Britt’s review of Split or Swallow (Split or Swallow, #1) > Likes and Comments
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From what I’ve heard around me, not that wild! And I LOVE me some smut. I’m a romance girlie at heart and (my coworkers follow my on here so i’m scared to log some of the shit I’ve read HAHA) the weirder the better. But this just missed the mark completely for me. I’m glad people are enjoying it! To each their own and I wouldn’t judge my friends for liking it if they did, nor would I want to yuck their yum. But for me, this may have been the worst thing I’ve read in a while lol!
Was literally LOL'ing the entire time. Yes, Tem is a switchy brat who doesn't know what she's doing, yes the semen based dildo vibrator is a bit cringe, yes Caspen is a walking red flag who is like an old man who should know better than to get romantically involved with a 20 year old (but maybe it makes him feel young again). But I don't believe for one sec Lindsay thinks any of this is romance. It's comedy smut that she wrote for her own enjoyment and other people who enjoy reading ridiculouly absurb stories. Writing is at least not a slog to get through and I love when authors write characters that im judging the entire time.
I dont begrudge you your rating and opinion, it actually made me laugh cause you're so right. But I guess some people just enjoy absurd rides and some people want something that they can see themselves in? Either way, thanks for the good spirit
I read 50 pages of this book and HATED IT and have to say this would 100% be my review if I forced myself to read this pile of garbage. So glad I read this and can have no regrets lol I cannot believe how popular this book is on booktok and Reddit like WTF
Woah, I do not get this take at all. I get the feeling that some people think they’re too evolved for smut.
10000% agree, I forced myself to finish and every page was literally torture. Tem is maybe the worst FMC I’ve ever read, and it’s first person so there’s no escaping her it’s just terrible
I hate leaving negative reviews but I have to agree with you. I actually DNF’d it. I couldn’t finish it.
Inconsistency haunts every page of this book like a snake man moaning from within your, uh, claw.
Saving for later... This review is so fun.
I was thiiiiis close to getting this so-called romance book but I think you’ve come to my rescue. It was the splitting pelvis that sealed the deal.
This is the best review I've read on here!
Yep. This is it. The review I’d have written if I wasn’t lazy lol. Well done!!
It was so bad.
I kept remembering bad things after i published my review but stopped adding lol what a nightmare
Completely agree and the dialogue was TERRIBLE, especially with the Prince why are you just repeating him? Give us SOMETHING
I've hate-read a lot of bad books for fun, or to laugh at the nonsense, but this book I only finished out of pure, semi-solid pearlescent SPITE. Every element of the writing was horrific. Every technical element of the story's "structure"-- Abysmal. I can't believe this has a team behind it. It's bad. It's a Wattpad first draft AT BEST, but to be published work? Unfathomable. Every page is a painful love letter on how NOT to tell a story. And then to endcap it with self-made fanfiction at the end? Not worth 519 pages of constant character assassinations and contrived conflicts. If I could've given it 0 stars, I would have.
You said everything I think about it. Glad I'm not here alone.
I couldnt have agreed more, this was one of the worst books i have ever read.
100% agree I DNF after the pelvis broke and I'm like why tf did I read that far
The cover of this book was so misleading…as soon as I clicked on the GR page I was immediately thinking ‘WTF?’. As in, WHY the fuck is it 750 pages? WHY the FUCK is basilisk sex implied in the description? WHY is it proud of being Draco Malfoy fanfic adjacent? And WHY THE FUCK does it have one of the prettiest covers I’ve seen in a while????
Thank you for this review, though it was so hilarious and compelling that it’s almost driven me closer to reading the book just so I can be in on your jokes a little more…
I hardly ever dnf books and yeaaa I can’t make
It past 60%
This review perfectly sums up my reading experience so far (30% in and stubbornly hate-reading at this point)
This is the funniest review I’ve ever read - and it’s completely accurate. I can’t believe I made it through this entire book
this is such a fun and well-written review! didn’t plan on reading the book and now i feel even more sure i won’t. i’m honestly so shocked books like this get published.
1. This review is better written than the book and I haven’t read the book. 2. This review is enough to make me hate read it because this is HILARIOUS!
I saw basilisk in the title and did a double take and questioned if a basilisk was what I thought it was.. it was. I started to read it bc I HAD to know if the basilisks had a human form bc it made no sense otherwise. Then I had to finish it just to see how a book like this even plays out?? I mean if you’re reading for smut no plot then sure go ahead, but otherwise I’d agree to stay clear.
This is the funniest review i've come across - oh lord, I'm cackling! OMG.
