Today's Edition
Greetings, citizens. My name is – well, that's not really important right now. What is important is that you're tuned in to the latest dispatch from Today's Edition!
THE GOOD NEIGHBORHOOD RUNNER RELEASED TO GREAT ACCLAIM! A few hourstretches ago, the first breathless viewers were finally afforded the Bunker's premier screening of The Good Neighborhood Runner, Harmin Luckstone's latest blockbuster action movie. Initially delayed due to a bureaucratic accident over at Human Resource's Public Diplomacy division, the film has already received enthusiastic reviews. “A product of the Bunker's penchant for innovation combined with unbridled enthusiasm for wholesome, humorous vengeance. Not to mention lots of gratuitous gore and sex – sometimes at the same time!” So relayed a triumphant Milfred Roth, celebrity manager and current free agent, standing outside the Breathless Breezes community theater in C-4 sector. Throngs of fanatical fans swamped the turnstiles leading inside. “If the film's curious and entirely unanticipated delay has led to a sharp increase in ticket sales, the extra profits are an entirely unforeseen consequence,” Milfred Roth added with his usual aplomb before being whisked away in a limousine.
TERRORISTS STRIKE IN THE BOWELS OF R-7 SECTOR – LITERALLY! Casual visitors to the Enlightenment Through Conformity community dining hall were shocked and surprised when they all started fleeing for the nearest cleaning station. The lines were long and unsanitary. Explosive diarrhea is never a laughing matter, but this time the culprit was a provocateur from Frontal Lobotomy, that despicable band of hooligans intent on tearing asunder our peaceful, happy society. All the available agents from Homeland Security rushed to the scene, cordoned off the entrance, and demanded gas masks from their superiors. Reports that petty crime elsewhere in R-7 sector soared cannot be confirmed but are highly unlikely. It is, of course, extremely difficult to head off such attacks. After all, experience teaches that people – even the most loyal citizen – are highly unpredictable. Consider the traitor who introduced the offending strain of Cyclospora Cayetanensis into the Vitamim at the Enlightenment Through Conformity community dining hall. Did he have any visible marks identifying him as a social deviant? Of course not. Could this foul criminal have been inspired by a feed readily available on any vidchannel on X.net? The Bunker prides itself on its unrestricted flow of information. No one can say, and that's what's worrisome. In fact – We're sorry, but the article you have been reading has been redacted and no longer exists. There is no such thing as censorship in the Bunker. We apologize for the inconvenience.
PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT: Citizens, as you well know, the Terrorist Alert Level has just been raised to 'foreordained'. It's anyone's guess where the next threat will originate. That's why we're asking you to take a good, hard look at your neighbors and friends. Report any suspicious behavior you observe to a friendly agent at your Homeland Security neighborhood substation. Remember: only YOU can stop terrorism!
And now a word from our sponsors!
Arnold Pearsons Ltd. is proud to produce the Bunker's only officially approved line of quality letter openers! Never mind that email has almost completely replaced old-fashioned paper. Letter openers are one of the most overlooked utility items – until you need one! Sturdy, dependable, and weighted at the end of the hilt, Arnold Pearsons stands by its craftsmanship. The elongated blade can penetrate the deepest envelope and its serrated edge the toughest glue! Specially designed depressions allow for the immediate release of any viscous liquid that may be lurking inside. Arnold Pearsons letter openers are in high demand for a good reason. And it's certainly not because our letter openers also function as deadly weapons! Arnold Pearsons letter openers are meant for opening packages, not people. Arnold Pearsons. “Letter openers don't kill people; people kill people.”
DEAR EDITOR, I wish I were thinner. I need to be thinner. But they take attendance at my local commissary, and the butt checker at the cleaning station where I sometimes force myself to throw up is on to me. I think I need help. I know I need help. Who do I turn to? Anonymously yours, Ulfred Ringer N-7 sector.
DEAR ULFRED, the Bunker is a utopia. Everything already works perfectly the way it is. Thanks for taking the time to write to us.
HARMIN LUCKSTONE THE PROUD RECIPIENT OF FIFTEEN MINUTES OF FAME! Fans of the vidstar and other well-wishing citizens can come to the Catalina V. Villalpando Plaza in E-8 sector during the next two hourstretches where citizen Milfred Roth will be signing autographs on behalf of the zany vidstar – and himself.
That's all the time we have for today, folks. On behalf of the staff here at Today's Edition, it was a pleasure to serve you. Until next weekstretch!
---------------------
Interested readers can find out more about the Bunker in my sci-fi adventure novels, Thank You For Your Cooperation and Your Call Is Important To Us.
