Today's Edition
Greetings, citizen, and welcome to Today's Edition, the Bunker's most trustworthy source of news and current events!
And now our top stories this weekstretch.
Citizens in T-4 sector were horrified to find a repulsive, brown sludge leaking from the Wellness Pyramid yesterday. Located on the main corridor to the Mystic River Racetrack and Casino, the Wellness Pyramid stood abandoned until two weekstretches ago when a construction crew took over the site. Since then, loud noises and intensive drilling have been heard but no news of what is going on inside made available. The pungent odor preceding the sludge is intense enough to induce vomiting. Cleanbots are being dispatched to the area. Citizens are reminded that regurgitating their meals is an unhygienic practice punishable by fine and the introduction of a corrective gag.
In other news, the Mystic River Racetrack and Casino is hosting its annual Shark Swim event. Held over the next three daystretches, the Shark Swim is a forum for the Bunker's greatest athletes to demonstrate their prowess and speed. Eight swimmers enter the fifty meter pool in each heat and swim various distances announced at the start. Following close behind is the shark, a metallic contraption with a large, toothed maw capable of snapping off extremities. The heat's winner and the runner-up proceed to the following rounds, which are held after the loser's parts can be fished out the pool. The climax is held on the last daystretch of the event. A standing ovation is awarded the victor, along with Fifteen Minutes of Fame and a yearstretch's supply of Algatine. Large crowds are anticipated.
And now a word from our sponsors.
She knows you love her. But when was the last time you showed it? Really? By taking her out to the same old cluttered dining facility? Maybe that's why this morning in the corridor on the way to work you caught her stealing a glance at that handsome young thing and blushing. It's time to rekindle that fire! And what better way to do it than provide her with a chemical “kick” to remind her how she really feels? Spanish Flu. There's nothing that works better or more reliably. Slip a little in her drink at dinner and her body will be resupplied with those pesky hormones that have (through no fault of your own) gone missing. That's right! Spanish Flu restores the chemical balance of your relationship, providing you with nightstretches upon nightstretches of anal pleasure. Spanish Flu. “Because deep inside, you know she really wants it.”
We would now like to draw your attention to the Bunker's emotionally powerful and riveting public service documentary, What Would Carlton Smickett Say? The Bunker is a utopia, the very definition of the word embodied in thought and practice. The pinnacle of social and economic achievement, human beings could not possibly hope to improve upon it. Be that as it may, there are traitors among us. Actively seeking to undo the very fabric of our wealth and happiness, sometimes in the line of duty our security forces are fortunate enough to take one alive. In almost every case, this despicable vermin possesses actionable intelligence of use in the pursuit of his accomplices but is unwilling to share that information. What to do? The hardworking citizens over at Homeland Security have been charged with a sensitive task. Extracting confessions from vicious criminals requires methods that most of us would shirk from. Unfortunately, such tools are indispensable to the ongoing struggle against terror. Designed to induce an overwhelming sense of helplessness and ensure a speedy path to full disclosure, there is no other way to ensure these traitors' cooperation. If there were, we wouldn't be having this discussion. The gallant interrogators over at Homeland Security are trying to keep us safe, and so every indulgence must be afforded them, however contrary to our most basic and cherished beliefs. Remember, interrogators are people, too, our neighbors and friends. There is no need to be afraid of them. Next time you run into one, go up and shake her hand. Thank her profusely. After all, there's little else standing between you and hopeless anarchy. That's surely what Carlton Smickett would say.
And now for some public service announcements.
The boys over at Control have decided that we do not sufficiently appreciate the value of contractions in our speech and writing. Therefore, over the next daystretch, use of any contraction whatsoever is strictly forbidden. Remember to say I am instead of – well, you know what we mean. The difficulties encountered should serve to remind us that contractions are the unsung heroes of grammatical efficiency. Also, the cleaning stations in sectors U-13 through U-20 will be off limits due to regularly scheduled maintenance. During that time, citizens who must relieve themselves will anticipate their bodily needs in a timely fashion and find an alternative in another sector. Thank you for your cooperation.
The Color of the Patriot is sepia.
Thank you for your time and attention, citizen. Remember, today is the same as any other! Greetings, and until next weekstretch.
---------------------
Interested readers can find out more about the Bunker in my sci-fi adventure novels, Thank You For Your Cooperation and Your Call Is Important To Us.
