I’ve been so traumatized by the annual chaos created by the UN General Assembly that it’s taken me longer than usual to recover enough to rant – er – blog about this colossal time-waster.

You know, before coming to New York, I used to think New Yorkers were so lucky to have this vital institution domiciled right in the middle of town, where anybody could actually witness history being made. How glamourous! How sophisticated! How incredibly awesome!

What a crock.

Of course, I realize my previous views came from looking at things from the outside in. I didn’t have to battle my way across town taking detours because the streets I needed to get to were blocked to all foot and vehicular traffic. I had no idea what commuting nightmares awaited anyone using the Midtown Tunnel to get to and from Queens County. I was blissfully unaware of the massive clusterfuck that was created by the president’s visit to the Big Apple, or by his desire to have dinner out with other heads of state.

After many years of this stupefying exercise in frustration and futility, and after taking several informal opinion polls of the general populace (most of them cab drivers), I think I’ve come up with a solution to this annual pain-in-the-ass event:

Create Diplomat Island (DI), new home of the United Nations.

My idea is to provide a self-contained locale, fully independent of Manhattan; New York’s own version of Vatican City, if you will.

This man-made atoll would float on the East River, right across from where the UN currently stands, and would be accessible only from a two-lane bridge from Queens. Entry into Manhattan from DI would only be possible from  another two-lane bridge. Sentry posts manned by Marines would be set up on either side of the island and entry would be denied anyone who had no business there.

Of course, to achieve total independence and autonomy, all amenities, facilties,  services, and security measures that cultural attaches have come to expect would be available on Diplomat Island, so that the only reason any international or domestic luminary had to travel outside DI would be to go home.

I don’t know, but it seems to me establishing Diplomat Island would solve a lot of the problems and alleviate many of the annoyances that occur every year when the UN General Assembly is in session.

Traffic in the city would return to normal, that is, it would be merely appalling, instead of horrendously nightmarish. Citizens would not be scrutinized by the local gendarmes as if they were members of the Manson family. Mailboxes around midtown in the east forties and fifties would reappear just as mysteriously as they disappeared two weeks prior. And, most importantly, the coffee carts on the east side close to and around the Waldorf-Astoria would be allowed to return, much to the relief of those of us addicted to a particular cart’s brand of coffee.

I hope Diplomat Island becomes a reality soon. It will be a great day when the member nations gather to do their thing, i.e., waste each other’s time, annoy and subtly insult each other and accomplish absolutely nothing in a venue far, far away and leave those of us trying to earn an honest day’s living the hell alone.