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To Succeed, we must step into the unknown

As a writer, and now a recently self-published author, I’m on social media a lot. I have been for a long time, but since I just put my first book out there a few days ago, I’ve had to interact on it a lot more lately. Social media is a good way to build a platform—that is to gain an audience and connect with potential readers. But for me, there’s a catch.

For those who are shy, it’s a struggle to interact with others every day. For some, even with those they know, it’s difficult to know what to say or hold up a conversation. But due to my mobility issues, I’m a recluse, so since most people know me only online, I don’t think they know I am not just shy. I’m painfully, morbidly, crushingly shy.

The trouble with this kind of shyness is, attending any kind of social event, even online, it’s nothing short of frightening. And many of us have goals and dreams that require some form of interaction with people we don’t know. Shyness at this level can be devastating for us. So how do you deal with it when what you want requires doing something way, way outside your comfort zone?

When I used to be able to go out whenever I wanted, the idea of walking up to someone I didn’t know and striking up a conversation filled me with paralyzing fear. I was ok if I had to ask them an important question, like what time it was, or ask for directions. It was fine because it was specific, and BREIF.

In addition, when I worked in phone sales, because it was a job and I was following a script, I could interact with customers just fine. If my livelihood or survival, or the safety of others depends on my interacting with someone I’ve never met, I have no problem.  But if not, I freeze.

I know so many people who are as shy, and I so get them. I struggle to start conversations, and when I try, they dissolve into listening to each other swallow. I constantly think I’ll say something stupid, and I usually do. I try to be funny, and I get blank stares. I go to a party and the whole time I sit there in the back and hope no one notices me.

When I was younger, it was worse. Way worse. Back then, I couldn’t go into a restaurant and order something without shaking.

Social functions make me terribly nervous, but if I end up in one where I am in charge? Where I have to keep things going and get people talking? The very idea makes me want to crawl into a deep dark hole where no one can find me. I suffer from severe Generalized Anxiety Disorder, which means, among other things, I can’t function for hours or even days before an event because I get so anxious.

Which is why something I did this week shocked the hell out of me. I went to, not just a party, but an author takeover. Where I was the HOST.

Well, sort of.

For those who don’t know, an author takeover is an online event where an author “takes over” a blog, facebook page or other social platform, and hosts a party for a set amount of time. It’s usually in honor of a book release, or some other authorial milestone. During their particular time slot, which can be anywhere between a half hour to an all day affair, the featured author gets readers interacting and talking about things related to their book. Some run giveaways, where you win free books or swag. Others post teasers to entice people to buy their book, and some post interesting questions the participants get to answer, such as a favorite movie.

Teaser.

The party I took over for was run by my friend Maci Dillon, to host author Kathleen Kelly’s 3000K likes celebration. The half hour slot for me was because my erotic short, Doing Wright, is releasing soon (Sept 1, 2015). I was excited to participate. I had my first book coming out. I was a published author now, and I’d get to tell people about my beautiful, sexy, hot baby. But I also had a problem.

I HAD to tell people, a lot of people, whom I didn’t know, about my book, and ME. I had actually get people to interact. This big, ugly, bright scary spot light was going to be all on me, for a whole half an hour.

Fuck. Me. Maybe when I became a published author, I hadn’t thought this through.

Well, I didn’t bomb. It actually went well. I had 8 posts I managed to get up within the allotted time. People actually commented, and seemed genuinely interested. Which was good, because I was half afraid no one would show up.

The other ladies in the takeover insisted I did great. It didn’t feel great. I could barely breathe. I kept expecting to realize I’d posted the wrong thing, or was too slow, or my computer would crash. And I was shaking. The whole time.

I was talking to hubby about the party later, and I told him that after going through this party, I now had a whole new respect for performance artists.

People who sing or dance in front of a massive audience, sometimes many nights in a row under glaring hot lights, they do this for a living. This was a single, half hour event, and it was only online where no one would see me or hear my voice. And yet I felt like I was going to die a slow death. My heart was in my throat.

As an added bonus, there was a horrific moment where things could have gone really wrong. At the start, right as Maci cues me to go on, I go to the page so I can post. I scroll down passed a pinned post so I can put something up and…

The posting box isn’t there. The next post was right under the pinned one, with nowhere for me to put mine!

*Cue panic attack.*

In reality, I was probably there, I just didn’t see it. I was so panicked and scared, I might have had trouble taking things in. But in that moment, it didn’t matter. I’m on in 20 seconds. An author was scheduled to go on right after me, so I thought if I was late, it would send the whole thing crumbling. Rationally, I know it wouldn’t have, but that’s how Generalized Anxiety works. The 20 seconds are ticking away, Maci’s messaging me, asking if I’m ok, and I keep thinking, OMG, no! I am a million miles from OK! Where the hell is the box! HELP!!!

Whatever went wrong, after I scrolled up and down a few times, the box was there. I managed to post and the party rolled onward without incident. The half hour ended and I survived, my sanity in tact. It took six hours for my adrenaline levels to go back to normal, and for me to think or take anything in like a normal person again, but I was ok.

I’ve realized something about myself since the takeover. I’m not only shy, and a fraidy cat when it comes to social functions. I’m also an introvert. This is not the same as being shy. Introverts are drained by interaction with others, where extraverts get energized and thrive off contact. I always knew I was an introvert on some level, because I always feel better when I’m alone. But only after the party did I realize how DRAINED I was by the whole thing. My brain wouldn’t function for hours after, and I felt like I could sleep for days. I was WHIPPED.

For many of us, an event like the takeover I was at would be a challenge. But in any chosen field, when we stay comfortable, we are rarely successful. When we stay where we are safe, we stagnate. If we never try anything new, we stand still, never reaching for our next goal. It’s only when we push ourselves a little harder, when we step beyond what is easy and safe that we achieve what we most want. Outside the comfort zone is where the magic happens. Outside the familiar is where we learn and GROW.

I went to this takeover because I knew it would give me exposure, connect me with potential readers, and network me with other authors, all of which would get mine and my book’s name out there, and thus help sales. But, I also attended because I knew it would help me grow as an author.

I know not everyone is going to have to attend a release party for a book. But all of us who struggle with shyness or who work better when left in solitude find it difficult to push ourselves to do anything public. If we let those attributes rule our lives, we miss opportunities for success. We watch our dreams remain unfulfilled.

If you want to succeed, and that success means doing something difficult, as long as it’s not harmful, illegal, or otherwise idiotic, don’t let your fears and anxieties hold you back. Prepare and practice, get to know your craft. Then jump in. Follow your dreams. Push yourself beyond what is comfortable. Take the leap. You can do it.

When the time comes for the big event, and the spot light is on you, just breathe. You’ll get through it. It’ll be hard as hell, and you’ll feel like you’re jumping out of your skin. But you aren’t. And after it’s over—and it will end—the world will be as it was.

The dream is always beyond the easy place, the place where we are safe. Go for it. And know that you will be okay.

What about you? Are you shy, or introverted, or both? Do you struggle with showing yourself to others? Do you push past it? What are your dreams, and how do you achieve them in spite of setbacks?

R.D.