For many years I devoted myself to pursuing singular goals. For six years my goal was to finish graduate school with a strong CV, and achieving that goal left little time for anything else. I loved my first job after graduate school, but it meant my husband I lived in different parts of the country. For three years, we were driven by a single goal: Get desirable jobs close to each other. This meant working tirelessly to have strong CVs so we would be competitive applicants for the extremely few jobs within easy driving distance of my stepdaughter. Achieving this consumed us. There was little in our lives beyond work.

Finally, in 2012 I left a great job in St. Louis for a good job in Pennsylvania, which allowed my husband, stepdaughter, and I to live together in New Jersey. The price was a long commute for all of us. The first year in my new job was stressful, as I had to adjust to a different schedule, a long commute, and a heavier workload.

Once I’d finally met the goals that drove me for years and adjusted to my new job and lifestyle, certain long-forgotten goals and desires of mine returned. The first was to write fiction. I began two books in 2013, one of which became Laika in Lisan. This awoke in me a desire to write more (I have four unfinished books at the moment, all of which weigh on me!). My second desire was to learn another language. I’d failed to learn Japanese twice before (first around 2001-2002, again in 2008-2009), although I plan to return to it someday. Next March I’m traveling to South Korea for a week for work, and even though it’s not essential for me to know the Korean language, I want to!

It feels so wonderful to have personal goals beyond my career. For over 10 years, there was little room for anything in my life beyond being a successful researcher (i.e., having a strong CV). But while I do have a bit more free time than I used to, it’s not enough time for the many goals, hobbies, and activities I want to pursue. My career will always need to come first (it’s my livelihood, after all), and I happen to have a career that can be more of a lifestyle than a job.

But I refuse to give up my new goals and hobbies, and this has left me incredibly protective of my free time. Right now (from August to December) my regular workload is about 40% greater than normal because one of my colleagues is on medical leave, and I’ve taken on some of her usual responsibilities. Fortunately her prognosis is great (yay!) and I’m compensated for the overload work (extra $$ = much needed).

My commute kills me the most. Oh, if only I could use those 2 to 2.5 hours productively! I’ve tried audiobooks and language learning while driving, but neither worked well. Unfortunately, most days I have to take some work home with me, so I only have a few hours each evening to spend freely. These are the things I would like to do with that time, and on any given weeknight I usually only have enough time to do two of them:

Hang out with my husband and cats
Read books
Write books
Learn Korean
Exercise (not because I enjoy it, but because I want to be in shape for another goal: Hiking!)

I love how it feels to want—to have goals that excite me and motivate me. (Write books! Learn languages! Hike mountains!) I can’t believe I spent over 10 years devoted to a single goal, and I don’t want to do that again. But at the same time, having so many goals and being unable to meet them can be very disheartening. I’m making progress toward all of them: My books are slowly getting written, I’m steadily expanding my knowledge of Korean vocabulary, and my hiking muscles aren’t atrophying too much (that’s about the best I can do with that last one :)).

Sometimes I wonder if it would be better to abandon one or more goals to increase the likelihood that I’ll achieve others. Do I really need to learn Korean? Are these books really worth finishing? Maybe I would be better off relinquishing one goal for the sake of another, but I just don’t want to. Slow progress toward goals elicits negative affect (this is a well-established research finding!), and at least once a week I have a mini-existential crisis about my goals and how I’m using my time. For example, tonight I questioned (for about the fiftieth time…) whether I should persist at studying Korean. Learning another language is probably a hopeless cause, and I’ll only be in Korea for one week anyway. But… Argh! I like these goals, and I want to achieve them!