VULCANA HAS OF course turned blue since we went public. Once I manage to get out of the threesome with Miss Black and the mad scientist, I can’t help noticing her and Chamber arguing at the back of the room. Animal Boy is close by, watching and saying nothing, and it occurs to me a name upgrade might not be such a bad idea for him too.

“I can’t believe you, Mike,” Vulcana hisses as I move within earshot.

“Hey, what’s the problem?” I ask.

“It’s nothing,” she snaps.

“Chamber says he can’t remember Vulcana saving him from Infernus,” Animal Boy offers.

“Ooh, so the cat hasn’t lost his tongue after all,” says I.

“Careful, Zephyr. You know cats love to scratch leather.”

“That’s a really faggy remark.” I turn to Chamber and eye him up and down. “What gives? I remember when we tussled with Infernus. The irony that it was on Fire Island should be enough for anyone.”

“All those homos he killed. . . .” Animal Boy shudders.

“It was a long time ago,” Chamber quietly booms. “Sue me, OK?”

“Sue me?” I frown. I don’t exactly remember those words being in ultra-stern Chamber’s vocabulary. Next I expect him to call Vulcana “girlfriend”.

“Jesus, this party blows. I don’t know why I agreed to this. Step back.”

We know what’s coming next, but I can’t help being a little patriarchal as I guide Vulcana back by the shoulders. She shrugs me off as the sliding double panel in Chamber’s chest opens and what we could only ever describe as black light starts to pour out.

“Zephyr,” a deep robot voice sounds behind me, “I feel I need to explain.”

I turn and say Hermes’ name at about the same moment Chamber appears to fold in on himself and disappear through the doorway in his own chest. We’re all caught in the residual non-glow, but it’s only a bit of N-dimensional energy wash and it’s pretty harmless if you’re not in direct contact.

“The professor was trying to tell me you can speak for yourself,” I say.

Hermes says nothing. In fact, he stops moving completely.

“Hello?”

“Jesus, he looks kinda fried,” Vulcana says.

Animal Boy turns into a mottled house cat and bounds away. Nautilus, sensing a commotion, comes over with his biggest shit-eating grin and rests his elbow on my shoulder.

“What blows?”

“This guy, I think,” I say. “Mr Tin Can.”

Hermes still isn’t moving and I peer around for Professor Prendergast only to notice Senator Ivory Keenan and deputy mayor Anatolia Dufresne coming towards us. I don’t have spider-sense or anything so convenient, but my eyes are narrowed as I turn back to Hermes just as he starts emitting a nearly silent, high-pitched shriek.

“Get down!”

Using super speed, I turn and collect the two female politicians in a clothesline hold, hammering across the room and basically throwing them through the double doorway to safety as there’s a loud detonation behind. Mostly because that’s where I wind up rather than any desire to shelter the pair with my body, when the commotion ceases, I snap about and see Hermes standing in the same spot with ghostly smoke pouring from the palms of his giant hands. Vulcana and Nautilus are nowhere to be seen, but there are two large gaping holes in the floor where they were standing.

 

INSIDE THE RECEPTION room it’s pandemonium.

The mayor and his staff and other dignitaries rush for the door and I have to wade against a human tide to even get in there. It’s the story of my life, going the wrong way when everyone else is running for safety. I should’ve gone to college and become an architect or a lawyer. I’m sure they still manage to get their kicks, even if it’s on the racketball court.

Mentally, I tick off the members of the team. Chamber and Lone Wolf have already skedaddled and I doubt they’ll come back. Vulcana and Nautilus have freshly disappeared. Animal Boy’s nowhere to be seen. That leaves Miss Black and Seeker.

“I’m here, Zephyr,” Seeker yells.

I look across and note her hovering up near one of the corners of the roof, her milky white glow a signature move, long dark hair writhing perpetually on an invisible breeze like she’s underwater or something. I hope her spiritual powers are as strong as ever, because when it comes to a slugfest and two of our other heavy-hitters are already down and out, I don’t want to have to rely on Miss Black and her “globes of power,” no pun intended.

(We never really made a joke of that because she’s quite flat-chested. Not that that sort of humour was ever really out-of-bounds, but let’s face it, if anybody had globes of power it was Seeker. That lady’s got a serious rack, and they glow in the dark).

It’s a good thing, but where there was pandemonium before, suddenly it’s just me, Seeker and Hermes standing in the big room.

Seeker and I exchange glances and I have to admit it’s weird to be back in this situation again. It’s almost like I’d forgotten that for fourteen months several years back, Zephyr didn’t have to work solo. I’m not sure why I didn’t enjoy it more or cut the others more slack. God knows, I’m no Nightwatchman, who seems to get off on his own company. The idea of not being alone in all this has a certain appeal – or maybe I’m just getting soft?

