Today's Edition
Greetings, citizens. My name is – well, that's not really important right now. What is important is that you're tuned in to the latest dispatch from Today's Edition!
OPEN COMMENT PERIOD COMMENCES! As part of a continuing effort to increase the responsiveness of the Bunker's instruments of policy to public opinion, Central Management has created a place on X.net where concerned citizens can register their approval of proposed forms and applications. Simply log in to their portal, select “Latest and Greatest” from the main menu, untick the radio button “Yes, I am a terrorist” (unless of course you are a terrorist, in which case you should report immediately to your Homeland Security neighborhood substation), choose “Forms and Applications” from the dropdown box, scroll to the bottom of the resulting page, tap the link in small print “Tell Me More” – [[ IOException ]] [[ Data feed dropped ]] – Helloooooo out there fellow headbangers of the Bunker! I'm Kraken, and this pirate message is being brought to you straight from the den of Purple Nurple! Let me guess: you love causing mayhem and destruction. You'd love to see the entire Bunker come crashing down in a heap of smoke and twisted metal girders! And the thought of dying a painful death of asphyxiation as the vacuum of space rushes in gives you a deep, exhilarating thrill. Well, you're in luck! Purple Nurple will be holding a rare recruitment drive at the Oliver L. North Plaza in G-8 sector in exactly four hourstretches. Come on down! You'll know how to find us. Just follow the screams... Kraken out! – [[ Data feed restored ]] – double tap the folder icon, and flip to the fourth page, where you must log in once again. It's that simple! All citizens are invited to participate.
ROAD RAGE SEMINAR OPENS TO THE GENERAL PUBLIC! Starting tomorrow, commuting professors will fan out throughout the Bunker, offering free and mandatory refresher courses on proper behavior while behind the joystick. As you well know, road rage has become a pressing social problem in the Bunker's corridors as well as the transtube. Yes, it is only natural to be frustrated when pedestrians keep walking across the zebra pad and there's no opportunity for you to pass. Yes, it is understandable to want to ram the autopod that just stole your parking space or wantonly cut in front of you. But it is certainly not lawful to give in to sudden flashes of anger, however intense they may be. Anyone licensed to operate a movebot – including the owners of steppods and scooters – must pass the examination within one weekstretch or be grounded indefinitely. No exceptions will be made.
HORRID ODOR INVADES PUBLIC SPACES! An awful stench has made its presence felt in the Oliver L. North Plaza in G-8 sector. The source of the troublesome smell is as yet unknown, but experts will doubtlessly have it eliminated within several hourstretches. Although completely benign, citizens are encouraged to avoid the area at all costs. Anyone with urgent business at the Oliver L. North Plaza is asked to report to one of the mobile checkpoints set up at the plaza's four main entrances. There, heavily armed but neighborly guardians from Defense will help you through the registration process. Thank you for your cooperation.
And now a word from our sponsors!
Crook's Autpod Repair Shop. We're as trustworthy as they come. “No, really.”
DEAR EDITOR, During my shift at the foundry this morning, I got a nosebleed. My team was behind on our quota, so instead of running off to the clinic I decided to stay on. My supervisor told me about a home remedy his mother taught her before she went to the creche. So I did what she said: I held cold packs to my scrotum and raised my arms above my head. Not only did the bleeding get worse, but now I can't feel when I have to pee! The bleeding's finally stopped, but I still should probably go see a medibot. Thing is, our quota was just extended because of some kind of emergency, and we've all been automatically recruited for voluntary overtime! Should I leave my team for the clinic or risk urinating in my jumpsuit? Patriotically yours, Albert Frumm K-14 sector.
DEAR ALBERT, the Bunker is a utopia. Everything already works perfectly the way it is. Thanks for taking the time to write to us.
That's all the time we have for today, folks. On behalf of the staff here at Today's Edition, it was a pleasure to serve you. Until next weekstretch!
---------------------
Interested readers can find out more about the Bunker in my sci-fi adventure novels, Thank You For Your Cooperation and Your Call Is Important To Us.
