As with many things, mastery of the first rule highly favours success in the field as a whole. For example, cooking – have all ingredients to hand before you begin, football – aim the ball at your own goal rather than your opponent’s, driving – stay in the left lane unless overtaking.

Dating like an Englishman is no different.

Concentrate your efforts on Rule Number One and you’re guaranteed as many nights in watching TV alone or going to the pub with your mates as you like.

Rule Number One

Never ask a girl out. Ever. This rule is sometimes flouted under the influence of alcohol but your excuses are built in thanks to the anti-social behaviour you were no doubt displaying and the subsequent memory loss.

Rule Number Two

If, despite your best lack of efforts, you do find yourself with a female in an establishment that is neither your workplace nor public transport, there are still things you can do to get back on track.

Ignore all signs she’s interested. This is probably going to be most easily achieved by not having a clue what those signs are so look away now if you prefer to enter pensionable age with one set of forearm muscles more developed than the other.

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If she moves into your physical space, pays you a lot of attention or talks to you more than strictly necessary relative to the way she behaves with anyone else, the risk she may expect some interest in return is ever present. If you’ve got evidence of all three signals, retreat immediately to the nearest all male enclave and stay there until you’ve got Rule Number One under control.

Rule Number Three

If you’ve made it to the end of the date – and as a reminder that is an occasion spent with a female to whom you have issued some kind of invitation – there is the distinct possibility she might text or call you afterwards, especially if you’ve got on well and had a great time.

Definitely don’t reply. Disappear for days, if not weeks, with no explanation. She’ll be confused, maybe angry, maybe hurt, perhaps confidence dented and on the way to man hating, but that’s not your problem. You won’t be treading this ground again if you’re intent on dating like a true Englishman.

Coming soon: Dating like an American. Only read if you’ve had enough of the only stiffness in your life being in your upper lip.