THE GOOD NEIGHBORHOOD RUNNER RELEASED TO GREAT ACCLAIM! A few hourstretches ago, the first breathless viewers were finally afforded the Bunker's premier screening of The Good Neighborhood Runner, Harmin Luckstone's latest blockbuster action movie. Initially delayed due to a bureaucratic accident over at Human Resource's Public Diplomacy division, the film has already received enthusiastic reviews. “A product of the Bunker's penchant for innovation combined with unbridled enthusiasm for wholesome, humorous vengeance. Not to mention lots of gratuitous gore and sex – sometimes at the same time!” So relayed a triumphant Milfred Roth, celebrity manager and current free agent, standing outside the Breathless Breezes community theater in C-4 sector. Throngs of fanatical fans swamped the turnstiles leading inside. “If the film's curious and entirely unanticipated delay has led to a sharp increase in ticket sales, the extra profits are an entirely unforeseen consequence,” Milfred Roth added with his usual aplomb before being whisked away in a limousine.
TERRORISTS STRIKE IN THE BOWELS OF R-7 SECTOR – LITERALLY! Casual visitors to the Enlightenment Through Conformity community dining hall were shocked and surprised when they all started fleeing for the nearest cleaning station. The lines were long and unsanitary. Explosive diarrhea is never a laughing matter, but this time the culprit was a provocateur from Frontal Lobotomy, that despicable band of hooligans intent on tearing asunder our peaceful, happy society. All the available agents from Homeland Security rushed to the scene, cordoned off the entrance, and demanded gas masks from their superiors. Reports that petty crime elsewhere in R-7 sector soared cannot be confirmed but are highly unlikely. It is, of course, extremely difficult to head off such attacks. After all, experience teaches that people – even the most loyal citizen – are highly unpredictable. Consider the traitor who introduced the offending strain of Cyclospora Cayetanensis into the Vitamim at the Enlightenment Through Conformity community dining hall. Did he have any visible marks identifying him as a social deviant? Of course not. Could this foul criminal have been inspired by a feed readily available on any vidchannel on X.net? The Bunker prides itself on its unrestricted flow of information. No one can say, and that's what's worrisome. In fact – We're sorry, but the article you have been reading has been redacted and no longer exists. There is no such thing as censorship in the Bunker. We apologize for the inconvenience.
PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT: Citizens, as you well know, the Terrorist Alert Level has just been raised to 'foreordained'. It's anyone's guess where the next threat will originate. That's why we're asking you to take a good, hard look at your neighbors and friends. Report any suspicious behavior you observe to a friendly agent at your Homeland Security neighborhood substation. Remember: only YOU can stop terrorism!
And now a word from our sponsors!
Arnold Pearsons Ltd. is proud to produce the Bunker's only officially approved line of quality letter openers! Never mind that email has almost completely replaced old-fashioned paper. Letter openers are one of the most overlooked utility items – until you need one! Sturdy, dependable, and weighted at the end of the hilt, Arnold Pearsons stands by its craftsmanship. The elongated blade can penetrate the deepest envelope and its serrated edge the toughest glue! Specially designed depressions allow for the immediate release of any viscous liquid that may be lurking inside. Arnold Pearsons letter openers are in high demand for a good reason. And it's certainly not because our letter openers also function as deadly weapons! Arnold Pearsons letter openers are meant for opening packages, not people. Arnold Pearsons. “Letter openers don't kill people; people kill people.”
DEAR EDITOR, I wish I were thinner. I need to be thinner. But they take attendance at my local commissary, and the butt checker at the cleaning station where I sometimes force myself to throw up is on to me. I think I need help. I know I need help. Who do I turn to? Anonymously yours, Ulfred Ringer N-7 sector.
DEAR ULFRED, the Bunker is a utopia. Everything already works perfectly the way it is. Thanks for taking the time to write to us.
HARMIN LUCKSTONE THE PROUD RECIPIENT OF FIFTEEN MINUTES OF FAME! Fans of the vidstar and other well-wishing citizens can come to the Catalina V. Villalpando Plaza in E-8 sector during the next two hourstretches where citizen Milfred Roth will be signing autographs on behalf of the zany vidstar – and himself.
That's all the time we have for today, folks. On behalf of the staff here at Today's Edition, it was a pleasure to serve you. Until next weekstretch!
---------------------
Interested readers can find out more about the Bunker in my sci-fi adventure novels, Thank You For Your Cooperation and Your Call Is Important To Us.
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