I have not been myself for the past couple of days. I have felt worthless, helpless, friendless, lonely, unproductive, and insufficient. But of course, I never outright show it. I have practiced the art of smiling like everything’s okay and I believe I have mastered it. I battle with the painful thoughts of not being able to help financially, poorly fulfilling what is expected of me, and not being able to have (or probably want) someone to confide all of these stressful things to. You see, since I was a kid, I have always been self-sufficient when it comes to my feelings. I have always believed that I am the only person who will understand me and the only person who can make me feel better. I have unresolved insecurities and fluctuating feelings of learned helplessness that are sometimes uncontrollable.
    A part of me has always been impulsive, attention-seeking, and envious. I yearn for the immediate gratification of my wants, desire to be noticed and appreciated by people, and try to compensate on things that I want and envy from others. All of these things root from my childhood. These confessions may put me under the eye of criticism but I’m a work in progress and these are my weaknesses. I work on them. I try my best to prevent these negative feelings from consuming me. Everyday, I ask God for strength to accept the things and situations that I can’t have and experience. That I may be able to honestly feel happy for the success of others that I’ve always wanted to have,That I may be able to understand misunderstood people,That I may be able to bear the idiosyncrasies of others as they deal with mine,That I may be humble in times when my pride is roaring out of its cage,That I may be able to appreciate the little beautiful things that life and people has to offer,That I may be able to spread the love I receive or maybe even more,That I may be patient with God’s plans for me,That I may be able to accept and be thankful for who I am and who and what I have, andThat I may be able to find happiness and contentment in everything that I am and have.
    I can’t really deny the fact that I don’t have a lot of real friends even if I really wish I had. But I’m really thankful for the few ones that I have. Frankly, I don’t even have a specific group in which I could identify myself with. And sometimes, it gets frustrating. Sometimes, I yearn to belong somewhere, not just sitting here on my own. Although I’m a really good company to myself, sometimes...well, a lot of times, I also need someone to talk to.
    I think another factor that affected this feeling is this bloody board exams. Gaaahd. I’m so stressed with just the thought of it and sometimes, I just want to strangle people who mention it to me. Don’t get me wrong, I have my daily dose of psychology books. I read, take note, and take online quizzes. I just really don’t know what will happen with my board exam and that gives me extra stress hormones.
These are recurring feelings for the past few months. Most of the time, I just cry. And then I turn to the bible. It’s always been a habit of mine to pick a verse from the bible, opening it and reading the first verse that catches my eyes. I would then consider it as God’s message for me. Surprisingly, the verses I was able to read for the past three days hit me. I posted them below just in case you’re also in need of uplifting.