This seems to be a weekly thing now, my reports on what is happening with Pure Food and Wine and One Lucky Duck. If you missed my original post, you can read that here.

I’m beholden to everyone who wrote in to me offering encouragement, advice, and support of all kinds. And I’m honored to have some very cool people all coming together buying shares in the overall company, the big vision, what I’ve always seen and known for the future. I keep thinking if the result of everything here and now is that really good people end up being the supporters, and future beneficiaries of all this, then it will be worth the long wait, the whole long and very bumpy trip getting here. [see note at end on my employees!]

I know this is meant to be big. Meanwhile, it’s an interesting juxtaposition of emotions to have limitless confidence and unflappable certainty about my ideas and the future, while simultaneously still wrestling with those fun deep seated issues of doubting one’s self worth, not feeling deserving of help, or success. I’m 42, can’t I get over the latter issues already? I’m thinking if I put it out there, that will at least help.

Whatever is scariest, and with which you feel you’re dealing all alone, try throwing it up on the table for everyone to see. It’s liberating, and more importantly, honest. This is kind of how I handle some of my business meetings where I discuss investing in my company. I have to make sure to first explain how badly I F’d things up, and make sure we’re all clear on that, before I can get on to all the good things, of what One Lucky Duck and Pure Food and Wine have been for over ten years, and what they can and will grow into. Whoever my audience is I don’t care, I have to tell them that I think in some kind of cosmic things-happen-for-a-reason way, my world had to explode—my unsustainable complicated and scary life situation where I was running things all alone for ten years—so that it could finally get the right support needed all along. It matters to me that anyone involved understands that.  (Also, I know others got hit with shrapnel, and I shall fix those wounds).

Pretending to have it all together, is exhausting. Over the years, so many people would offer me congratulations on my “success”. Very often I’d be in the dining room (or the garden) at Pure Food and Wine where I’d get to meet so many amazing people, thanking me, congratulating me on my success, even wanting advice on how I did it, or saying “I want your life!” and I always have done my best to accept all this gratefully, graciously, and trying to feel honored by it. I should be lifted up by all this, and very often was. Yet for some reason it was also always hugely exhausting, because I never felt like a success. Instead I’ve felt like a racehorse that has been stuck behind the starting gate, all amped up to run, but needing that gate opened. I always have known how big this should be, so these congratulations on my “success” made me only think about how much farther this can and should go. Then I’d be reminded too of feeling alone, and tired, and wanting help but not knowing where to get it, and wishing someone would just come and help me already. Open the damn gate.

Most nights after being in the restaurant like this, I would go home to my place across the street, and lay down on the floor too exhausted to change my clothes, get ready for bed, or do anything, except maybe cry. Then I moved, and got a dog, and so I’d go home and fall onto the couch and spoon my dog and drool, or turn on MSNBC and lose myself in the world of left-wing news. Something to distract me. I also lived in what doubled as our corporate office and place of e-commerce distribution. So my home was the office and I lived at work. Convenient and more affordable, but a little overwhelming too, with inventory piled everywhere. But none of that mattered because whatever I do has always been about the brand, the company and I’m just part of that. Here to move it along, make it happen, put it out in the world, no matter what it takes.

What Pure Food and Wine and One Lucky Duck do is put out food, an experience, something alluring and good to help bring people into this realm of eating well, with a purpose—for our own health and well-being, and that of animals and the world around us. What I can hopefully do is continue to enable that, and grow it into something bigger and bigger, with One Lucky Duck products on shelves in near and far away places, and a Pure Food and Wine in Tokyo, London, and LA, like I’ve always seen it. Maybe even Moscow. Or something like that. All in good time, with the right foundation (hopefully now finally being put in place!) and the right planning, and all the right support.

