With any break up, there are clear stages to get through during the recovery. Navigating them successfully might depend on recognising them. Which is a pity, since no-one ever manages to. Here’s some support for handling the biggest break up of them all — a split from Facebook.

As a survivor, I can tell you: It’s going to be OK.

Stage 1: It’s not me, it’s YOU!

Everything that’s bad in your life either comes from Facebook or is exacerbated by it. The song that twat from work posted is about you. The happy photos posted by those gits you thought were friends suck the life out of your day. Only 14 people liked that post about your cat and they’re all chronic Likers who click everything. No-one commented on your status update because they hate you.

If it weren’t for Facebook, you’d only be friends with actual friends and could drop all these c**ts.

But …what if no-one notices you’ve gone? What if they wanted you to sod off all along? Better stay together and count Likes from a safe distance.

Stage 2: Making the break

You’ve agonized about the decision,  got it all planned out in your head. If it isn’t today, when will you ever be free of the tyranny of Facebook? Besides, it’s not like it’ll ever really be that far away. You can log back in whenever you miss it.

It’s just a trial separation really.

Facebook just shrugs. “Meh, you´ll be back.”

Stage 3: HA! I didn’t need you ANYWAY!

The fresh air of liberation wakes you with a balmy breeze through the window of life every morning. You go about your day without having to photograph your breakfast or tell anyone you’re at Tesco or get alerted that Simone from school likes a Buzzfeed article about genital-shaped vegetables.

You don’t miss Facebook at all and never secretly log in at 2am just to see what it’s up to while hoping no-one from a different timezone spots you online.

Stage 4:  Superiority

You find an article that says that people who use social media have the mental age of four year olds and are more likely not to wash their hands after they pee. That’s not you anymore.

No, you’re one of the élite few thousand that broke up with Facebook just this week — according to the Guardian piece you saw on Twitter.

In fact, Tumblr had something about IQ levels of non-Facebook users being on average half a point higher than social media drones. And loads of strangers  liked that photo you posted on Pinterest of your footstool preferences and the conversation in the comments was pretty high brow and mostly correctly spelled.

Social media is for losers with too much time on their hands.

Stage 5: Moving on

You’re so over Facebook that you’re ready to …

…start a new account on Facebook.

You take things slowly at the beginning, inviting maybe just new friends you’ve met since the break up, guarding your privacy settings fiercely. Then you take the plunge. Just lunch at first, later maybe dinner. Soon you and Facebook are documenting every meal together. Before you know it, Facebook is the last thing you think about at night and the first thing in the morning. How did you ever live without each other?

Life is so much richer when it´s shared.