In this article, we will explore the world of stress and communication. We will look at various sources of stress and the impact that stress can have on our ability to communicate effectively. We will also explore possible strategies for improving our communication skills during stressful times.

Sources of Stress

We have all experienced difficult and stressful times in our lives. Sometimes the stress is the result of regular day-to-day occurrences. Perhaps work is busier than usual – a client is unhappy with a job you did, or your boss is being critical of your job performance. Maybe you are running late or feel that you just cannot accomplish everything you need to accomplish in the course of a day. Perhaps you take on more than you can chew and feel as if someone is always asking you for more. Sometimes the stress is linked to interpersonal problems – people at work are being rude to you, or your sibling is sticking his or her nose where it doesn’t belong. I could spend pages and pages simply writing out a list of all of the sources of daily life stress.

Sometimes stress is related to an acute situation. Perhaps there has been a death in the family, or you have just learned that you or someone close to you is gravely ill. Perhaps a natural disaster has destroyed your home. Maybe you just found out that your family pet needs an expensive operation. Again, I could fill pages and pages of examples of acute stressors you may experience throughout your life.

Stress and Communication

What happens when our stress levels rise? Our ability to handle conflict is diminished. Like the burning fuse on a stick of dynamite, we grow closer and closer to explosion. How does this impact our relationships? The old saying is true, “You take it out on those closest to you.” Those closest to you may be the people you love the most or the people who are closest in physical proximity. Oftentimes, those are the same people. The people with whom you have the closest emotional bonds are usually the people with whom you find yourself spending the most time.

What happens to these people when we are stressed? We snap at them. We dump on them. We jump all over them. We over-interpret their comments and questions. We take everything we know and love them and throw it out the window. We turn them into the enemy. Angry about our current situation, we feel the need to lash out – to rid our systems of the anxiety and negative feelings. Or, we shut them out completely. In an attempt to bottle our own negative emotions and appear strong in the face of adversity, we close ourselves off from all emotion. Instead of communicating poorly, we stop communicating altogether – driving a different type of wedge between ourselves and our loved ones.

Communicating Effectively During Stressful Times

Communicating effectively at any time requires that you put in effort. It is up to you to actively engage in any conversation as both a speaker and a listener. Communicating effects during stressful times requires even more effort on your part.

Remember Who You Are Communicating With

This blog centres mostly on communication with partners, children, other relatives and friends. Assuming that these are the types of people with whom you are communicating, I will also assume that, underneath it all, you have affection for these people. Unfortunately, when we are stressed, we tend to forget who we are communicating with. We tend to forget all of the things we like or love about that person. We see them as some sort of an enemy. We may have differences with them which spur this along. However, most of the time we are simply looking for someone or something to be angry with and some way to express that anger.

It is important, when you are stressed, that you remind yourself that the person with whom you are speaking is not the cause of your stress. If this person is your partner and this stress is related to family members or finances, there is a good chance that he or she is also experiencing stress and all of its negative effects. Try to understand where he or she is coming from, and work from a place of mutual understanding.

Create a Space of Understanding

It is important to have a space which is safe for communication. This can be a physical space or an emotional space. As a physical space, you may make specific room in your home where you have agreed only calm and understanding conversations will take place. When your partner, child, or other significant person asks you to speak with them in that room (or vice versa) you know that it is time to enter a place of calm and understanding.

Maybe your safe communication space will not be a physical space at all. Perhaps it is an emotional space. To create a safe emotional space, you may want to develop certain safe words or phrases designed to gently remind yourself and your communication partner that communication works best when you are both calm and understanding.

Listen For the Sake of Understanding

When we feel stress our emotions scream for attention. We want desperately to be put at ease, but often lack the ability to immediately relax our minds. We feel like life is out to get us. ‘When will I ever get a break?’ ‘Why won’t anyone help me?’ ‘No one understands how I feel.’

A natural response is to believe that we are the ones who must be understood; we are the ones who deserve a break; we are the ones who need to do all the talking. To maintain a healthy relationship with your loved one, you will need to compromise. You can do your share of talking, but remember to listen. The person with whom you are communicating has his or her own needs, desires, and emotions. Listen to what he or she has to say with the intention of better understanding what he or she thinks or feels. Avoid the urge to listen with the intention of responding. It is not about volleying your words back and forth. It is not about winning an argument. It is not about being right or being worse off. It is about understanding.

If you set the pace by calmly listening and trying to understand your communication partner, you increase the chances that he or she will do the same. If you set the pace by attacking and struggling to be the loudest speaker, you will increase the chances that your communication partner will do the same. Which outcome would you prefer?

Manage Your Anger Triggers

Finally, it is extremely important that you know your anger triggers. An anger trigger is anything that sets off your anger. Many people become angry when they feel that their sense of self, individuality, or competency is being attacked. Some people become angry when they are compared to other people whom they do not like. These triggers are extra sensitive when we are stressed. Things which would normally slide right off our backs instead cut us deep and enrage us. They serve as an excuse for us to get out all of our stress-related frustrations.

It is important that you know what will set off your anger before you begin trying to communicate. By knowing your anger triggers you can pre-plan your coping strategies. For example, if you feel triggered, instead of responding with anger, you can ask for a moment alone. You can remove yourself from the room, take a few deep breaths, remind yourself who you are communicating with, and return to a calm and understanding state. You can then let your communication partner know that you felt triggered, but do not want to react angrily. You can then stop the anger trigger from derailing your conversation and focus your attention back to the topic-at-hand.