Today's Edition
Greetings, citizens. My name is – well, that's not really important right now. What is important is that you're tuned in to the latest dispatch from Today's Edition!
ANARCHY ERUPTS IN P SECTOR! The Puppet Parade in P sector descended into pandemonium several daystretches ago when a tankbot disguised as P sector's friendly mascot barged in on a tea-tasting and started firing its cannon indiscriminately. The gathering was taking place at Gary's Diner, an exclusive restaurant in P-6 sector restricted to Epsilon clearance and above. Interestingly, after the tankbot followed the panicked crowd into the corridors outside, it continued to strictly target citizens with a security clearance, leaving the vast majority of passers-by unharmed. The traitorous cybot was eventually cornered by guardians from Defence and destroyed in a hailstorm of laserfire and boiling oil. Large swaths of P-6 sector were left a smoldering ruin. Fortunately, building crews are working hard, and Housing and Construction assures us that everything will be back to normal by tomorrow.
BALLISTIC WARHEADS SLAM INTO RETURNING TRANSPORTS! The Bunker suffered a heavy blow five daystretches ago when a transport laden with valuable metals and chemical compounds necessary to the smooth operation of our bustling economy was destroyed. Ballistic missiles stored on defensive satellites in position around the planet were triggered by treasonous elements just as the transport was about to dock. Several miners who had completed their twenty yearstretch stints were also on board. Hillary Binzer and Marsha Wong, both of H-11 sector, are the prime suspects.
And now a word from our sponsors!
Want to amaze your friends and family with a fresh and entertaining new spectacle? Then look no further! The Laramie Laser Torch will earn you the oo's and ah's you've been looking for! Simply program the Laramie Laser Torch via the handy touchpad on the underside, place the compact body on the ground, and press Go! The Laramie Laser Torch will spring into the air and put on a dazzling light show. Over fifty separate lasers are active at any one time! The Laramie Laser Torch is not equipped with spatial sensors, so be sure to activate it in open spaces. The Uptown Toy Corporation cannot be held responsible for eye damage incurred by the Laramie Laser Torch. Rumors that the Laramie Laser Torch spontaneously explodes are categorically false. The Laramie Laser Torch brightens everybody's daystretch! Available at a toy store nearest you.
AND NOW AN UPDATE ON THAT INFAMOUS ARCHITECT OF CHAOS AND LICENTIOUSNESS, MILFRED ROTH! Delta clearance citizen Milfred Roth has admitted to running a blackmailing ring spanning almost the entirety of the Bunker. Through it, he directed his agents, Marsha Wong and Hillary Binzer, to plant incriminating evidence on loyal citizens with a lower security clearance. When the false evidence was later “discovered” by his associates, citizen Milfred proceeded to extract money from his victims. As this amounted to illegal plunder, he forced them to deposit large sums of credits on microchips, which he subsequently spent on the black market. Fellow citizens, his is a shameful but not entirely unexpected admission. Stayed tuned to next weekstretch's dispatch for more sordid details on Milfred Roth's depraved and bankrupt lifestyle.
THUG STABS TEN IN CINEMA! Citizen Nielson Grendle was shot dead earlier today in the Resonance Cinemas D-10 sector after having stabbed ten innocent people – including ten Wards of the State – with a rusty set of nail clippers. Citizen Nielson was employed as a medication tester with Healthy Pharmaceuticals, Psychoactive Chemistry, a division of Developmental Engineering. Responsible for trying out new but clinically safe medications that have just come down the production pipeline, no motive for his sudden and violent outburst has yet been ascertained. Nielson Grendle was a mere nineteen yearstretches old. In fact, the average lifespan of medication testers throughout the Bunker is the same, an odd coincidence indeed. There were no survivors.
DEAR EDITOR, A few weekstretches ago I got jumped on my way home from having a few drinks with the boys over at the Lowly Yeoman's Tavern X-10 sector. They serve piss for beer, I know, but it's just around the corner from our factory. Anyway, when I woke up, I discovered my Card was gone, and I'd been arrested for brawling. The guards wanted money, of course. After I finally got out of the slammer, I went straight down to Human Resources. Thing is, they won't be able to issue me a new Card until next weekstretch! How am I supposed to get paid? How am I going to eat? Meanwhile, they can't cancel the old one until the new one arrives, and some bloke I don't know is parading around charging expensive memberships to exercise spas and fancy Dagon watches to my name! I'd love to pound the cancerhead to bits. Any clue how I can track him down? Vernod Shillings X-14 sector, The Iron Fist.
DEAR VERNOD, the Bunker is a utopia. Everything already works perfectly the way it is. Thanks for taking the time to write to us.
That's all the time we have for today, folks. On behalf of the staff here at Today's Edition, it was a pleasure to serve you. Until next weekstretch!
---------------------
Interested readers can find out more about the Bunker in my sci-fi adventure novels, Thank You For Your Cooperation and Your Call Is Important To Us.