And now our top stories this weekstretch.
Citizens in T-4 sector were horrified to find a repulsive, brown sludge leaking from the Wellness Pyramid yesterday. Located on the main corridor to the Mystic River Racetrack and Casino, the Wellness Pyramid stood abandoned until two weekstretches ago when a construction crew took over the site. Since then, loud noises and intensive drilling have been heard but no news of what is going on inside made available. The pungent odor preceding the sludge is intense enough to induce vomiting. Cleanbots are being dispatched to the area. Citizens are reminded that regurgitating their meals is an unhygienic practice punishable by fine and the introduction of a corrective gag.
In other news, the Mystic River Racetrack and Casino is hosting its annual Shark Swim event. Held over the next three daystretches, the Shark Swim is a forum for the Bunker's greatest athletes to demonstrate their prowess and speed. Eight swimmers enter the fifty meter pool in each heat and swim various distances announced at the start. Following close behind is the shark, a metallic contraption with a large, toothed maw capable of snapping off extremities. The heat's winner and the runner-up proceed to the following rounds, which are held after the loser's parts can be fished out the pool. The climax is held on the last daystretch of the event. A standing ovation is awarded the victor, along with Fifteen Minutes of Fame and a yearstretch's supply of Algatine. Large crowds are anticipated.
And now a word from our sponsors.
She knows you love her. But when was the last time you showed it? Really? By taking her out to the same old cluttered dining facility? Maybe that's why this morning in the corridor on the way to work you caught her stealing a glance at that handsome young thing and blushing. It's time to rekindle that fire! And what better way to do it than provide her with a chemical “kick” to remind her how she really feels? Spanish Flu. There's nothing that works better or more reliably. Slip a little in her drink at dinner and her body will be resupplied with those pesky hormones that have (through no fault of your own) gone missing. That's right! Spanish Flu restores the chemical balance of your relationship, providing you with nightstretches upon nightstretches of anal pleasure. Spanish Flu. “Because deep inside, you know she really wants it.”
We would now like to draw your attention to the Bunker's emotionally powerful and riveting public service documentary, What Would Carlton Smickett Say? The Bunker is a utopia, the very definition of the word embodied in thought and practice. The pinnacle of social and economic achievement, human beings could not possibly hope to improve upon it. Be that as it may, there are traitors among us. Actively seeking to undo the very fabric of our wealth and happiness, sometimes in the line of duty our security forces are fortunate enough to take one alive. In almost every case, this despicable vermin possesses actionable intelligence of use in the pursuit of his accomplices but is unwilling to share that information. What to do? The hardworking citizens over at Homeland Security have been charged with a sensitive task. Extracting confessions from vicious criminals requires methods that most of us would shirk from. Unfortunately, such tools are indispensable to the ongoing struggle against terror. Designed to induce an overwhelming sense of helplessness and ensure a speedy path to full disclosure, there is no other way to ensure these traitors' cooperation. If there were, we wouldn't be having this discussion. The gallant interrogators over at Homeland Security are trying to keep us safe, and so every indulgence must be afforded them, however contrary to our most basic and cherished beliefs. Remember, interrogators are people, too, our neighbors and friends. There is no need to be afraid of them. Next time you run into one, go up and shake her hand. Thank her profusely. After all, there's little else standing between you and hopeless anarchy. That's surely what Carlton Smickett would say.
And now for some public service announcements.
The boys over at Control have decided that we do not sufficiently appreciate the value of contractions in our speech and writing. Therefore, over the next daystretch, use of any contraction whatsoever is strictly forbidden. Remember to say I am instead of – well, you know what we mean. The difficulties encountered should serve to remind us that contractions are the unsung heroes of grammatical efficiency. Also, the cleaning stations in sectors U-13 through U-20 will be off limits due to regularly scheduled maintenance. During that time, citizens who must relieve themselves will anticipate their bodily needs in a timely fashion and find an alternative in another sector. Thank you for your cooperation.
The Color of the Patriot is sepia.
Thank you for your time and attention, citizen. Remember, today is the same as any other! Greetings, and until next weekstretch.
---------------------
Interested readers can find out more about the Bunker in my sci-fi adventure novels, Thank You For Your Cooperation and Your Call Is Important To Us.
No comments have been added yet.