I got 40% in. I honestly wish I saw this review would have saved me time reading this book. Horrible!
The accuracy of this review is brilliant
Its literally just her cheating repeatedly😭
When I tell you I am laughing out loud
And here I was thinking I was crazy for not liking this book at all. I kept saying to myself “it’ll get better….?” Spoiler alert… it doesn’t.
These are the book reviews I LIVE for👏👏👏🙏
I'm laughing so hard at this right now! Hahahahaha.
Completely agree! I’m 50% into the book and I don’t think I can keep going
I ready 6 chapters and thought the same lmao. I was like is this the elite series on a high. The dialogue is so poor, and her low self esteem. The king mirroring that of the same series. I mean I guess ?
Honestly, bad fanfiction is better than this.
Yep. I dnfed at maybe 3 pages in. This summed it up perfectly by that point. Lmao I was lost and confused with sprinkle of “plot” if you could call it that.
I’m so glad I’m not the only one ,I’m on chapter 28 and it’s killing me !!! Don’t even want to finish
"This book is a fever dream of bad smut, worse writing and plot twists that somehow managed to feel both absurd and boring at the same time. Our protagonist, Tem, oscillates between wanting to be - not even being - a "strong feminist" and someone who literally totes around a remote-controlled sperm-made vibrator egg because a 1000 year old dish rag told her to after seeing her once (I wish I were kidding) with all the conviction of wet toast."
You are 100% right and I still gave it 4 stars LOL! fuck Tem tho. She was the most annoying FMC ever. I was digging Leo tho.
How did you manage to put all of my thoughts here?!? Haha, I cannot believe people LOVE this abomination and rate it 5 stars. I have been so bored and completely astonished while reading this but refused to DNF it because I needed to know how much worse it would get! Thank you for your hilarious rendition of all my thoughts. Cheers!
The accuracy of this review! I stopped at 30% I couldn’t do it. I didn’t want to dnf but I could not get through it.
This review!!! I felt like the chapters were never ending and sooooo repetitive only to realise I wasn’t even half way through the book, officially gave up 43% in
Couldn’t agree more! definitely high on the list of worse books I’ve read
This! I sloughed until 49% mark, and had to admit that I. Just. Cannot.
I liked this book, but this review is so spot on and historical 😂😂
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From what I’ve heard around me, not that wild! And I LOVE me some smut. I’m a romance girlie at heart and (my coworkers follow my on here so i’m scared to log some of the shit I’ve read HAHA) the weirder the better. But this just missed the mark completely for me. I’m glad people are enjoying it! To each their own and I wouldn’t judge my friends for liking it if they did, nor would I want to yuck their yum. But for me, this may have been the worst thing I’ve read in a while lol!
Was literally LOL'ing the entire time. Yes, Tem is a switchy brat who doesn't know what she's doing, yes the semen based dildo vibrator is a bit cringe, yes Caspen is a walking red flag who is like an old man who should know better than to get romantically involved with a 20 year old (but maybe it makes him feel young again). But I don't believe for one sec Lindsay thinks any of this is romance. It's comedy smut that she wrote for her own enjoyment and other people who enjoy reading ridiculouly absurb stories. Writing is at least not a slog to get through and I love when authors write characters that im judging the entire time.I dont begrudge you your rating and opinion, it actually made me laugh cause you're so right. But I guess some people just enjoy absurd rides and some people want something that they can see themselves in? Either way, thanks for the good spirit
I read 50 pages of this book and HATED IT and have to say this would 100% be my review if I forced myself to read this pile of garbage. So glad I read this and can have no regrets lol I cannot believe how popular this book is on booktok and Reddit like WTF
Woah, I do not get this take at all. I get the feeling that some people think they’re too evolved for smut.
10000% agree, I forced myself to finish and every page was literally torture. Tem is maybe the worst FMC I’ve ever read, and it’s first person so there’s no escaping her it’s just terrible
I hate leaving negative reviews but I have to agree with you. I actually DNF’d it. I couldn’t finish it.
Inconsistency haunts every page of this book like a snake man moaning from within your, uh, claw.
Saving for later... This review is so fun.
I was thiiiiis close to getting this so-called romance book but I think you’ve come to my rescue. It was the splitting pelvis that sealed the deal.
This is the best review I've read on here!
Yep. This is it. The review I’d have written if I wasn’t lazy lol. Well done!!
