Thinking back, I can’t possibly count the number of times I’ve been called upon to console a friend in need who somehow felt wronged by the man in her life. He had somehow failed to meet all her emotional needs, and the more insistent she became, the more he withdrew. Then the more he pulled away, the more she demanded they have the talk until he eventually abandoned the relationship altogether, leaving her at a complete loss as to what exactly had gone wrong. Sound familiar?

Through my ongoing research on how men and women differ, I’ve found it always goes back wiring. Had I know just how important the electrical impulses leading to our brain that dictate how we behave in any given situation, I’d have become an electrician …. or at least a psychologist. Although I’ve said it any number of times before in any number of ways, it does bear repeating …. women are emotionally driven creatures who interact with the world as a whole according to how it makes them feel. Thus we buy a certain dress over another, because it makes us feel pretty, or we wear ridiculously high heels at times, because they make us feel tall, and we even choose the men in our lives – not because of where he lives or what he drives or even how much money he has in the bank (at least most of us) – because they make us feel more special than anyone else ever has. Consequently, we actually spend hours wiling away the time dreaming about ways to show him how much we care.

However, problems begin to ensue once a woman goes way out of her way to please a man by doing his laundry, picking up his dry cleaning or cooking that surprise dinner and then is met with little or no reciprocity, much less validation for her efforts. When this happens, the first thing a woman does is begin to sense something is wrong. Wishing to be proactive, she then sets about a course designed to make him open up – and when he doesn’t – she automatically assumes he has no feelings at all, but the truth is men do have feelings just like women. They’re just not as adept at processing them as their fairer counterparts, and they lack that all important emotional support system most women begin to develop early on in their relationships with friends and family. Thus when a guy starts to feel threatened by an uncomfortable emotional situation, he naturally retreats to more familiar territory found in work, sports or just hanging out with friends, because these activities make sense to him and are far less complicated. Other men don’t challenge them to get in touch with what’s bothering them, thereby making their company far less taxing and oftentimes preferable to women.

Same as women, society has come to expect a lot from men …. only differently. For the most part we still expect them to be the primary breadwinners, to be strong and supportive whenever we women fall apart, and seemingly invincible in the face of adversity. We want them to keep us safe from harm and insure our future as we age, all while not collapsing under the pressures put upon them on any given day. Then we women attempt to emasculate them by asking them to bare their souls by revealing their innermost vulnerabilities. It’s no wonder we often send them running off in the opposite direction, sometimes into the arms of another less complicated woman who refuses to place such demands upon their interactions. By no means am I justifying cheating. It’s an act of betrayal that can’t help but leave the other partner completely devastated, but when a man leaves you – before you place all the blame squarely on his shoulders – I’m suggesting it might be more beneficial in terms of your future to examine how you might have contributed to the demise of your relationship.

Listen …. getting a man to open up to you is not a bad thing. Women just have to learn to do so in a non-confrontational manner, enabling him to feel as safe within the confines of the relationship as we do. Once a woman starts relying upon a man to meet all of her emotional needs she’s effectively swapped her independence – that very characteristic that drew him to her in the first place – to build an unhealthy, co-dependent relationship based on fear, frustration and uncertainty, which eventually leads to failure. No relationship is capable of sustaining all of anyone’s needs – emotional or otherwise. A healthy relationship is about growth, and once you stop growing the only thing left is to wither and die.

Therefore, rather than approach a man as if he’s done something wrong or out of the ordinary, why not initiate a conversation wherein you state certain observations coupled with a suggestion as to how they might be effectively addressed …. i.e. I notice you’ve been a little distant lately, perhaps you’re working too hard. Wouldn’t it be nice to schedule a weekend getaway sometime soon?

I learned long ago in business never to state a problem unless you’re prepared with a possible solution. In this manner, one goes from being a perpetual complainer to a valued problem-solver.

Also, putting a positive spin on things is far more likely to open up channels of communication versus causing him to shut down, thus making it far easier to share whatever happens to be on his mind. Nobody likes to feel unappreciated or taken for granted, and in this regard men are no different. Therefore, it’s advisable to try never to forget to acknowledge any and all efforts to spend time with you, especially once he finally begins to feel comfortable enough to share. Providing him with an emotional safety net can’t help but foster the kind of closeness you both crave and one day will come to rely upon as you consider it your greatest asset.