And while all that happens, I want to be open about as much as I can. Which feels weird to say because I’ve always felt like I’m really open. Young girls, or even people my age, sometimes write to me about struggling with eating disorders and I’ll always reply candidly about my own past issues when I was younger, and what helped me get over them. But I want to speak about it more, mainly because I think it can help. I want to speak about a lot more, particularly anything that is something we commonly struggle with all alone. I’ll never forget years ago when I saw an episode of Oprah (which I never watched, so who knows how I happened to see this particular episode) where she comes out and admits that she’s realized she’s depressed. Oprah? What the hell. She’s amazing. I sat there, riveted, her words resonating. Being in a position where people are asking you for advice, yet going home and eating a bag of tortilla chips to snuff out whatever is going on inside that hurts. Of course, I’m not comparing myself to Oprah (duh!), just saying that I got where she was coming from, and it was massively comforting. I mean, if it’s okay for Oprah to feel shitty…

So, another thing that’s generally under-discussed yet probably wide spread, is this thing of being afraid to ask for help, or doubting your self-worth. I’m pretty sure I’ve just forcibly evolved to the place of recognizing it in myself, in all its self-sabotaging glory. And now that I can see it so clearly, it’s time to let it go and change. Evolution. Speaking (writing) about it will help me, and I have a feeling it could be helpful to others too. Like if my 15 or 19 or 37 year old self could have read about someone else’s bumpy ride, it could have made my own a little smoother. Maybe I’m giving myself too much credit (self-doubt!) but my insides tell me the more I put out there, scary as it may be, the better. Better how I’m not sure, but just better.

What else? I have been listening to too many voices other than my own. I have been doing this for years, and in an unstructured way. It’s one thing to have a board of advisors, or board of directors, and collectively talk it out. That’s what I want! So badly! Structured help, yes please! Instead, for years I’ve been getting advice coming at me from all different directions, yet having to decide alone. And then second guessing what I wanted to do, or taking someone’s advice, even if it feels off. As I wrote in my first post about all this, I recently spent weeks, incredibly valuable weeks, on a deal that didn’t pan out. It felt dark from the start, and I snuffed that feeling aside and carried on, thinking this is what I should be doing (and because I’m not exactly in a position with loads of options and time… hanging from a cliff, you will tend to grab the first and biggest hand being put forward). And there were red flags waving here and there, and still I thought this was going to fix everything. But it wasn’t. And, again assuming things all work out now, I will be saying prayers of gratitude every time I walk through Pure Food and Wine that it did not work, and I did not have to sell out.

My insides have been telling me to write more, put more out there. Meanwhile, some people tell me I write too much. My posts are way too long. Oh well. I write long posts, it’s who I am. This one is rivaling my last long post. So, why this one now? It’s very woe-is-me but that’s where I am, yet feeling right on the cusp of change. My life has been interesting, and blessed in so many ways. So I wonder, why the winding path, why all the stumbles, pain along the way, and then falling on my face here, in front of everyone. Good question. Like I said before, my biggest fear in life has always been letting people down. And then it turns out I do that in a fiery big way. I worry so much about what others think, always wanting to be liked. And then what happens makes me look like the bad guy, in fact, like someone from my past too, in the worst kind of irony. And finally, always being afraid to ask for help. So afraid, and so conditioned to be able to take care of myself, to do it all. Take the stairs, carry my own bags. Speaking of bags and stairs, for years while hauling ass through an airport, taking the stairs, the straps of heavy bags cutting into my shoulder blades, I’d look at people with roller luggage and think, yeah, roller luggage is for pu**ies. Or those moving walkways? Right.

As if life isn’t supposed to be easy. We’re supposed to struggle, take care of others and not rely on anyone else. Never be a burden on anyone. Not be weak, ever. So, my advice now to anyone who may be hurtling along any remotely similar trajectory… take a breather. Evaluate. Because look where it got me? Everything I’ve worked for all these years, what means more to me than anything, what I’ve gone to great lengths to protect, has come apart, and lays here in pieces.

