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I don't think anyone would ever condone staying in an abusive relationship but often the victim is so abused that they have had any confidence or belief in themselves beaten (I'm not suggesting physically - this can, obviously, be mentally too) out of them so have no belief that they can escape the situation. At least she went eventually though when she felt strong enough and the time was right for her. It's easy for us looking in from the outside and with Alan's perspective of time also isn't it? By the way; 'Who do you think You Are' is always a good option whoever the person!
Another thing to consider about that phrase "staying for the sake of the kids" is that often it is not the "luxury" of an emotional reason; it is a flat-out financial reason. Where will we all sleep tonight? How will we eat, take a shower, have money for the bus? Those kinds of things are often invisible in the discussion of "why she stayed." As much as others are willing to say, "You can stay on my couch," the reality seems overwhelming, especially when the woman is trying to preserve some privacy and dignity (which the rest of us might say are "luxuries" compared to her physical safety.)
So it is very tricky, the line between giving support and being judgmental.
The amazing thing to me is how Alan Cumming grew up into a successful man, able to carry on healthy relationships and achieve success in his art, in spite of having such a rocky childhood. Now there is cause for hope!
Too true. None of us can judge how and why others make the decisions they do as we're not living in their shoes. It did really give me a new respect for Alan Cumming though having read his story.
I wasn't trying to be judgmental. Alan was extremely critical of his father and rightly so. However, there was one point in the book where he wondered how much of his father's behaviour was due to mental illness, especially when he appeared to be playing with Alan's feelings over the fatherhood issue.
We can't condone behaviour but we can try to understand it. What motivated Alan's father to behave as he did? Was he an evil man or an insecure, perhaps mentally ill one who became obsessed with the possibility of his wife giving birth to a child that wasn't his. Again, I am not condoning his treatment of Alan just trying to understand it.
And I would like to do the same with his Mom. I am curious about the mom's motivation. Of course, I can't and won't judge her decision not knowing the full circumstances. BUT, everybody knew Cummins senior was a cheat and the marriage was a sham and she knew the physical and mental toll on Alan, yet she waited until Alan was gone before leaving.
I just can't see how financial security (or whatever the motivation) trumps physical safety, especially when it involves a child.
Completely agree with what you say especially as we're chatting here in 2016. But working class Glasgow shortly post war?? It was put up and shut up. It was accepted that the women brought their kids up, men earned the money (and drunk lots of it, sorting the wee bairn out with a slap from time to time if needs be) but 'that's the way it's always been' so Mary was probably just part of that horrible situation that was perpetuated for far too long. Thank god that things, in the vast majority of cases, have changed and people can have more support. The world's far from ideal but some things have changed for the better. Would still be interesting to see the drivers for the behaviour of Alan's family though, that's for sure!
I can completely understand why Cumming would not want to explore his mother’s side of the relationship and her faults, he already had a father who abused and rejected him. If he looked too closely at his mother it may taint that relationship as well.
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Flapper72
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Jan 10, 2016 05:18AM
I don't think anyone would ever condone staying in an abusive relationship but often the victim is so abused that they have had any confidence or belief in themselves beaten (I'm not suggesting physically - this can, obviously, be mentally too) out of them so have no belief that they can escape the situation. At least she went eventually though when she felt strong enough and the time was right for her. It's easy for us looking in from the outside and with Alan's perspective of time also isn't it? By the way; 'Who do you think You Are' is always a good option whoever the person!
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Another thing to consider about that phrase "staying for the sake of the kids" is that often it is not the "luxury" of an emotional reason; it is a flat-out financial reason. Where will we all sleep tonight? How will we eat, take a shower, have money for the bus? Those kinds of things are often invisible in the discussion of "why she stayed." As much as others are willing to say, "You can stay on my couch," the reality seems overwhelming, especially when the woman is trying to preserve some privacy and dignity (which the rest of us might say are "luxuries" compared to her physical safety.)So it is very tricky, the line between giving support and being judgmental.
The amazing thing to me is how Alan Cumming grew up into a successful man, able to carry on healthy relationships and achieve success in his art, in spite of having such a rocky childhood. Now there is cause for hope!
Too true. None of us can judge how and why others make the decisions they do as we're not living in their shoes. It did really give me a new respect for Alan Cumming though having read his story.
I wasn't trying to be judgmental. Alan was extremely critical of his father and rightly so. However, there was one point in the book where he wondered how much of his father's behaviour was due to mental illness, especially when he appeared to be playing with Alan's feelings over the fatherhood issue. We can't condone behaviour but we can try to understand it. What motivated Alan's father to behave as he did? Was he an evil man or an insecure, perhaps mentally ill one who became obsessed with the possibility of his wife giving birth to a child that wasn't his. Again, I am not condoning his treatment of Alan just trying to understand it.
And I would like to do the same with his Mom. I am curious about the mom's motivation. Of course, I can't and won't judge her decision not knowing the full circumstances. BUT, everybody knew Cummins senior was a cheat and the marriage was a sham and she knew the physical and mental toll on Alan, yet she waited until Alan was gone before leaving.
I just can't see how financial security (or whatever the motivation) trumps physical safety, especially when it involves a child.
Completely agree with what you say especially as we're chatting here in 2016. But working class Glasgow shortly post war?? It was put up and shut up. It was accepted that the women brought their kids up, men earned the money (and drunk lots of it, sorting the wee bairn out with a slap from time to time if needs be) but 'that's the way it's always been' so Mary was probably just part of that horrible situation that was perpetuated for far too long. Thank god that things, in the vast majority of cases, have changed and people can have more support. The world's far from ideal but some things have changed for the better. Would still be interesting to see the drivers for the behaviour of Alan's family though, that's for sure!
I can completely understand why Cumming would not want to explore his mother’s side of the relationship and her faults, he already had a father who abused and rejected him. If he looked too closely at his mother it may taint that relationship as well.
