Today's Edition
Greetings, citizen, and welcome to Today's Edition, the Bunker's most trustworthy source of news and current events!
And now our top stories this weekstretch.
We here at Today's Edition are proud to announce that absolutely nothing of note happened last weekstretch. You heard us correctly! The struggle against treason has virtually been won. Although we cannot yet declare final victory, isn't it a clear sign of our impending triumph when the social deviants are unable to mount a single, credible attack during the course of an entire weekstretch? Do not be fooled, citizens. The terrorists are still out there, and they are still single-mindedly bent on undermining and destroying our happy utopia. However, it is their annihilation that is all but assured, not our own.
And now a word from our sponsors.
[[ IndexOutOfBoundsException ]]
In other news, Epsilon-clearance citizen Marsha Wong, a site manager in H&C assigned to H-11 sector, stands accused by one of her field organizers, Epsilon clearance citizen Hillary Binzer, of cowardice in the face of the enemy and defeatism. The charges stem from the discovery of an entrance into a hidden terrorist sanctuary during one of citizen Hillary's demolition assignments. Obscured by a vending machine and set behind an illegal poster of that heinous criminal and indiscriminate slayer of Wards of the State, Barney Max, a small portal allegedly led to an underground tunnel. Unfortunately, where exactly it terminated is now impossible to determine, as citizen Marsha subsequently ordered a demolitions team to destroy it. A full investigation of the mysterious tunnel is now all but impossible.
And now a word from our sponsors.
Iornum fedelia locust est conindribus blix. Carutinis finstis? Agelflex teremus se nomine glaudium! Fi infedelitis rex. Non dolorum fenstrum boritis ipsum conipsii arbitii eadis est. Ipsua conungra. Hahaha!
We would now like to draw your attention to the Bunker's emotionally powerful and riveting public service documentary, What Would Carlton Smickett Say? Farting, the release of that noxious gas from our rear ends, cannot be helped nor should it be repressed for long. It is a natural occurrence and an integral part of our digestion. However, there is a time and a place for everything. Certainly, the various sounds that accompany a fart may be construed as amusing – most especially by the person who made it – but for everyone else the experience is hardly a pleasant one. The Bunker maintains a sterile, hygienic environment. Most of us are therefore unused to vile odors wafting through the air. In fact, the smell of flatulence is particularly repugnant. Your fellow citizens should not be wantonly subjected to it. If you feel the need to fart, please retire in a timely fashion to an out-of-the-way location. If there is no such opportunity, you are asked to refrain from blaming it on the person standing next to you. Own up to your stink. It's the decent thing to do. That's surely what Carlton Smickett would say.
And now for some public service announcements.
Jallison Kamgee – singer, songwriter, philosopher, teacher, and friend to us all – will be performing this weekstretch in costume at the Live Free or Die! Gala along with other transgender entertainers at the Koch Room in S-4 sector. Everyone is welcome, and the audience is encouraged to participate in the festivities. Don't forget to bring a sparkling crown and multicolored raiment! Although the show is restricted to Gamma clearance citizens and above, a live feed streamed directly to your PA will be provided to all those able to pay a nominal access fee.
And now a word from our sponsors.
Your PA. Standard, reliable equipment. The most trustworthy and ubiquitous fixture of life in the Bunker and the sole result of Control's beneficence and generosity. There's no room for improvement, is there? Of course not! But your PA most certainly could be modified and enhanced in a way that improves its ease of use and expands its capabilities! We at Bresslet Industries have designed and produced a range of accessories for your PA, none of which violate the Guidelines on Personal and Public Property. Camera and recording upgrades, pressure sensors, and the newest in X-Ray viewing apps! Our snap-on accessories will never record you surreptitiously or generate incriminating video feeds like the next leading brand. So come pay us a visit on X.net or drop by one of our outlets and peruse all the exciting equipment we've got in our inventory! Bresslet Industries. “We're more than just a cheap way to look under someone's jumpsuit.”
The Color of the Patriot is codpiece.
Thank you for your time and attention, citizen. Remember, today is the same as any other! Greetings, and until next weekstretch.
---------------------
Interested readers can find out more about the Bunker in my sci-fi adventure novels, Thank You For Your Cooperation and Your Call Is Important To Us.
