So you’ve got a story to tell. That’s great! Unfortunately, you’re not really a writer and don’t think you can do the story justice yourself, but it’s such a good story, better than others you’ve read, and it really deserves to see the light of day. Wouldn’t it be great if you could just find a writer to write it for you? Surely there must be a writer somewhere who’s searching for some appropriate material. Maybe one has just been waiting for you and your awesome story to come down the pike, and once the two of you team up you can make millions.

I have actually heard “offers” like that—more than once. Somehow, the ones approaching me failed to see the grave insult they dealt me. In the interest of preventing this from happening again, to me or to other writers, I will explain why.

First, I became a writer because I have my own stories to tell. They come to me in all manner and form, at all hours of the day and night. There are so many of them, only the very best ones get written, and not even all of those get finished. I may occasionally go through periods when I am not inspired to write anything, but I never sit around and wish someone with a great idea would come along to help me. I don’t need a collaborator, which is why I wrote all that stuff by myself before you came along, and will continue to write more after you go away.

When you tell me you’ve got a story that’s better than anything you’ve read, you’re including the stories I’ve written. This is an insult. Plus, your “story” is usually just a character trait or an anecdote, not an actual story with conflict, resolution, and a beginning and ending. Your tale is not so good someone with your lack of skill can’t possibly tell it right; you’re just lazy and want someone else to do all the work.

Writing is like any other hobby or skill. Writers write because they love it, but that doesn’t mean they want to work for free at your whim, any more than you’d appreciate being asked to come over and paint my garage because you’d be so much better at it than I would. Even if it’s an awesome garage and I chose a fantastic color, and it’s going to look just great when you’re done.

My writing does not support me—yet—so the time I manage to find for writing outside of my working hours is precious. I only have the time and energy for things that inspire me, and your story isn’t it. I don’t care if you think it’s better than any of mine; I don’t need your approval. I’ve already written several books and will write many more without consulting you.

If your story is as good as you say, you don’t need me to tell it. Write it yourself. I’m already busy.