Q: Why did you start writing?

A: Why not?

Q: How many years do you have to write before you can quit your day job?

A: 42.

Q: Who’s your agent?

A: Huh?

Q: Who’s your publicist?

A: Huh?

Q: Who’s your editor?

A: Huh?

Q: How long does it take to write a book?

A: That depends on how good you make it.

Q: What’s the hardest thing about catching an editor’s eye?

A: Getting someone to throw it to you.

Q: How can I stop people from stealing my ideas?

A: Don’t worry, nobody wants them. Ideas are the easy part. You can do that in a day. Writing takes months. Maybe years. There are no new ideas.

Q: What do you call an author without a girlfriend?

A: Homeless.

Q: Where do you get your ideas from?

A: I steal them. Got a book for me to edit?

Q: What’s the difference between a PhD in English and a large pizza?

A: The pizza can feed a family of four.

Q: How much do you have to pay to get published?

A: Please, please, please don’t pay to get published. Readers pay publishers and publishers pay authors. Don’t believe anyone who tells you different.

Q: What’s the difference between an editor and God?

A: God doesn’t think he’s an editor.

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