Dear eema,

Today is July 15th. The one month mark. I know I said that I would stop counting but apparently I changed my mind. 

Marking time as it passes feels significant. An entire month of living continued on for me and for everyone else who knew and loved you. We kept on keeping on because that's what the living do. Although sometimes that simple, obvious fact feels strange. 
Or at the very least, different. 

Marking time helps me feel solid. Like, here I am, in the world, getting by, and as proof I have this thing called time that continues moving forward. So, if I just follow it, go with it, then I'll be okay. 

I read in one of the books Kristine gave me, Healing After Loss: Daily Meditations for Working Through Grief by Martha Whitmore Hickman (which I highly recommend if anyone should find themselves on the grief boat.)  that this "marking time" business is common. 


Grievers sometimes take a mental note after doing an everyday thing for the first time after losing someone close to them. I've been doing just that. Saying out loud to Peter, this is first time I'm driving, first time I'm going to a movie, first time I'm going to a party. The first times have now graduated to second and thirds and the marking of time has lessened. The missing you part, however, that part has grown. 



Because, if you think about it, I've never went this long, in my entire life, without speaking to you. Ever. So, to put it practically, this has been... an adjustment. I also feel a, my-mom-is-gone loneliness, that i've never felt before. But it's not all-encompassing. Not the way I always feared it would be. There's a sadness but there's also a quiet calmness. I'm no longer worried about you. A mountain of concern and worry has left my life and that's not altogether a bad thing. The pain and restlessness that came to you with your aging was making you miserable and I didn't know how to fix it and neither did you. Maybe that's why you always had me fixing things at the house. The TV, the cable, the phone, the air filters, the clocks... something always needed fixing. 
Maybe the fixing was never about those things at all. 
Whoa. 


In this little snippet of a video I took, before things began to slip away from you, you said these two lines that sums you up and makes me so very happy. This is what I will choose to remember and hold onto for the rest of my life. 
* 

I love you, eemailah. (Please visit.)
xo,annie*(but i enjoyed it. my life was very interesting.)
:)