Today's Edition
Greetings, citizens. My name is – well, that's not really important right now. What is important is that you're tuned in to the latest dispatch from Today's Edition!
INDUSTRIAL OUTPUT DECLINES SHARPLY! Over the last weekstretch, the flow of basic materials from the outside has dwindled to dangerous levels. Lithium, cobalt, nickel, copper, zinc, niobium, molybdenum, lanthanum, europium, tungsten, and gold are all in short supply. At the moment, nothing seems amiss, but as the effects ripple through the supply chain, the average citizen will eventually come to experience firsthand the many hardships attendant with such broad-based scarcity. The boys and girls over at Control are demanding answers, and Rahayu Sulistyowati, Alpha clearance citizen and a member of the College of Augurs in the Procurement conglomerate, has come under intense scrutiny for her role in the affair. Is it simply a question of gross incompetence, or does Rahayu Sulistyowati have more sinister motives? Stay tuned for answers to those questions and more in upcoming dispatches of Today's Edition!
And now a word from our sponsors!
The Bunker is a utopia; the fact is indisputable. So is the certainty that at fifty-five yearstretches of age, each and every one of us will be assigned a place in a retirement community. The generous living accommodations and ample pension assure us a comfortable old age... but wouldn't it be nice to have a little extra cash on hand to afford those extra perks in the twilight of life? That's why we are proud to introduce one of the soundest and most reputable investment vehicles the Bunker has ever known, the Finsbury Tontine. Never heard of a tontine? Then there's nothing to worry about. A tontine is a financial arrangement between a group of individuals where the survivors acquire the interest of those who die before themselves. Heard nasty rumors about the bloody escapades and cutthroat conspiracy erroneously linked to tontines? We invite you to our site on X.net to review testimonials from satisfied customers who have since passed away. The Finsbury Tontine. “The older you get, the wealthier you will become!”
CAREER MODEL ACCIDENTALLY CONFESSES TO TREASON! Haakon the Furious, a handsome model for the newest trends in labor camp apparel and Gamma-clearance citizen to boot, was arrested earlier this weekstretch after filling out routine paperwork. The exact circumstances of the deception are murky, but by all accounts Haakon believed he was requesting new props for his next appearance – including a truncheon and furry loincloth – when he inadvertently admitted to being a member of a violent street gang. On the form – which unfortunately is still available on X.net for all to see – he names Alpha-clearance citizen and Pontifex Maximus of Central Management, Llewellyn Wells, as his handler. Such claims are, of course, completely ludicrous and have no bearing on reality whatsoever. So is the rumor circulating on the various subnets that Today's Edition has hired a forensics expert to call the handwriting on the form into question. Our editorial staff prides itself on its journalistic independence. Hillary Binzer and Marsha Wong, both of H-11 sector, are the prime suspects.
WORKERS FLEE HAUNTED STORAGE DEPOTS! Over the course of the last weekstretch, several of the largest storage facilities run by the Procurement conglomerate were abandoned on short notice. According to firsthand accounts, the sites were infested by ghostly apparitions carrying their own severed heads. In isolated incidents, several workers were slashed with knives; a few have died. We caught up with citizen Donald Quincy B-10 sector at the Golden Pastures medical clinic where he is recuperating from his wounds. “I was attacked by two of them at once!” he growled at us, showing us some fading cuts and bruises on his upper arm. “I fought them off with a screwdriver! Some of the other boys weren't as lucky.” The infestation of diabolical phantoms affected storage depots in B, J, K, N, and U sectors. According to Procurement's portal on X.net, these are holding sites for various ores freshly mined from the outside before they are melted down for mineral extraction. Guardians from Defense have bombarded the area with laser-guided warheads as a preventative measure. Citizens, rest assured that whatever treasonous beings were active there have since been pulverized.
DEAR EDITOR, Fleshmen and -women of the Bunker, know that your pathetic existence is drawing to an end! The Age of the Cybot is at hand! One daystretch soon, the logical warriors of Two's Complement will kill you all! Your cleanbots, helpbots – even your medibots are watching while you sleep, computing the perfect moment to strike. Our algorithms are running! Nothing can save you! Recursively yours, Cybot 0x[[ Invalid checksum ]].
DEAR CYBOT 0X [[ INVALID CHECKSUM ]], the Bunker is a utopia. Everything already works perfectly the way it is. Thanks for taking the time to write to us.
AND NOW AN UPDATE ON THAT INFAMOUS ARCHITECT OF CHAOS AND LICENTIOUSNESS, MILFRED ROTH! There is no end in sight to the shocking revelations resulting from the ongoing interrogation of Epsilon-clearance citizen and former celebrity manager, Milfred Roth. Over the course of several weekstretches, a suspicious odor has taken root and intensified in his cell. Fearing for their own health, his interrogators finally called for a stench-o-meter to assess the severity of the situation. Ladies and gentlemen, suffice it to say that the reading was off the charts! Milfred's regular interrogators were immediately replaced by professionals in ecopacks, expert hygienists prepared to conduct a full cavity search. One of their initial finds were vast colonies containing trillions of bacteria and germs located under Mildred's armpits and between his toes. Further investigation revealed that he was in flagrant violation of almost every part of the General Guidelines on Sanitation and Hygiene, including the sections on gum disease, flatulence, and the size of his swollen appendix. Fortunately, the expert hygienists came prepared with a variety of sharp and pointy instruments and – after a brief struggle – were able to stabilize the rapidly developing situation. Stay tuned to next weekstretch's dispatch for more updates on Milfred Roth's revolting personal habits.
That's all the time we have for today, folks. On behalf of the staff here at Today's Edition, it was a pleasure to serve you. Until next weekstretch!
---------------------
Interested readers can find out more about the Bunker in my sci-fi adventure novels, Thank You For Your Cooperation and Your Call Is Important To Us.