Hermes snaps his head up. His eyes, such as they are, seem to track me as I inch into the room.

“Hey, buddy. What’s going on?”

Hermes swiftly lifts his right hand up and a spray of hot light hits me and I fly back and through the wall beside the double doors. As I’m pulling myself out of this, bits of plaster and chunks of wood falling around me, Seeker gives the robot a good dose of his own medicine. Her phosphorescent corona pours out along her arms, bathing the man-machine, who raises a forearm to cover his head but otherwise doesn’t budge.

“I don’t think it’s working, Zephyr. He has no soul!”

I finally untangle myself and then it’s time to get underhanded.

“Jesus! Haven’t you learned about that by now?”

It’s hard to explain how I do it, but if you imagine my internal organs have more in common with a pop-up toaster than a human being then it’s easier to believe I can concentrate and channel huge amounts of electricity through my body and out my hand and into our friend over there. Unlike Seeker’s efforts, my powers seem to work just fine. The Tin Man judders and shakes and staggers backwards as I ease off the juice.

“Don’t hurt him! Don’t hurt him!”

I can’t believe my ears and then I doubt my eyes as well as Professor Prendergast jumps up from beneath one of the catering trolleys with a black device in both hands. Seeker lands on the ground beside me poised for action and I shoot a glance as Hermes topples over backwards with smoke leaking from his chest.

“Please, please. . . .”

“You gotta be kidding me, doc. That’s a dangerous robot you’ve got there.”

“It’s just a malfunction,” Prendergast groans as he rushes over to Hermes like a fallen child. “I don’t understand what happened!”

“I think he got a mouthful of N-dimensional radiation,” I shrug, as you do.

“N-dimensional. . . ?” I’m not quite prepared for the Professor to go quite so livid nor so foul-mouthed. He starts cursing everyone under the moon and wondering why he wasn’t warned there might be an unsecured source of N-dimensional energy at the Hermes launch.

“I guess the mayor’s not that au fait with Chamber’s powered suit,” Seeker shrugs.

I agree with everything she says except the French bits.

“Idiots,” the professor continues. He presses some buttons and, robotically, Hermes climbs to his feet, though he stands unmoving thereafter.

“Obviously a stronger shielding device is going to be needed. . . .” the doc mutters to himself, adjusting knobs on his walkman until Hermes straightens up and puts his arms out level.

With one more adjustment, Hermes’ rocket boots ignite and he goes flying through the huge panelled window immediately behind him, changing course rapidly once he is in the air and arcing over the city until he’s out of sight.

“I’ve activated Hermes’ automatic homing system, which will take effect whenever he is seriously damaged. Obviously, there are a few adjustments to be made.”

The professor looks around dryly and adjusts his tie.

“You can tell that fucking nincompoop mayor I will speak to him next week,” the scientist says.

I’m still getting over the shock at his potty mouth so Seeker stands in for me with a “Sure, professor,” and Prendergast shuffles at a fair clip from the room.

“Well I knew something was going to happen,” I tell her.

In the silence Miss Black drops her invisibility and gently clears her throat.

 

PEOPLE SLOWLY START back into the smoky reception room. Among them is the mayor and straight away I march over and front him up. For the sake of appearances, I don’t go grabbing him by the lapels like I’d like. Pykes and I have been here before. I keep my voice low, malevolent.

“What the hell were you thinking, Pykes? That damned robot could’ve gone berserk and levelled half the city.”

“Really, Zephyr? With you here?”

“Drop it, Roland,” I sneer. “That scientist’s already left. How sure are you about him?”

“Look Zephyr, we’re grateful to you that a crisis has been avoided. We’d appreciate absolute discretion as far dealing with the media goes.”

“It’s not gonna benefit anyone to go calling the press in,” I lie wildly.

“Fortunately the Southside Squadron saved the day, hmmm?”

“It was the Sentinels, Pyke. Now tell me what you were thinking, calling the old team together without even consulting me about it?”

“We spoke about this, Zephyr.”

“Not that I recall,” I reply, possibly getting even angrier. “Who do you think you are, trying to pull strings like that? You weren’t even mayor then. God knows, Harry Spelling wouldn’t ever pull a trick like this.”

Alison Kirkness is keeping most the people away, but Miss Black and Seeker are close enough to angle in for a listen. There’s still no sign of the others.

“Zephyr,” Pykes says, and he pitches his voice low and lets his eyes get all droopy with sentimentality. “This city needs you all. All of you. United.”

“Don’t you think there are better ways to get that result than just tricking us all into the same room together?”