It was so bad. I kept remembering bad things after i published my review but stopped adding lol what a nightmare
Completely agree and the dialogue was TERRIBLE, especially with the Prince why are you just repeating him? Give us SOMETHING
I've hate-read a lot of bad books for fun, or to laugh at the nonsense, but this book I only finished out of pure, semi-solid pearlescent SPITE. Every element of the writing was horrific. Every technical element of the story's "structure"-- Abysmal. I can't believe this has a team behind it. It's bad. It's a Wattpad first draft AT BEST, but to be published work? Unfathomable. Every page is a painful love letter on how NOT to tell a story. And then to endcap it with self-made fanfiction at the end? Not worth 519 pages of constant character assassinations and contrived conflicts. If I could've given it 0 stars, I would have.
You said everything I think about it. Glad I'm not here alone.
I couldnt have agreed more, this was one of the worst books i have ever read.
100% agree I DNF after the pelvis broke and I'm like why tf did I read that far
The cover of this book was so misleading…as soon as I clicked on the GR page I was immediately thinking ‘WTF?’. As in, WHY the fuck is it 750 pages? WHY the FUCK is basilisk sex implied in the description? WHY is it proud of being Draco Malfoy fanfic adjacent? And WHY THE FUCK does it have one of the prettiest covers I’ve seen in a while???? Thank you for this review, though it was so hilarious and compelling that it’s almost driven me closer to reading the book just so I can be in on your jokes a little more…
I hardly ever dnf books and yeaaa I can’t makeIt past 60%
This review perfectly sums up my reading experience so far (30% in and stubbornly hate-reading at this point)
This is the funniest review I’ve ever read - and it’s completely accurate. I can’t believe I made it through this entire book
this is such a fun and well-written review! didn’t plan on reading the book and now i feel even more sure i won’t. i’m honestly so shocked books like this get published.
1. This review is better written than the book and I haven’t read the book. 2. This review is enough to make me hate read it because this is HILARIOUS!
I saw basilisk in the title and did a double take and questioned if a basilisk was what I thought it was.. it was. I started to read it bc I HAD to know if the basilisks had a human form bc it made no sense otherwise. Then I had to finish it just to see how a book like this even plays out?? I mean if you’re reading for smut no plot then sure go ahead, but otherwise I’d agree to stay clear.
This is the funniest review i've come across - oh lord, I'm cackling! OMG.
I got 40% in. I honestly wish I saw this review would have saved me time reading this book. Horrible!
The accuracy of this review is brilliant
Its literally just her cheating repeatedly😭
When I tell you I am laughing out loud
And here I was thinking I was crazy for not liking this book at all. I kept saying to myself “it’ll get better….?” Spoiler alert… it doesn’t.
These are the book reviews I LIVE for👏👏👏🙏
I'm laughing so hard at this right now! Hahahahaha.
Completely agree! I’m 50% into the book and I don’t think I can keep going
I ready 6 chapters and thought the same lmao. I was like is this the elite series on a high. The dialogue is so poor, and her low self esteem. The king mirroring that of the same series. I mean I guess ?
Honestly, bad fanfiction is better than this.
Yep. I dnfed at maybe 3 pages in. This summed it up perfectly by that point. Lmao I was lost and confused with sprinkle of “plot” if you could call it that.
I’m so glad I’m not the only one ,I’m on chapter 28 and it’s killing me !!! Don’t even want to finish
"This book is a fever dream of bad smut, worse writing and plot twists that somehow managed to feel both absurd and boring at the same time. Our protagonist, Tem, oscillates between wanting to be - not even being - a "strong feminist" and someone who literally totes around a remote-controlled sperm-made vibrator egg because a 1000 year old dish rag told her to after seeing her once (I wish I were kidding) with all the conviction of wet toast."You are 100% right and I still gave it 4 stars LOL! fuck Tem tho. She was the most annoying FMC ever. I was digging Leo tho.
How did you manage to put all of my thoughts here?!? Haha, I cannot believe people LOVE this abomination and rate it 5 stars. I have been so bored and completely astonished while reading this but refused to DNF it because I needed to know how much worse it would get! Thank you for your hilarious rendition of all my thoughts. Cheers!
The accuracy of this review! I stopped at 30% I couldn’t do it. I didn’t want to dnf but I could not get through it.
This review!!! I felt like the chapters were never ending and sooooo repetitive only to realise I wasn’t even half way through the book, officially gave up 43% in
Couldn’t agree more! definitely high on the list of worse books I’ve read
This! I sloughed until 49% mark, and had to admit that I. Just. Cannot.
I liked this book, but this review is so spot on and historical 😂😂
Sorry you didn't get to enjoy it :(, but everything isn’t for everyone I guess.
I, for one, loved how Straub manages to tell a story. Especially as a debut novel.