I know a woman who rarely smiles. When I first encountered her and this dynamic, I felt an existential terror that took me by surprise. Her affect reminded me of trying to get a British royal guard to make eye contact or laugh���it ain���t happening. It seems that most people (except those who have severe blocks to picking up on social cues) naturally mirror each other in conversation, both in energy level, tone, and affect, which builds relationship and understanding. It���s Building Rapport 101, frankly, to do so and is employed by teachers, salespeople, and therapists. Mirroring is one of the building blocks of Neuro-Linguinstic Programming (NLP). Think of how we are naturally quiet and reserved at a funeral, because coming in cracking loud jokes doesn���t match the occasion, right?

OK, back to my terror. Naturally, my first conclusion was that her lack of joy was somehow my fault, and this evoked a desire to rescue her. I mean, why not? I have enthusiasm and joy to spare, and she is a victim of not having any. In the moment, I was too caught up in my role to recognize how I was participating in the classic drama triangle of persecutor, victim, and rescuer.

Whenever we take a position against someone or something else, it sets up an energetic tug of war. And for those of us who ever played this in our youth, we can remember what that feels like: struggle, strife, and using your will to keep your position. The remedy is quite simple.

You drop your end of the rope.

This played out beautifully at a fancy luncheon I attended recently. When this woman sat next to me, I felt myself internally picking up my end of the rope. I began to strategize on how I could engage her, try to make her smile, try to gift her with my enthusiasm. Then suddenly, an internal piece of guidance came into my awareness from the depths of my wisdom. It simply said, ���You don���t have to rescue her. It���s not your job.��� In that moment, I felt a deep sense of calm and relief. I completely let go of the rope; I relaxed and let her be her and let me be me. I did not match her affect or energy. I was bubbly and engaging with the rest of the crowd and thoroughly enjoyed myself.

As a sticky note that I once kept in my drawer at work said, ���It���s not about you.��� ��I highly recommend remembering this little golden nugget if you find yourself in the same situation. What is about you is how you respond to people who want to bring you into the drama triangle. The magical part is, when you quit polarizing, they are left standing with their ���stuff.��� And more times than I can count, they are liberated as much as you are.