About an hour ago I received the news that a friend of mine had died this morning. He had simply had a heart attack and did not survive. I do not know any further details. I called him my friend because he was. I thought about it and realized that I had not seen him in six years. We had worked together and I left that position about six years ago. I had talked to him on the phone about two years ago. There had been a few emails and of course the occasional Facebook comments. We were about the same age, but he was still working for that same company. I was very sad for him. I believe that I had been told earlier that he planned to retire in a few months. After I heard about his death, I took my little dog outside and threw the ball for him to chase. It may seem like an odd way to react, but it allowed my mind time to race through thousands of thoughts without interruption from other people. The dog chased the ball and my mind searched for something. I am not sure what it was searching for, answers, reasons, peace? I threw the ball some more.

This is not the first time that someone has walked up and informed me that someone has died. This was not the closest person to me that has passed on. This was not the first time that my mind went on the unending search for something that is not there. This is however the first time that I sat down and tried to talk it out in a word document. This exercise is probably just a further attempt to find answers that do not exist.

I am not qualified to tell anyone else what to think about life and death, but I am the most qualified person to form my own opinion. He was a good man and had as much right to still be alive as I do. He had far more right to be here than many people that I know. It is becoming more and more obvious to me that the length of life is not based on worthiness. Wouldn't it be nice if it was? There is always the possibility that I would be unworthy to still be here writing this, or that you may not still be around to read it. I guess it is not my right to decide who lives and dies. Most of the time I am glad that I don't have that responsibility. Some of you wouldn't be here if I did.

I am surprised that in my grief for the lost friend, I am thinking about people that I wish had died instead. You can all act innocent and say I am a monster for thinking this way. I would know you would all be hypocrites. Most people have someone that they would kill if they could just push a magic button and have them gone. No muss, no fuss, no chance of being caught, and no punishment for the deed. I have pushed the magic button a few times. It doesn't work. They are still living. The sad thing is that this proves that fear is the only thing that prevents me from being a murderer. Shame, shame on me, and shame on the rest of you that have done the same thing. Actually there is no shame here. To me it is human nature. Love, hate, and fear, are the three motivating factors that control our lives. You pretty much need to love someone or something in order to be able to hate anyone. It may be yourself that you love, but love is necessary for hate to thrive. We as humans hate anything that endangers what we love, and if there were no consequences we would eliminate the thing we hate. We would protect what we love even at the cost of another's life. This is of course, only if there are no consequences.

My friend has gone on to another place. Tonight he either knows all of the answers or he knows nothing. I do hope that he knows the answers and is in a better place. I hope he is in a place filled with love and that hate and fear are absent from existence. I don't know what happens to the spirit when the body dies. Anyone claiming to have that knowledge is a liar. I just know there is very little justice in this world and I hope we get to see something else when we are done here. I will be a little weirder than usual for a few days. The presence of death does that to me, when it's the death of a friend anyway. I realize that death is ever present and that most deaths do not affect me in the least. I will resolve, as I always do in these situations, to try to enjoy life more, worry less, and think even less about those that I wish had died instead. I am sure that we will all face our own death sooner than we think. Make the best of what you have, while you can.

B.W.