Today's Edition
Greetings, citizens. My name is – well, that's not really important right now. What is important is that you're tuned in to the latest dispatch from Today's Edition!
And now a word from our sponsors!
Ever wonder what community living is like? You might not have a security clearance, but you've heard the stories. In communal living facilities scattered throughout the Bunker, each resident has his or her own roomy cubicle. The cleaning station has a few extra toilets, and the commissaries have an expanded menu. You don't have an Epsilon clearance? Not a problem! Total Submersion VR Tours can take you there – in your mind! You won't know the difference between one of our specially designed VR tours and the real thing. Total Submersion VR Tours are perfectly safe and guaranteed not to fuse parts of your cerebral cortex like the next leading brand – or your money back! Come on down to our studios in R-8 sector to browse the testimonials from thousands of satisfied customers. Our qualified service representatives will help you find the package that's right for you. Total Submersion VR Tours. “The perfect experience – like the perfect citizen – is the one you engineer beforehand.”
HAPPINESS INDEX RISES TO NEW RECORD! The Bureau of Statistics over at Central Management erupted in celebration earlier today after announcing the latest reading of the Happiness Index. As far back as anyone can remember, each reading has consistently surpassed the previous. The most authoritative gauge of the welfare of the Bunker's many inhabitants, it is compiled each monthstretch from data collected in mandatory surveys. These questionnaires are designed by a top secret team of Community Psychologists, administered by gangs of sure-footed Survey Fullbacks armed with stun guns, and scored by a crack squadron of Probability Statisticians on a protracted Sedeterol binge. The proud volunteers conscripted to take the Happiness Survey are either rewarded with a special pin or hauled away to a labor camp until they are ready to fully acknowledge the extent of their heartfelt joy. Perhaps unsurprisingly, the uninterrupted surge in the Happiness Index is incontrovertible proof that the terrorists have failed to make even the slightest dent in our unwavering resolve to mercilessly eradicate them from all space, time, and memory.
DEAR EDITOR, Ever since I graduated from the creche, my assigned naptime has been at the start of my daystretch – just after breakfast! I've tried filling out the proper forms to get it changed, but they are consistently rejected or ignored. What gives? Bella Johnson A-6 sector.
DEAR BELLA, the Bunker is a utopia. Everything already works perfectly the way it is. Thanks for taking the time to write to us.
That's all the time we have for today, folks. On behalf of the staff here at Today's Edition, it was a pleasure to serve you. Until next weekstretch!
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Interested readers can find out more about the Bunker in my sci-fi adventure novels, Thank You For Your Cooperation and Your Call Is Important To Us.
And now a word from our sponsors!
Ever wonder what community living is like? You might not have a security clearance, but you've heard the stories. In communal living facilities scattered throughout the Bunker, each resident has his or her own roomy cubicle. The cleaning station has a few extra toilets, and the commissaries have an expanded menu. You don't have an Epsilon clearance? Not a problem! Total Submersion VR Tours can take you there – in your mind! You won't know the difference between one of our specially designed VR tours and the real thing. Total Submersion VR Tours are perfectly safe and guaranteed not to fuse parts of your cerebral cortex like the next leading brand – or your money back! Come on down to our studios in R-8 sector to browse the testimonials from thousands of satisfied customers. Our qualified service representatives will help you find the package that's right for you. Total Submersion VR Tours. “The perfect experience – like the perfect citizen – is the one you engineer beforehand.”
HAPPINESS INDEX RISES TO NEW RECORD! The Bureau of Statistics over at Central Management erupted in celebration earlier today after announcing the latest reading of the Happiness Index. As far back as anyone can remember, each reading has consistently surpassed the previous. The most authoritative gauge of the welfare of the Bunker's many inhabitants, it is compiled each monthstretch from data collected in mandatory surveys. These questionnaires are designed by a top secret team of Community Psychologists, administered by gangs of sure-footed Survey Fullbacks armed with stun guns, and scored by a crack squadron of Probability Statisticians on a protracted Sedeterol binge. The proud volunteers conscripted to take the Happiness Survey are either rewarded with a special pin or hauled away to a labor camp until they are ready to fully acknowledge the extent of their heartfelt joy. Perhaps unsurprisingly, the uninterrupted surge in the Happiness Index is incontrovertible proof that the terrorists have failed to make even the slightest dent in our unwavering resolve to mercilessly eradicate them from all space, time, and memory.
DEAR EDITOR, Ever since I graduated from the creche, my assigned naptime has been at the start of my daystretch – just after breakfast! I've tried filling out the proper forms to get it changed, but they are consistently rejected or ignored. What gives? Bella Johnson A-6 sector.
DEAR BELLA, the Bunker is a utopia. Everything already works perfectly the way it is. Thanks for taking the time to write to us.
That's all the time we have for today, folks. On behalf of the staff here at Today's Edition, it was a pleasure to serve you. Until next weekstretch!
---------------------
Interested readers can find out more about the Bunker in my sci-fi adventure novels, Thank You For Your Cooperation and Your Call Is Important To Us.
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