There was a time in my life when life seemed to go more slowly but today it seems like things are whirling around and we are all trying to keep up. There used to be a sense of permanence in some things. More people seemed to be stay married longer than today and today more people married thirty years or something seem to be giving up on their lives together. All this might just appear this way to me because I am older but I don’t think so.

As a psychologist I spend time addressing problems of many different kinds. I believe I have learned that many of these problems are related to how love is made to last by the actions of those who claim to feel it. Here is part of my evidence for this conclusion. Those individuals who grow up without love, without comfort, without peace, and without certainty about it tend to have the most difficulty as youth and adults. While true that many individuals who are reared in bad environments survive them and succeed in many ways, it also seems true to me that many others may survive them but their success with important relationships is usually hindered or limited because love didn’t last and they don’t know how to make it last. So I thought I would start a series about what makes love last and today I am going to write about three principles I have learned about what makes love last

I am not certain how broadly to suggest these ideas apply so I will just say they apply to the people I have had the privilege of providing counseling for. Here is the first principle:

1. Bad things happen in relationships because good things don’t. I have learned that love is the result of an active, acting upon, positive approach to life. It is not neutral nor does it wait for someone else to express or give it. Those people who have more it tend to promote it by doing very good things in their relationships. Actively doing loving things will prevent some of the bad things that can happen in relationships.

2. Freedom is loves’ aphrodisiac. In the contest between love and fear, when fear is greater, people tend to restrict their feelings and they usually try to exert control on the other people whom they hope will love them. Duty and responsibility are important aspects of love, and parents can and should regulate their children; but within the intensity of close marriage and family relationships control can be excessive or manipulative. When one does not have enough self control and grant the other freedom to choose and to feel accepted, then love diminishes.

3. Practice both giving and receiving love will increase our capacity

for it If you want to have a greater capacity to express and feel love then you need to find new ways to receive it and to display or express it. It lasts in part because we make ourselves better senders and receivers of it. I have tried this out and as a result I have done numerous things that I would not have otherwise done. I felt a bit awkward at first but finally decided that if I was sincere I would learn new and better ways to give and receive it. It is one of the best things I have done in my life.

Try out these three ideas. Next time I will use an example of a father who abused his daughter until she was in her late teens and their mutual efforts to find a way to forgive and love instead. It is a very amazing story.