Time really flies. I didn’t realize it had been so long since I updated. Admittedly, I’ve been in a rut and living my own real live new adult novel lately, filled with angst, depression, despair sometimes and some brief moments of happiness, mostly when I realized that the guy I’m very much in love with knows I’m alive and comes to seek me out rather than the other way around. So yes. I’m a little happier than I have been lately and found some inspiration to work on Confessions of a Fat Girl, which is where I got the idea for this post.

So the story is all about Season and how she battles with the onset of an eating disorder she won’t admit she’s developing and how that effects all her relationships and her relationships effect the disorder. One of those relationships is with Victor. You guys remember him, right? If you don’t know who he is, I won’t spoil it, but he shows up in my other two books. And I wanted to make him the star of his own book, but Victor just doesn’t have enough conflict within himself or outside of him that affect him, nor do things bother him. However, he is Season’s very serious boyfriend in Confessions of a Fat Girl and in the novel, Victor’s a virgin. That’s right guys, I reversed the roles here. Victor is the virgin with little experience in things of sexual nature and Season is the non-virginal female who has to know what boundaries she can push and ease Victor into his sexual awakening… Okay, I’m exaggerating a little. He’s purposely saving it for marriage, and I’m not sure if they get married or not yet at all, but I do know it’s not in the duration of the book which brings me to the point of this post:

Virgin shaming.

Yes. It exists. I mean, you would think in a world where women are criticized for being sluts because they had sex being a virgin is a good thing. NOPE! They get shamed for being a virgin with things like, “You can’t marry someone if you don’t know if you’re sexually compatible,” “You don’t know what you like if you haven’t experimented,” “That’s old fashioned,” and blah, blah, blah!!! Damned for doing and damned for not doing people. So you may as well be damned for doing whatever the hell you’ve made the choice do because someone is going to persecute you for it either damn way!

Here’s the thing, people talk about slut shaming, people talk about how wrong it is, how you should be allowed to have as much sex as you want without anyone judging you for it. But I think when we started to fight so harshly against sexual repression and oppression, we became to covertly sent the message that once you get a certain age, it is not okay to not have sex, even when someone makes the active choice not to. If you’re choosing not to have sex or you choose not to deal with relationships until a certain time period in your life, that should be fine and no one should be telling them that they’re asexual or never going to find someone that wants to be with them. Unfortunately, that’s what virgins of a certain age are faced with.

For example in this article called, When Guys Find Out I’m a Virgin, a girl defends her decision (a totally non-religious decision might I add) to not have sex until marriage. I thought it was awesome that she was so convicted in her choice, especially in a very sexualized world where it seems like even toy commercials are wiring us to want sex. Then I read the comments that said she might be asexual or she might have a psychological problem or that she was wrong to think that way and should rethink her choice. First of all, her choice is harming not a damn soul. Second of all, I think these commenters missed the part where she said she was in no way anti-sex, that she pretty much can’t wait to have sex, that once or twice she’s almost given in to the guy who liked her so much and wanted to rip off her clothes and she thought about letting him, but he left the room to respect her decision. Did they miss all that? It was the first time I became aware of the stigma that’s being created against virginity at a certain age and really began to look into this idea of virgin shaming. And to my surprise, it existed.

I hate this movie, but is this really what women want? A guy who always takes control… minus the abuse of course.

And then I thought about the guys. The guys who are expected to be the controllers of the bedroom, to take charge and know exactly how to please a woman, to have her melting like butter in his arms from a simple touch. Virgin shaming is so much worse for them. Somehow, being a man and a virgin is seen as taking away from their sense of masculinity. Somehow people assume a virgin won’t know what to do when it comes time to get in bed, that they don’t know and won’t ever know how to pleasure a woman. That if they’re waiting for marriage, the two parties involve will be sexually incompatible and the marriage will be over. Or that they’re deprived or… or… all the other things I’ve heard people say about male virgins and all virgins.

And it’s not just what’s said, it’s what’s not said in movies, books, music, and various other forms of entertainment. I can’t name a romance novel where the guy is the shy virgin and the woman takes control. If he is, he’s being made fun of or his sex partner is just as virginal as he is and they both awkwardly fumble through it as though it’s not that serious or it in no way can be romantic or erotic.

Here’s the thing guys. Even the two most compatible people on the planet have to work at sex. Yes. I said it. Sex takes practice. And it doesn’t matter how many people you’ve been with or haven’t been with, sometimes it takes a while to understand what the other person likes or to get over the initial awkwardness. For some people, that’s two hours and for some people it takes more than that. Days, weeks, maybe even a few months. But eventually everyone gets the hang of it and they’re sex lives turn out to be just fine. Or maybe it doesn’t, but that’s totally not dependent on how many people you’ve had sex with or haven’t had sex with in the past. There are a lot of factors that play into it.

My point in this long rant? If you want to have sex. Go for it. No one is stopping you. If you don’t want to have sex, for whatever reason you don’t want to, then don’t. Either way, don’t let anyone judge or shame you for whatever decision you make. And in your efforts to no be shamed, please don’t shame someone who makes a different choice than the one you made.

So Confessions of a Fat Girl are for all the girls who have a problem with how they look whether it’s too fat, too skinny, too short, too tall etc… It’s also for virgins, particularly the male virgins. Whatever the reason you made your choice, it’s okay.

This post is brought to you by:

The Power of Choice Productions

There Will Be No Slut Shaming Productions

There Will Be No Virgin Shaming Productions

I Married a Virgin Man… And He Knew Where to Put His Penis Productions

*All Images Courtesy of Google Images*

Note: No. I did not marry a virgin man. I’m very single, but if you are single man and happen to be a virgin, please send me your number. Lol. Just kidding…. Mostly.