It’s Miss Black who speaks and I’m glad for her. It’s nice to have another monkey flinging the brown stuff around for a change. Pykes is used to flipping me off and it’s clear he’s a little more lost for words taking it in the ass from a twenty-something girl magician.

“Well, I’m . . . We never meant. . . .”

“Some of us have higher responsibilities than a mere city, mayor,” Seeker says, all the otherworldliness she can muster shining through in her haughty voice. I have to confess she makes a convincing sight with that hair of hers writhing slowly upwards.

“I’m . . . sorry,” Pykes moans.

“Well there’s a first.”

I turn away and the mayor grabs my arm.

“Zephyr, please. Consider what I’ve said. We can talk about it again – under proper circumstances.”

I relent, nodding.

“And please, the utmost discretion.”

I look around. Senator Keenan inclines her head towards me with her mouth half full of pickle sandwich.

“Good luck keeping it a secret in a city of forty million people, but sure, Roland. Just remember you owe me one . . . and no more surprises.”

The mayor and his team disperse to shore up support among the other guests and Animal Boy limps in with Nautilus and Vulcana, both of whom look a little frayed.

“This is bullshit,” Connie mutters.

“Why are you limping?” I ask Animal Boy.

“. . . caught my foot on the way down.”

“Jesus. Aqua – Nautilus, you OK, pal?”

“That fucking robot, man. Next time I see it I’m turning him into a waffle iron.”

“Yeah,” I laugh. “Well apparently he’s a super-intelligent computer in a state-of-the-art military robot shell. I’m guessing he’d be tough to tackle if he had a brain in place. That N-dimensional energy seems like a bit of a . . . whaddayacallem? You know.”

“An Achilles heel,” Seeker says in monotone.

“Right.”

I look at the others and there’s a lull and someone in the background, a woman, starts laughing moronically, and I vaguely recognise her from an old morning television program. All eyes eventually return to the floor in the middle of our circle.

“Pykes wants us to reform.”

“Man, that ain’t ever gonna happen,” Nautilus laughs too quickly and then, frowning, asks, “Right?”

“I’ve kinda . . . moved on,” Miss Black says sheepishly.

“And I’ve got college,” Animal Boy says.

“No offence dude, but I wasn’t really thinking about you,” I say.

“Really?” He frowns and looks undecided between incensed and actually upset.

“Zephyr’s right, man,” Nautilus says. “First sign of danger and you’d turn into a cat and high-tail it. What use is that?”

Animal Boy blushes and Vulcana growls at Nautilus.

“Hey, everyone’s power has a part to play in a team.”

“This from the lady who turns into rubber, for chrissakes,” Nautilus barks.

If colour could come to her cheeks, I’m sure it would. Instead, Vulcana slaps the ex-Aquanaut hard across the face and precisely because of her altered molecular state, Vulcana’s hand bends as she slaps and it makes a loud and almost rude noise and it’s so absurd Miss Black, Animal Boy and I burst into laughter with Nautilus only a moment behind. Vulcana, however, remains irritated.

“God, you lot were always so puerile. I can’t believe I even entertained the idea.”

Looking good in her high black boots and leotard, Vulcana waves half-heartedly and leaves the room.

“It wouldn’t be the same without Vulcana. Sorry dudes. Love me or leave me, I’m out of here,” Animal Boy says.

“You mean it wouldn’t be the same without her to stick up for you. Take a hike then,” Nautilus says.

“Feeling’s mutual, creep,” Tom says and morphs into a dog and cocks his leg and sprays pee all over Nautilus’s feet. Nautilus jumps back and the dog, aka Animal Boy, bounds from the room.

“That’s real superhero behaviour,” Miss Black mutters.

“When you make your decisions, I will be in touch,” Seeker says, beginning to turn insubstantial.

“How are you going to know?” I ask the wind.

“She’ll know,” Miss Black sighs.

“I guess Chamber and Lone Wolf are out,” I say eventually.

“I didn’t think Adrian looked too good.”

“Hmmm.”

“I’ll catch you dudes later,” Nautilus says. He slips me a business card and then jogs like a Superbowl champ from the room, issuing waves. Miss Black makes a pained face.

“Want this?” I hold up the card.

She snorts. “Hardly.”

“How about this?” I offer her one of mine and she takes it pensively, chewing the inside of her cheek. “You wanna get a coffee or –”

“Actually, I’ve got to go. Thanks Zephyr.”

I get a kiss on the cheek that makes me feel like a granddad and then I’m the only hero left in a room full of council employees and politicians. A janitor starts sweeping up plaster.

I slip from the room and text Salvador Doro: usual place, midday.

Zephyr 1.6 “Real Superhero Behaviour” is a post from: Zephyr - a webcomic in prose