Greetings, citizens. My name is Jareldine Crummox, and I am a traitor. There is no excuse for my heinous crimes, nor can any repentance ever undo the harm I have caused the Bunker, my benefactor and employer – that most loyal of citizens, Llewellyn Wells – and the public at large. It is my last wish to offer this apology to you, the readers of Today's Edition, knowing full well that the foul epithet of “Traitor” can never be expunged from the memory of my life, which will hopefully be short and far more tractable than its waking counterpart. I would ask for forgiveness, but the loyal citizen should never forgive me. I merely seek to set your mind at ease, that you may know the foul aspirations and virulent passions which animate this vengeful spirit will shortly cease to trouble you, your loved ones, or your neighbors. So help me – well, you know what I mean.

These, then, are my crimes: I am a member of the Underground, having enlisted in the God and Freedom Church; I maligned the good name of that most excellent paragon of virtue and trust, Alpha-clearance citizen Rahayu Sulistyowati; I knowingly sent the entire Board of Directors of Today's Edition to their deaths at a hotly contested hearing held in one of Human Resources' licensing offices; I participated in a failed plot to indiscriminately distribute a large cache of stolen laser pistols and grenades to whomever wished to have them; I intentionally mislabelled a stack of 'Application for Voluntary Organ Donation (Addendum): Request to Expedite' form 0x0F991AA0 as 'Request to Reschedule Naptime (Addendum): Snoring and Sleep Apnea' with unfortunate consequences for many of the citizens in G and H sectors; I have repeatedly and abruptly changed lanes in the transtube while operating a movepod without using my blinker; I publicly disparaged a new vidshow, The Bunker's Got Talent, without first having seen it and before it had a chance to shine; and I have – on a regular basis – referred to the delicious and nutritious Vitamim served up daily in commissaries across the Bunker as “slop”.

I abused the trust Control has placed in me as a Beta-clearance citizen, and I used my influence as the personal assistant to Llewellyn Wells to further my evil agenda. Citizens, you should not follow my woeful example. My parents – were they alive today – would surely be ashamed of me and wish they never had me. I am a slave to my physical and psychological lusts, and there is no regimen of medication or physical punishment that could ever slake my thirst for the diabolical.

Today's Edition, which I ran on behalf of Llewellyn Wells, has been permanently stained by my treachery and is therefore officially closed. No more dispatches are forthcoming. From this stretch on, discussion or even demonstrating knowledge of Today's Edition's activities or its very existence will invariably associate yourself with my own disgraceful fate. Citizens, I implore you: go back to your peaceful, happy lives, unperturbed by the maniacal delusions of a treasonous degenerate such as myself. Never come this way again.

A list of my accomplices follows. If your name appears in the list below, please report immediately to your neighborhood Homeland Security substation. Thank you for your cooperation.

No citizens or cybots were harmed in the recording of this confession.

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Interested readers can find out more about the Bunker in my sci-fi adventure novels, Thank You For Your Cooperation and Your Call Is Important To Us.