The day Bhaiya asked me about Nirmal and his where about. I was ashamed. What should I tell him? I tried making a story, I think he understood what’s going on. He enquired no further just told me “didi ghar ke paas baith ke intazaar mat kiya kijiye. Neechey hi baitha kijiye aur jab main aa jaun tab upar aaya kijiye.” I knew what he meant and what he was trying to tell me. I was filled with shame.

I was working in this household for almost 3 years and they knew everything about me. They were like a family to me, I not only called them Bhaiya and Bhabhi but I even treated them as one. I never thought I would face a situation like this, when someone whom I treat like a brother would have to make such statement to me. I felt ashamed and preferred to remain silent.

I had a strange feeling I was ashamed that Bhaiya saw me with Nirmal and made a comment; but I was surprised I had no hint of guilt.

And why should I feel guilty? This was bound to happen. It’s been four years my husband left me here and went back to the village. The sorrow of loneliness kills sometimes. That too when you can’t see any light at the end of the tunnel. I was going through a bad phase when Nirmal came into my life. He brought peace and joy to me. With him I felt like I am alive again. He was the reason for me coming out of my darkness. Yes I fell for him, I met him when I was weak and in him I found that strength to fight back. I know what I am doing is wrong. Society calls it a sin but where was the society when my husband walked out of my life. Why should I bother about the society today when the society didn’t care for me back then?

But why is that even when I feel I am not doing anything wrong I am ashamed? If this is not guilt then what is it? Nirmal has given me my happiness back but why is it that I feel ashamed with it. Why can’t I just move on in my life? Why am I still stuck to the old cord, a cord that got broken four years back? Why I still can’t move on and lead a life which is full of happiness. It’s because we live in a society which would never help you when you are alone and full of misery. But will always raise eyebrows if you are trying to make choices and move on….