I haven’t written in this blog for a while, because it forces me to think about things, when I would rather nap. My bilateral mastectomy is next Wednesday, just a few days away. Right now I feel like I’m standing at the lip of a waterfall, waiting for the current to pull me over the edge.

I’ve emerged from the long list of pre-op medical appointments sore and overwhelmed. I went to the plastic surgeon’s office, where jellyfish-like implants sat on Lucite shelves interspersed with strings of sparkling white lights. It made me wonder how they decorate their Christmas tree. Three people were in the room as my breasts were measured and marked up with a Sharpie. Who needs dignity? The plastic surgeon sat down next to me and drew a sad profile of my breast on a clipboard. “See,” he said, “now your breasts are droopy like this. After the surgery, they will be perky, like this.” He drew a happy breast. Then he went on to talk about repositioning my nipples. Moving…my…freaking…nipples. Finally he had me stand against the wall as the nurse photographed my breasts. She took shots in front, three-quarter, and profile views, as if my boobs were dangerous criminals, which I suppose they are.

I’ve also been to see the breast surgeon again, my family doctor, my sleep doctor, and assorted nurses and nurse practitioners. I feel like half the county has groped my poor, sore right breast. Everyone says pretty much the same thing: that’s a big lump. Right.

I’ve come away from these appointments with all sorts of goodies: anti-bacterial soap for showering the day of surgery, a mastectomy jacket with special pockets for holding drains, brochures galore, and a tube of nipple numbing cream. I have to put this on at 5 a.m. on day of the surgery and then cover my breasts with plastic wrap. Can’t wait to see how well I can manipulate cream and Saran wrap at an hour when I am almost never awake.

I continue to work on my novel, although progress is slower than planned. I’m reading like a fiend. Like napping, it’s another way to avoid thinking about things like itinerant nipples. I load books onto my Kindle for the post-surgery down time, then I end up reading them and loading more books.

Wish me luck, folks.