I want to put it back together, and will do whatever it takes, and make everything that was messed up right again, and make it up to anyone that was hurt in the process. Already, I’m worrying that some people I’m working with now are going to freak out about this, tell me if I put anything out there it needs to be positive, that I might F up some deal, or seem too “emotional.”  But I can’t write something that’s not as honest as it can be. And I know for sure that if I can get through this (and I’m a lot closer to getting through it than when I wrote my emo post of three weeks ago), then I’ll be ready for anything and everything that comes. Seriously, anything. And I’ll have the gigantic reassurance of knowing for sure now that believing in something so strongly, and doing whatever it takes to get there, is worth it.

The status of Pure Food and Wine and One Lucky Duck? Yes, almost there! Is it still freaking me out to my core? Yes. Might it work out beautifully? Yes. I hope so, with all my heart. This brand and everyone involved deserve the best support there is, and the perfect outcome with the right people, and all the right energy.

In the  meantime, over the last few weeks, so many people have been so incredibly kind and wanting to help with getting the tire fixed on this operation, and getting it open again ASAP, and then at least 85 people told me “do a kickstarter!” and I’m all… yeah but a) kickstarter is for specific projects, not fixing something, and b) it takes way more time than I have. But people, (“the people!”) kept saying, do a crowd-funding! If X people give you just Y, you’ll get what’s needed and fast. And I’m all, yeah but that means asking for help! Not to mention it’s super awkward because here I am, saying I’m the one who messed things up. I don’t deserve help. (that voice!). On top of that, I’ve been corralling investors, so how could I do both at the same time? Except, investments sit in a fun limbo place called escrow, until i’s are dotted and t’s crossed and ink is dry. And well, the more help that can come in, the faster stuff can get taken care of that badly needs to be taken care of and the faster this can be secure and ready to re-launch.

So, a week ago, I quickly looked at the options and found that one site allows for super fast set up and flexibility. Awkwardly it’s set up for “donations” but I figure I could jerry rig it to make it based on giving something back in exchange, which I did. But I did not post it on my “social media” nor did I even put a direct link in my last blog. Why? Because I was being advised not to by a few, even while people out there were saying do it. So, I was taking the advice from a few. After all, it felt safer from the perspective of being terrified to put your self out there, and ask. So, I abstained from posting it.

BUT… I couldn’t stop thinking about it. I mean, what’s the reality? Would it be good for my staff, with whom I still have to finish making things right? Yes. So, therefore, worth any risk. Would it be good for extra security to get One Lucky Duck/Pure Food and Wine safe and reopen that much faster? Yes, for sure. Could it even be something that makes people feel happy to do, whether or not for the value being exchanged? Maybe, I hope so. Do I have a tendency to write questions and answer them rather just stating things affirmatively? Apparently.

So, despite advisor advice, I will listen to the people, and importantly, my gut. Which says, f*ck it, just put this out there for f*ck’s sake and hope for the best.

Here it is!  http://bit.ly/OneLuckyDuck

There are listed a bunch of things for exchange but like I say, open to anything. I offer myself up for lunch or dinner… and feel queasy because it’s presuming anyone would even want that. Voice inside: Who do you think you are? Who would want to have dinner with you?  Blah! Trying not to listen to that voice, just the overall feeling to put this out there, let it fly, see what happens and if it may help, even change everything.

I referenced above a note about employees. I have to say again, that a lot of people were hurt by what happened, by me. And no matter what the haters say, I do care. Anyone who is among those ripping on me lately… have a field day with this! I’m ready. Seriously, fire away. Just know that every move I make is towards fixing this all around. By doing this, I can maybe fix it that much faster. Which is what I want to do, so badly.

You know when you’re leaving a voice mail and you realize it’s too long and then you awkwardly can’t stop and don’t know how to say “bye” to the silence on the other end? Me, now.

What can I say. THANK YOU. Times infinity. I want to get this running as soon as possible, people back at jobs, happy to be around each other, and putting out really special product. And I keep thinking of the garden at Pure Food and Wine this Spring/Summer on those warm nights with the lights glowing in the trees. And walking through in whatever dress and dirty sneakers I’ve put on that day, and from now on whoever I meet and see, knowing you’ve all now seen me at the bottom of the dumpster. And strangely, that feels amazing.

Thank you so much.

Sarma

can we bring this back to you please?

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