel better when they have better controls.

But, for many of us having learned control and how to mask our feelings often prevents what we hope for when we want to develop an intimate relationship through dating, courtship, and. marriage. We discover that feelings are among the most important part of this relationship and knowing how to be intelligent in their application is the difference between success and failure. Since many are not skillful about their feelings we have many divorces that in my opinion do not need to take place.

In fact, one could say that the most important outcome people search for in marriage is a set of feelings. Examples include feeling loving and loved, happy, warm, close, tenderness, cheerful, grateful, glad, and etc. As it turns out being able to feel, communicate about, and understand feelings appears to be part of those marriage relationships where people find the greatest satisfaction and fulfillment.

But, in my experience, only a minority know about and are skillful in applying these ideas to their relationship. Too bad, too. More of us would find happiness and fulfillment and there would be fewer divorces. Thomas Goleman wrote in his book about Emotional Intelligence that this ability is more likely to determine success than other forms of intelligence. Where marriage is concerned, my experience shows this is clearly the case.

I have found that most people can learn to be much better if they practice four simple things, which are fairly easy to write, or say, but require a bit of skill to be good at. Here they are: (1) Make feelings a more important outcome of marriage than events (e.g. having a clean house or the number of times you have sex) possessions, or positions. (2) Recognize and respect each others feelings by learning to identify them in yourself and your partner, sharing them, and participating in a conversation designed to inquire, understand, and show concern about them. Don’t fix, explain, search for causes, and etc. Just understand them. (3) Organize two person communication that draws both people together such as talking frequently, negotiating differences peacefully, making decisions together, sharing time and work if possible, and making bargains that help each other. (4) Align your actions so that how you treat your partner is designed to promote positive emotions and reduce the risk of hurtful feelings. E.g. saying “I love you” or doing something caring is better than criticizing or blaming your partner.

So, let’s suppose we all tried this out and discovered that we were happier and more in love. Our children, for those who have them, will forever be thankful their parents did something to make love last.