Mark Twain said, “Write what you know.” I know about being fat. You know, the obese used to make up a very small percentage of this country (this sounds like an oxymoron, doesn’t it?), but lately, if reports are correct, there are a whole bunch of us waddling around all over these United States. How did this happen? Well, I can’t speak for the general public, but I can tell you about my personal guerilla warfare against extra calories, cellulite, and adipose tissue.

My war against fat started early and through the years I’ve won some skirmishes, but my defeats at the hands of my old enemy have outnumbered my victories. Anyone who watched the show “Dexter” knows he called his impulse to kill his “Dark Passenger.” I call my impulse to eat sugar, carbs and junk food my “Saboteur.” The Saboteur is very, very tricky and very, very clever. And let me tell you, she’s really pissed off at me lately.

I got back to my long-abandoned healthy diet and exercise program in late April, when my goddaughter called to say she would be getting married in October. The announcement was just the kick in the ass I needed to do something about my unhealthy physical state, instead of just thinking and worrying about it. Also, I figured unless I wanted to attend the wedding wearing my sweats, I’d better do something right quick about my out of control eating habits.

Weighing myself that first day was incredibly difficult, but I needed to see what I was dealing with. I knew the numbers would be bad, but I was unprepared for just how bad they really were. I won’t write the exact number here; it’s too embarrassing. Suffice it to say, I weighed as much as two average-sized people. Heavyweight boxers weigh less. I did some fast calculating and decided I needed to lose 100 lbs. by the wedding. In order to do that, I had to lose 20 lbs. per month, or 5 lbs. per week. That’s a huge challenge, and to do that, I needed to work out twice a day, every day, and keep my food intake to 1,000 calories or less.

From the start the Saboteur gave me a hard time. “You’ve done enough; you can quit for today,” she would start ten minutes into my treadmill workout. “I’m hungry!” “My knees hurt this morning; come on, just work out tonight,” she’d whine. “Look, it’s raining out; sleep a little later.” “I’m tired!” On and on her complaints echoed in my head. I ignored her as best I could. I kept a food and exercise diary for several weeks, which I found helpful in the beginning, but after my body adjusted to the new routine, I didn’t see the point of this. Also, it was just too time-consuming and I didn’t have the time.

I finally banished the Saboteur to a dark corner of my mind a few weeks ago. “Shut up, shut up, shut up!” I yelled at her after another round of bitching and moaning. “There’s a new world order around here and no amount of whining is gonna change that, so deal with it.” Muttering, the Saboteur retreated to her cave. “That’s right,” I yelled after her. “There’s a new sheriff in town and you know what her name is.” I thought I heard some foul language as a response to that but I decided to let it go.

I’ve been obsessively watching “My 600 lb. Life” and “Extreme Weight Loss” of late. The people on these programs are truly inspirational. Here’s a question, though: how in the world do the individuals on “Extreme Weight Loss” lose 100 lbs. in three months? Do they work out 24 hours a day, every day? Do they eat, at most, 500 calories? Don’t get me wrong, I love Heidi and Chris Powell, the hosts of “Extreme Weight Loss,” but I have a problem when they’re disappointed if the person they’re working with doesn’t meet their goal of a three-month 100 lbs. loss. Seriously?

As of this writing, I’ve lost 35 lbs., which has been a monumental struggle to achieve. Heidi and Chris would probably shake their heads and walk away from me in disgust. Not only that, but I’m way behind schedule. If I’m to drop the 100 lbs. by October, I have to lose another 65 lbs. in the next two months. I don’t know. I’ll give it my all, but realistically, I know it’s a long shot. Still, I’ll be very happy with whatever weight loss I attain.

I’ll blog more about this in the coming weeks. Wish me luck!