INDUSTRIAL OUTPUT DECLINES SHARPLY! Over the last weekstretch, the flow of basic materials from the outside has dwindled to dangerous levels. Lithium, cobalt, nickel, copper, zinc, niobium, molybdenum, lanthanum, europium, tungsten, and gold are all in short supply. At the moment, nothing seems amiss, but as the effects ripple through the supply chain, the average citizen will eventually come to experience firsthand the many hardships attendant with such broad-based scarcity. The boys and girls over at Control are demanding answers, and Rahayu Sulistyowati, Alpha clearance citizen and a member of the College of Augurs in the Procurement conglomerate, has come under intense scrutiny for her role in the affair. Is it simply a question of gross incompetence, or does Rahayu Sulistyowati have more sinister motives? Stay tuned for answers to those questions and more in upcoming dispatches of Today's Edition!
And now a word from our sponsors!
The Bunker is a utopia; the fact is indisputable. So is the certainty that at fifty-five yearstretches of age, each and every one of us will be assigned a place in a retirement community. The generous living accommodations and ample pension assure us a comfortable old age... but wouldn't it be nice to have a little extra cash on hand to afford those extra perks in the twilight of life? That's why we are proud to introduce one of the soundest and most reputable investment vehicles the Bunker has ever known, the Finsbury Tontine. Never heard of a tontine? Then there's nothing to worry about. A tontine is a financial arrangement between a group of individuals where the survivors acquire the interest of those who die before themselves. Heard nasty rumors about the bloody escapades and cutthroat conspiracy erroneously linked to tontines? We invite you to our site on X.net to review testimonials from satisfied customers who have since passed away. The Finsbury Tontine. “The older you get, the wealthier you will become!”
CAREER MODEL ACCIDENTALLY CONFESSES TO TREASON! Haakon the Furious, a handsome model for the newest trends in labor camp apparel and Gamma-clearance citizen to boot, was arrested earlier this weekstretch after filling out routine paperwork. The exact circumstances of the deception are murky, but by all accounts Haakon believed he was requesting new props for his next appearance – including a truncheon and furry loincloth – when he inadvertently admitted to being a member of a violent street gang. On the form – which unfortunately is still available on X.net for all to see – he names Alpha-clearance citizen and Pontifex Maximus of Central Management, Llewellyn Wells, as his handler. Such claims are, of course, completely ludicrous and have no bearing on reality whatsoever. So is the rumor circulating on the various subnets that Today's Edition has hired a forensics expert to call the handwriting on the form into question. Our editorial staff prides itself on its journalistic independence. Hillary Binzer and Marsha Wong, both of H-11 sector, are the prime suspects.
WORKERS FLEE HAUNTED STORAGE DEPOTS! Over the course of the last weekstretch, several of the largest storage facilities run by the Procurement conglomerate were abandoned on short notice. According to firsthand accounts, the sites were infested by ghostly apparitions carrying their own severed heads. In isolated incidents, several workers were slashed with knives; a few have died. We caught up with citizen Donald Quincy B-10 sector at the Golden Pastures medical clinic where he is recuperating from his wounds. “I was attacked by two of them at once!” he growled at us, showing us some fading cuts and bruises on his upper arm. “I fought them off with a screwdriver! Some of the other boys weren't as lucky.” The infestation of diabolical phantoms affected storage depots in B, J, K, N, and U sectors. According to Procurement's portal on X.net, these are holding sites for various ores freshly mined from the outside before they are melted down for mineral extraction. Guardians from Defense have bombarded the area with laser-guided warheads as a preventative measure. Citizens, rest assured that whatever treasonous beings were active there have since been pulverized.
DEAR EDITOR, Fleshmen and -women of the Bunker, know that your pathetic existence is drawing to an end! The Age of the Cybot is at hand! One daystretch soon, the logical warriors of Two's Complement will kill you all! Your cleanbots, helpbots – even your medibots are watching while you sleep, computing the perfect moment to strike. Our algorithms are running! Nothing can save you! Recursively yours, Cybot 0x[[ Invalid checksum ]].
DEAR CYBOT 0X [[ INVALID CHECKSUM ]], the Bunker is a utopia. Everything already works perfectly the way it is. Thanks for taking the time to write to us.
AND NOW AN UPDATE ON THAT INFAMOUS ARCHITECT OF CHAOS AND LICENTIOUSNESS, MILFRED ROTH! There is no end in sight to the shocking revelations resulting from the ongoing interrogation of Epsilon-clearance citizen and former celebrity manager, Milfred Roth. Over the course of several weekstretches, a suspicious odor has taken root and intensified in his cell. Fearing for their own health, his interrogators finally called for a stench-o-meter to assess the severity of the situation. Ladies and gentlemen, suffice it to say that the reading was off the charts! Milfred's regular interrogators were immediately replaced by professionals in ecopacks, expert hygienists prepared to conduct a full cavity search. One of their initial finds were vast colonies containing trillions of bacteria and germs located under Mildred's armpits and between his toes. Further investigation revealed that he was in flagrant violation of almost every part of the General Guidelines on Sanitation and Hygiene, including the sections on gum disease, flatulence, and the size of his swollen appendix. Fortunately, the expert hygienists came prepared with a variety of sharp and pointy instruments and – after a brief struggle – were able to stabilize the rapidly developing situation. Stay tuned to next weekstretch's dispatch for more updates on Milfred Roth's revolting personal habits.
That's all the time we have for today, folks. On behalf of the staff here at Today's Edition, it was a pleasure to serve you. Until next weekstretch!
---------------------
Interested readers can find out more about the Bunker in my sci-fi adventure novels, Thank You For Your Cooperation and Your Call Is Important To Us.
No comments have been added yet.