And now our top stories this weekstretch.
We here at Today's Edition are proud to announce that absolutely nothing of note happened last weekstretch. You heard us correctly! The struggle against treason has virtually been won. Although we cannot yet declare final victory, isn't it a clear sign of our impending triumph when the social deviants are unable to mount a single, credible attack during the course of an entire weekstretch? Do not be fooled, citizens. The terrorists are still out there, and they are still single-mindedly bent on undermining and destroying our happy utopia. However, it is their annihilation that is all but assured, not our own.
And now a word from our sponsors.
[[ IndexOutOfBoundsException ]]
In other news, Epsilon-clearance citizen Marsha Wong, a site manager in H&C assigned to H-11 sector, stands accused by one of her field organizers, Epsilon clearance citizen Hillary Binzer, of cowardice in the face of the enemy and defeatism. The charges stem from the discovery of an entrance into a hidden terrorist sanctuary during one of citizen Hillary's demolition assignments. Obscured by a vending machine and set behind an illegal poster of that heinous criminal and indiscriminate slayer of Wards of the State, Barney Max, a small portal allegedly led to an underground tunnel. Unfortunately, where exactly it terminated is now impossible to determine, as citizen Marsha subsequently ordered a demolitions team to destroy it. A full investigation of the mysterious tunnel is now all but impossible.
And now a word from our sponsors.
Iornum fedelia locust est conindribus blix. Carutinis finstis? Agelflex teremus se nomine glaudium! Fi infedelitis rex. Non dolorum fenstrum boritis ipsum conipsii arbitii eadis est. Ipsua conungra. Hahaha!
We would now like to draw your attention to the Bunker's emotionally powerful and riveting public service documentary, What Would Carlton Smickett Say? Farting, the release of that noxious gas from our rear ends, cannot be helped nor should it be repressed for long. It is a natural occurrence and an integral part of our digestion. However, there is a time and a place for everything. Certainly, the various sounds that accompany a fart may be construed as amusing – most especially by the person who made it – but for everyone else the experience is hardly a pleasant one. The Bunker maintains a sterile, hygienic environment. Most of us are therefore unused to vile odors wafting through the air. In fact, the smell of flatulence is particularly repugnant. Your fellow citizens should not be wantonly subjected to it. If you feel the need to fart, please retire in a timely fashion to an out-of-the-way location. If there is no such opportunity, you are asked to refrain from blaming it on the person standing next to you. Own up to your stink. It's the decent thing to do. That's surely what Carlton Smickett would say.
And now for some public service announcements.
Jallison Kamgee – singer, songwriter, philosopher, teacher, and friend to us all – will be performing this weekstretch in costume at the Live Free or Die! Gala along with other transgender entertainers at the Koch Room in S-4 sector. Everyone is welcome, and the audience is encouraged to participate in the festivities. Don't forget to bring a sparkling crown and multicolored raiment! Although the show is restricted to Gamma clearance citizens and above, a live feed streamed directly to your PA will be provided to all those able to pay a nominal access fee.
And now a word from our sponsors.
Your PA. Standard, reliable equipment. The most trustworthy and ubiquitous fixture of life in the Bunker and the sole result of Control's beneficence and generosity. There's no room for improvement, is there? Of course not! But your PA most certainly could be modified and enhanced in a way that improves its ease of use and expands its capabilities! We at Bresslet Industries have designed and produced a range of accessories for your PA, none of which violate the Guidelines on Personal and Public Property. Camera and recording upgrades, pressure sensors, and the newest in X-Ray viewing apps! Our snap-on accessories will never record you surreptitiously or generate incriminating video feeds like the next leading brand. So come pay us a visit on X.net or drop by one of our outlets and peruse all the exciting equipment we've got in our inventory! Bresslet Industries. “We're more than just a cheap way to look under someone's jumpsuit.”
The Color of the Patriot is codpiece.
Thank you for your time and attention, citizen. Remember, today is the same as any other! Greetings, and until next weekstretch.
---------------------
Interested readers can find out more about the Bunker in my sci-fi adventure novels, Thank You For Your Cooperation and Your Call Is Important To Us.
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