Intentional parenting is all about knowing your values and picking your battles. It is not possible to be intentional if you aren’t mindful of your intentions. Also, micromanaging your children takes responsibility and accountability away from them. It is also the recipe for a quick burnout for you.

I try to be as intentional as possible, but it is not as easy as writing a curriculum of what I want my daughter to learn, do, and be. I can try to carry out pre-planned lessons, but the real parenting challenge comes in identifying teachable moments, and then making the most of them. But I have a doubt about my choices.

In general, I want my daughter to do everything that she is capable of so she can learn to do even more. She is a go getter, but she also would love daddy (me) to attend to her every step. I love my daughter dearly so I know that doing for her what she can do herself would keep her from becoming self-reliant. I can’t always be there for her, so I need to give her the training opportunities to be there for herself.

I think that the jungle gym gives me the biggest qualms. She is three and a half, so her physical strength and agility are coming into their own right now. She can get up to the top of every climbing tower in the park. She can’t get down. So what do I do? She can physically get down, but she needs to overcome her fear of falling by trusting in her own abilities.

When she yells “look at me, daddy” from the top and takes a hand off the bar to wave, I try to keep the alarm off of my face so that I don’t sap her confidence. I give her lots of encouragement and praise for the sure steps and good handholds. And when it comes time to descend? I absolutely help her. I don’t just pick her up like a deus ex machina. I guide and secure her feet and occasionally position my hands around her torso in case she should slip. I am the same way in teaching her how to swim. If she doesn’t want to dunk her head, I don’t dunk it for her. I am just not a “throw her into the deep end” kind of dad.

I believe I am being a good, intentional parent when I don’t give in when she is angry and crying because of something that I did or didn’t do. But I can’t see myself letting her cry at the top of the tower while I’m calling reassurance to her. Just today I let her cry instead of helping her put a diaper on her baby “so she doesn’t go pee pee in her blanket.” Almost any other time, I would have helped her with the diaper. I hate it when the baby goes pee pee in her blanket. But I had just asked my daughter to wash her hands and come to lunch. So, I picked my battle and held my ground, even though it meant a meltdown and a heartrending “it will just take a little minute.” Then I had to take her to her room because I gave her the choice of washing her hands and eating or going to her room and resting. I took her crying to be her decision that she wanted to rest.

I tell myself that, at three and a half, my daughter needs me to show her that she has a safety net. That her reach can exceed her grasp, and she doesn’t have to lose a tooth in the process. Some of my friends listen to my stories and make the motion of winding a thread around their little finger. I hope that the story I am telling myself about my actions matching my intentions is true. I guess I will have to ask her therapist in 30 or so years.

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