ANARCHY ERUPTS IN P SECTOR! The Puppet Parade in P sector descended into pandemonium several daystretches ago when a tankbot disguised as P sector's friendly mascot barged in on a tea-tasting and started firing its cannon indiscriminately. The gathering was taking place at Gary's Diner, an exclusive restaurant in P-6 sector restricted to Epsilon clearance and above. Interestingly, after the tankbot followed the panicked crowd into the corridors outside, it continued to strictly target citizens with a security clearance, leaving the vast majority of passers-by unharmed. The traitorous cybot was eventually cornered by guardians from Defence and destroyed in a hailstorm of laserfire and boiling oil. Large swaths of P-6 sector were left a smoldering ruin. Fortunately, building crews are working hard, and Housing and Construction assures us that everything will be back to normal by tomorrow.
BALLISTIC WARHEADS SLAM INTO RETURNING TRANSPORTS! The Bunker suffered a heavy blow five daystretches ago when a transport laden with valuable metals and chemical compounds necessary to the smooth operation of our bustling economy was destroyed. Ballistic missiles stored on defensive satellites in position around the planet were triggered by treasonous elements just as the transport was about to dock. Several miners who had completed their twenty yearstretch stints were also on board. Hillary Binzer and Marsha Wong, both of H-11 sector, are the prime suspects.
And now a word from our sponsors!
Want to amaze your friends and family with a fresh and entertaining new spectacle? Then look no further! The Laramie Laser Torch will earn you the oo's and ah's you've been looking for! Simply program the Laramie Laser Torch via the handy touchpad on the underside, place the compact body on the ground, and press Go! The Laramie Laser Torch will spring into the air and put on a dazzling light show. Over fifty separate lasers are active at any one time! The Laramie Laser Torch is not equipped with spatial sensors, so be sure to activate it in open spaces. The Uptown Toy Corporation cannot be held responsible for eye damage incurred by the Laramie Laser Torch. Rumors that the Laramie Laser Torch spontaneously explodes are categorically false. The Laramie Laser Torch brightens everybody's daystretch! Available at a toy store nearest you.
AND NOW AN UPDATE ON THAT INFAMOUS ARCHITECT OF CHAOS AND LICENTIOUSNESS, MILFRED ROTH! Delta clearance citizen Milfred Roth has admitted to running a blackmailing ring spanning almost the entirety of the Bunker. Through it, he directed his agents, Marsha Wong and Hillary Binzer, to plant incriminating evidence on loyal citizens with a lower security clearance. When the false evidence was later “discovered” by his associates, citizen Milfred proceeded to extract money from his victims. As this amounted to illegal plunder, he forced them to deposit large sums of credits on microchips, which he subsequently spent on the black market. Fellow citizens, his is a shameful but not entirely unexpected admission. Stayed tuned to next weekstretch's dispatch for more sordid details on Milfred Roth's depraved and bankrupt lifestyle.
THUG STABS TEN IN CINEMA! Citizen Nielson Grendle was shot dead earlier today in the Resonance Cinemas D-10 sector after having stabbed ten innocent people – including ten Wards of the State – with a rusty set of nail clippers. Citizen Nielson was employed as a medication tester with Healthy Pharmaceuticals, Psychoactive Chemistry, a division of Developmental Engineering. Responsible for trying out new but clinically safe medications that have just come down the production pipeline, no motive for his sudden and violent outburst has yet been ascertained. Nielson Grendle was a mere nineteen yearstretches old. In fact, the average lifespan of medication testers throughout the Bunker is the same, an odd coincidence indeed. There were no survivors.
DEAR EDITOR, A few weekstretches ago I got jumped on my way home from having a few drinks with the boys over at the Lowly Yeoman's Tavern X-10 sector. They serve piss for beer, I know, but it's just around the corner from our factory. Anyway, when I woke up, I discovered my Card was gone, and I'd been arrested for brawling. The guards wanted money, of course. After I finally got out of the slammer, I went straight down to Human Resources. Thing is, they won't be able to issue me a new Card until next weekstretch! How am I supposed to get paid? How am I going to eat? Meanwhile, they can't cancel the old one until the new one arrives, and some bloke I don't know is parading around charging expensive memberships to exercise spas and fancy Dagon watches to my name! I'd love to pound the cancerhead to bits. Any clue how I can track him down? Vernod Shillings X-14 sector, The Iron Fist.
DEAR VERNOD, the Bunker is a utopia. Everything already works perfectly the way it is. Thanks for taking the time to write to us.
That's all the time we have for today, folks. On behalf of the staff here at Today's Edition, it was a pleasure to serve you. Until next weekstretch!
---------------------
Interested readers can find out more about the Bunker in my sci-fi adventure novels, Thank You For Your Cooperation and Your Call Is Important To Us.
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