Today's Edition
Greetings, citizens. My name is – well, that's not really important right now. What is important is that you're tuned in to the latest dispatch from Today's Edition!
PLOT TO MURDER LOHIT THAKUR FOILED! Alpha-clearance citizen and Vizier of Product Realization over at Developmental Engineering, Lohit Thakur, was narrowly rescued from certain death earlier today. What is already being billed across the various subnets as the Yoyo Murder fortunately never happened – thanks to Harold Schmink, hithertofore an undistinguished concrete pourer from E-14 sector. The wily executor of the insidious plot, Geraldine Lesauvage – an avid and by all accounts skilled fan of the yoyo – was standing above citizen Lohit on the sector exchange between F-7 and F-8 sectors when the toy she was hurling with callous disregard about her person suddenly broke free. The adamantine and hard-edged pair of disks connected by an axle sped unerringly towards its oblivious target. At considerable risk to himself, Harold Schmink saved the daystretch by bravely pulling citizen Lohit to safety. Naturally, the hard-nosed wretch claimed the whole incident was an accident, but Harold Schmink was able to describe in vivid detail the cruel look in her eye just before she struck. Citizen Lohit Thakur promoted him to Epsilon clearance on the spot, and the odious Geraldine Lesauvage was taken away. Fortunately, no one is likely to ever hear from her again.
MILFRED ROTH ARRESTED! Celebrity manager and Beta clearance citizen Milfred Roth was detained earlier this weekstretch by a Search and Extraction Team in a daring operation carried out in the transtube. Trapped somewhere betwen C-4 and C-6 sectors, he was forced to limp from the smoking remains of his limopod with his hands in the air. Although it might come as a shock to some of you, there can be no doubt that citizen Milfred is a vile terrorist and member of the God and Freedom Church. His boardroom antics – including high-profile mass layoffs coupled with executive bonuses, forced renegotiation of contracts under duress, and raiding corporate pension funds with impunity – were a favorite with the public. Unfortunately, they were also a duplicitous act meant to cover up terrorist activities. What exactly he's been up to will be revealed in the coming weekstretches right here at Today's Edition. Stay tuned as our editorial staff applies a magnifying lens to his sordid, miserable life. It goes without saying that you can count on our journalistic integrity and professional objectivity.
And now a word from our sponsors!
Johnson & Wesley is a name synonymous with cool, long-lasting relief. Do you suffer from internal hemorrhoids? There's nothing to be embarrassed about. Did you know that one-in-three citizens suffers from the same affliction as you? Johnson & Wesley Anal Cream provides blissful and immediate relief without the painful side-effects of surgery. Johnson & Wesley Anal Cream. “Also good for treating anal fissures and anusitis caused by flatulence or yeast infection.”
DEAR EDITOR, Is Milfred Roth really a terrorist? It's just so hard to believe... I've been a fan for yearstretches. I've even got autographed pink slips under my pillow! Last yearstretch he came to V sector and set up a mobile boardroom in the Bernard B. Kerik Plaza near Barracks Seven, and I got to see him chew out a table full of vice-presidents. One of them even cried! It was awesome! Dazed and confused, Sally Richards V-13 sector.
DEAR SALLY, the Bunker is a utopia. Everything already works perfectly the way it is. Thanks for taking the time to write to us.
PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT: As you very well know, all citizens are required by the Guidelines on Daily Living to deposit recyclable materials into the bins and chutes provided throughout the Bunker for your convenience. It is, however, important to remember that not every object is a candidate for reclamation. Used sanitary tissue in particular cannot be salvaged and should therefore be properly disposed of in the clearly marked containers found in your cleaning station. Throwing used sanitary issue into recycling chutes is not only unhygienic but needlessly subjects your fellow citizens to unhealthy pathogens. Remember: “If it's got shit on it, there's nothing more we can do with it.” Thank you for your cooperation.
That's all the time we have for today, folks. On behalf of the staff here at Today's Edition, it was a pleasure to serve you. Until next weekstretch!
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Interested readers can find out more about the Bunker in my sci-fi adventure novels, Thank You For Your Cooperation and Your Call Is Important To Us.
