Today's Edition
Greetings, citizen, and welcome to Today's Edition, the Bunker's most trustworthy source of news and current events!
And now a word from our sponsors.
Do you suffer from the shame and discomfort that comes with bad credit? Your bunkmates leave unhygienic tissue paper under your pillow. Your table at breakfast is the last to fill up. No one wants to share their NiceCream with you at bedtime. Well, no more! OneBunker (TM) is an officially approved private firm whose core mission is serving misunderstood citizens such as yourself. Our affiliation with Defense is purely a matter of logistics and should not be a cause of concern. At OneBunker (TM), we know you are undeserving of your affliction. Why not pop into your local cybercafe and fill out an online application? OneBunker (TM): It's Never Too Late!
And now our top stories this weekstretch.
Two guardians from Defense were injured in a suspicious explosion in T-9 sector during routine and completely unremarkable training exercises. The incident occurred in a remote section of a warehouse dedicated to our extraterrestrial mining operations. Terrorist activity has not been ruled out. Fortunately, Homeland Security has seized the local surveillance and detained every witness. If you have information relevant to their investigation, please report immediately to your local neighborhood substation for a reward. All citizens are reminded to be on alert.
In other news, Epsilon-clearance citizen Marsha Wong, a field organizer in the Housing and Construction conglomerate assigned to H-11 sector, was arrested by agents from Homeland Security during a spontaneous preventative inspection of her office. Aside from the elevated concentrations of dust and incriminating splotches of discarded Flappantastic under her desk, the most egregious evidence against her was a plastex ring with an embedded microchip containing credits. The source of these illegal credits is currently unknown and will certainly be revealed during questioning. However, there can be no doubt about the intended destination: the black market. Citizen Marsha denies culpability and claims the ring was planted by a forewoman leading one of her teams. Stay tuned for further developments.
We would now like to bring attention to the emotionally powerful and riveting public service documentary broadcast each daystretch on the tube, “What Would Carlton Smickett Say”? Introduced to great fanfare at your regularly scheduled naptime, the ratings and viewer statistics were recently found to be inflated by devious production engineers at Human Resources. The problem has since been rectified, but the boys over at Control feel the general public is missing out on a fantastic opportunity to learn from one of the greatest minds to grace the Bunker with its presence, Carlton Smickett. Until the time of his unfortunate and untimely death at the hands of vile and radical terrorists, he spent his entire career hunched over in the research labs of Developmental Engineering devising whitepapers on human behavior and important codes of conduct. This weekstretch featured on “What Would Carlton Smickett Say?” we'll learn that spreading harmful and factually inaccurate rumors can cause mutilation, death, and loss of private property. All citizens are expected to be familiar with the material covered and able to pass random knowledge inspections.
On a lighter note, we are sure you will be pleased to hear that SkinnFlixx Industries has just released their latest sexcapade featuring virtual encounters with your favorite vidstars, Jallison Kamgee and Van Johnson! That's right! Enjoy uninterrupted and unrestrained sex with your favorite entertainer in a safe and isolated environment of your choosing. Hell, try both at the same time for just a few credits more! Available at a VR deck near you.
And now for some public service announcements.
Due to a shortage of tungsten, corridors in sectors W, U, X, and F will be darkened until further notice. Also, the letter “I” is steadfast in its stance and useful in its articulation. What would we do without the letter “I”? Submit your thoughts on X.net. The first fifty loyal respondents will receive a free eyebrow clipping treatment at their local salon!
The Color of the Patriot is magenta.
Thank you for your time and attention, citizen. Remember, today is the same as any other! Greetings, and until next weekstretch.
---------------------
Interested readers can find out more about the Bunker in my sci-fi adventure novels, Thank You For Your Cooperation and Your Call Is Important To Us.
And now a word from our sponsors.
Do you suffer from the shame and discomfort that comes with bad credit? Your bunkmates leave unhygienic tissue paper under your pillow. Your table at breakfast is the last to fill up. No one wants to share their NiceCream with you at bedtime. Well, no more! OneBunker (TM) is an officially approved private firm whose core mission is serving misunderstood citizens such as yourself. Our affiliation with Defense is purely a matter of logistics and should not be a cause of concern. At OneBunker (TM), we know you are undeserving of your affliction. Why not pop into your local cybercafe and fill out an online application? OneBunker (TM): It's Never Too Late!
And now our top stories this weekstretch.
Two guardians from Defense were injured in a suspicious explosion in T-9 sector during routine and completely unremarkable training exercises. The incident occurred in a remote section of a warehouse dedicated to our extraterrestrial mining operations. Terrorist activity has not been ruled out. Fortunately, Homeland Security has seized the local surveillance and detained every witness. If you have information relevant to their investigation, please report immediately to your local neighborhood substation for a reward. All citizens are reminded to be on alert.
In other news, Epsilon-clearance citizen Marsha Wong, a field organizer in the Housing and Construction conglomerate assigned to H-11 sector, was arrested by agents from Homeland Security during a spontaneous preventative inspection of her office. Aside from the elevated concentrations of dust and incriminating splotches of discarded Flappantastic under her desk, the most egregious evidence against her was a plastex ring with an embedded microchip containing credits. The source of these illegal credits is currently unknown and will certainly be revealed during questioning. However, there can be no doubt about the intended destination: the black market. Citizen Marsha denies culpability and claims the ring was planted by a forewoman leading one of her teams. Stay tuned for further developments.
We would now like to bring attention to the emotionally powerful and riveting public service documentary broadcast each daystretch on the tube, “What Would Carlton Smickett Say”? Introduced to great fanfare at your regularly scheduled naptime, the ratings and viewer statistics were recently found to be inflated by devious production engineers at Human Resources. The problem has since been rectified, but the boys over at Control feel the general public is missing out on a fantastic opportunity to learn from one of the greatest minds to grace the Bunker with its presence, Carlton Smickett. Until the time of his unfortunate and untimely death at the hands of vile and radical terrorists, he spent his entire career hunched over in the research labs of Developmental Engineering devising whitepapers on human behavior and important codes of conduct. This weekstretch featured on “What Would Carlton Smickett Say?” we'll learn that spreading harmful and factually inaccurate rumors can cause mutilation, death, and loss of private property. All citizens are expected to be familiar with the material covered and able to pass random knowledge inspections.
On a lighter note, we are sure you will be pleased to hear that SkinnFlixx Industries has just released their latest sexcapade featuring virtual encounters with your favorite vidstars, Jallison Kamgee and Van Johnson! That's right! Enjoy uninterrupted and unrestrained sex with your favorite entertainer in a safe and isolated environment of your choosing. Hell, try both at the same time for just a few credits more! Available at a VR deck near you.
And now for some public service announcements.
Due to a shortage of tungsten, corridors in sectors W, U, X, and F will be darkened until further notice. Also, the letter “I” is steadfast in its stance and useful in its articulation. What would we do without the letter “I”? Submit your thoughts on X.net. The first fifty loyal respondents will receive a free eyebrow clipping treatment at their local salon!
The Color of the Patriot is magenta.
Thank you for your time and attention, citizen. Remember, today is the same as any other! Greetings, and until next weekstretch.
---------------------
Interested readers can find out more about the Bunker in my sci-fi adventure novels, Thank You For Your Cooperation and Your Call Is Important To Us.
No comments have been added yet.