OPEN COMMENT PERIOD COMMENCES! As part of a continuing effort to increase the responsiveness of the Bunker's instruments of policy to public opinion, Central Management has created a place on X.net where concerned citizens can register their approval of proposed forms and applications. Simply log in to their portal, select “Latest and Greatest” from the main menu, untick the radio button “Yes, I am a terrorist” (unless of course you are a terrorist, in which case you should report immediately to your Homeland Security neighborhood substation), choose “Forms and Applications” from the dropdown box, scroll to the bottom of the resulting page, tap the link in small print “Tell Me More” – [[ IOException ]] [[ Data feed dropped ]] – Helloooooo out there fellow headbangers of the Bunker! I'm Kraken, and this pirate message is being brought to you straight from the den of Purple Nurple! Let me guess: you love causing mayhem and destruction. You'd love to see the entire Bunker come crashing down in a heap of smoke and twisted metal girders! And the thought of dying a painful death of asphyxiation as the vacuum of space rushes in gives you a deep, exhilarating thrill. Well, you're in luck! Purple Nurple will be holding a rare recruitment drive at the Oliver L. North Plaza in G-8 sector in exactly four hourstretches. Come on down! You'll know how to find us. Just follow the screams... Kraken out! – [[ Data feed restored ]] – double tap the folder icon, and flip to the fourth page, where you must log in once again. It's that simple! All citizens are invited to participate.
ROAD RAGE SEMINAR OPENS TO THE GENERAL PUBLIC! Starting tomorrow, commuting professors will fan out throughout the Bunker, offering free and mandatory refresher courses on proper behavior while behind the joystick. As you well know, road rage has become a pressing social problem in the Bunker's corridors as well as the transtube. Yes, it is only natural to be frustrated when pedestrians keep walking across the zebra pad and there's no opportunity for you to pass. Yes, it is understandable to want to ram the autopod that just stole your parking space or wantonly cut in front of you. But it is certainly not lawful to give in to sudden flashes of anger, however intense they may be. Anyone licensed to operate a movebot – including the owners of steppods and scooters – must pass the examination within one weekstretch or be grounded indefinitely. No exceptions will be made.
HORRID ODOR INVADES PUBLIC SPACES! An awful stench has made its presence felt in the Oliver L. North Plaza in G-8 sector. The source of the troublesome smell is as yet unknown, but experts will doubtlessly have it eliminated within several hourstretches. Although completely benign, citizens are encouraged to avoid the area at all costs. Anyone with urgent business at the Oliver L. North Plaza is asked to report to one of the mobile checkpoints set up at the plaza's four main entrances. There, heavily armed but neighborly guardians from Defense will help you through the registration process. Thank you for your cooperation.
And now a word from our sponsors!
Crook's Autpod Repair Shop. We're as trustworthy as they come. “No, really.”
DEAR EDITOR, During my shift at the foundry this morning, I got a nosebleed. My team was behind on our quota, so instead of running off to the clinic I decided to stay on. My supervisor told me about a home remedy his mother taught her before she went to the creche. So I did what she said: I held cold packs to my scrotum and raised my arms above my head. Not only did the bleeding get worse, but now I can't feel when I have to pee! The bleeding's finally stopped, but I still should probably go see a medibot. Thing is, our quota was just extended because of some kind of emergency, and we've all been automatically recruited for voluntary overtime! Should I leave my team for the clinic or risk urinating in my jumpsuit? Patriotically yours, Albert Frumm K-14 sector.
DEAR ALBERT, the Bunker is a utopia. Everything already works perfectly the way it is. Thanks for taking the time to write to us.
That's all the time we have for today, folks. On behalf of the staff here at Today's Edition, it was a pleasure to serve you. Until next weekstretch!
---------------------
Interested readers can find out more about the Bunker in my sci-fi adventure novels, Thank You For Your Cooperation and Your Call Is Important To Us.
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