PLOT TO MURDER LOHIT THAKUR FOILED! Alpha-clearance citizen and Vizier of Product Realization over at Developmental Engineering, Lohit Thakur, was narrowly rescued from certain death earlier today. What is already being billed across the various subnets as the Yoyo Murder fortunately never happened – thanks to Harold Schmink, hithertofore an undistinguished concrete pourer from E-14 sector. The wily executor of the insidious plot, Geraldine Lesauvage – an avid and by all accounts skilled fan of the yoyo – was standing above citizen Lohit on the sector exchange between F-7 and F-8 sectors when the toy she was hurling with callous disregard about her person suddenly broke free. The adamantine and hard-edged pair of disks connected by an axle sped unerringly towards its oblivious target. At considerable risk to himself, Harold Schmink saved the daystretch by bravely pulling citizen Lohit to safety. Naturally, the hard-nosed wretch claimed the whole incident was an accident, but Harold Schmink was able to describe in vivid detail the cruel look in her eye just before she struck. Citizen Lohit Thakur promoted him to Epsilon clearance on the spot, and the odious Geraldine Lesauvage was taken away. Fortunately, no one is likely to ever hear from her again.
MILFRED ROTH ARRESTED! Celebrity manager and Beta clearance citizen Milfred Roth was detained earlier this weekstretch by a Search and Extraction Team in a daring operation carried out in the transtube. Trapped somewhere betwen C-4 and C-6 sectors, he was forced to limp from the smoking remains of his limopod with his hands in the air. Although it might come as a shock to some of you, there can be no doubt that citizen Milfred is a vile terrorist and member of the God and Freedom Church. His boardroom antics – including high-profile mass layoffs coupled with executive bonuses, forced renegotiation of contracts under duress, and raiding corporate pension funds with impunity – were a favorite with the public. Unfortunately, they were also a duplicitous act meant to cover up terrorist activities. What exactly he's been up to will be revealed in the coming weekstretches right here at Today's Edition. Stay tuned as our editorial staff applies a magnifying lens to his sordid, miserable life. It goes without saying that you can count on our journalistic integrity and professional objectivity.
And now a word from our sponsors!
Johnson & Wesley is a name synonymous with cool, long-lasting relief. Do you suffer from internal hemorrhoids? There's nothing to be embarrassed about. Did you know that one-in-three citizens suffers from the same affliction as you? Johnson & Wesley Anal Cream provides blissful and immediate relief without the painful side-effects of surgery. Johnson & Wesley Anal Cream. “Also good for treating anal fissures and anusitis caused by flatulence or yeast infection.”
DEAR EDITOR, Is Milfred Roth really a terrorist? It's just so hard to believe... I've been a fan for yearstretches. I've even got autographed pink slips under my pillow! Last yearstretch he came to V sector and set up a mobile boardroom in the Bernard B. Kerik Plaza near Barracks Seven, and I got to see him chew out a table full of vice-presidents. One of them even cried! It was awesome! Dazed and confused, Sally Richards V-13 sector.
DEAR SALLY, the Bunker is a utopia. Everything already works perfectly the way it is. Thanks for taking the time to write to us.
PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT: As you very well know, all citizens are required by the Guidelines on Daily Living to deposit recyclable materials into the bins and chutes provided throughout the Bunker for your convenience. It is, however, important to remember that not every object is a candidate for reclamation. Used sanitary tissue in particular cannot be salvaged and should therefore be properly disposed of in the clearly marked containers found in your cleaning station. Throwing used sanitary issue into recycling chutes is not only unhygienic but needlessly subjects your fellow citizens to unhealthy pathogens. Remember: “If it's got shit on it, there's nothing more we can do with it.” Thank you for your cooperation.
That's all the time we have for today, folks. On behalf of the staff here at Today's Edition, it was a pleasure to serve you. Until next weekstretch!
---------------------
Interested readers can find out more about the Bunker in my sci-fi adventure novels, Thank You For Your Cooperation and Your Call Is Important To Us.
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