Can your past shape you without defining you? > Likes and Comments

I came across Born to Rise by Lorna Blake recently, and one thing that really caught my attention was the idea of how much our early experiences can influence the person we become.
A lot of people carry things from their past, difficult childhoods, setbacks, mistakes, or moments that changed the way they see themselves. But I found myself thinking about whether those experiences are something that truly define us, or if they are just part of the road that gets us where we are going.
One thing I found interesting is how often people can surprise themselves when they get the right support or simply decide not to give up on their own story.
It made me curious about everyone else's thoughts: do you think our past has a strong hold on who we become, or do you think the choices we make later in life matter more?

Depends on the choices we make later in life!

Also depends on the genes we inherited!

Me, I've always loved learning and that has been tremendously helpful. It skews me towards taking a zen approach to bad things.

Life is a journey and a teacher. One of the things it's taught me, late, is that I often or sometimes shortchange myself in important matters. I compromise in a way that I don't want to! had no idea that I was doing that. That does happen to be a habit that was instilled in me in early life. That early life also taught me to take charge and take responsibility. Both my sisters have that latter quality too, so it could also be the result of combining my mother's and my father's genes. Who knows.

(If you want to know more about my childhood, you can go my website and click on "Childhood stuff? Child's play!" I just took that page offline and put it back again a day later, thinking that reading it might make some people feel strengthened or inspired. I don't want to post links here.)

I enjoyed the way Born to Rise centers on the idea that where you begin does not necessarily determine where you end up.
Lorna Blake’s journey from rural Jamaica to Canada, while navigating motherhood, education, difficult personal experiences, and eventually a career helping others, gives the story a lot to reflect on.
What I found especially interesting was the balance between acknowledging painful experiences and continuing to move forward.
For readers who enjoy memoirs about resilience, personal growth, and overcoming difficult circumstances, this is definitely a story worth discussing.
What part of Lorna’s journey stood out to you most?

Hi guys :)

I havent read Born to Rise, but its a great topic.
Audra and Angelina, I think you are right, our past does indeed have a very strong hold on us, and " instills" both our thoughts patterns and behavioral patterns.

Overcoming painful experiences and personal growth? Yes of course; this is the ideal outcome. What I see a lot amongst my patients and other people I know though, is that many of us are only becoming aware of what patterns we have inherited DECADES after- by which time it would have caused us some health issues/failed relationships etc etc.

So the books that help to gain insight on the matter are definitely a good idea! :))

Jasmine

This sounds like a really interesting memoir. I’m especially curious about Lorna’s journey from Jamaica to Canada and how that experience shaped her life. I would love to hear more from readers who have already read it.

Audra wrote: "I came across Born to Rise by Lorna Blake recently, and one thing that really caught my attention was the idea of how much our early experiences can influence the person we become.
A lot of people ..."

Thank you for asking this! I haven’t read the book, but I can relate to your situation. I’ve experienced a lot of trauma and am currently working on becoming a new person while trying not to let it define me. The biggest challenge for me has been managing my anger, especially towards the things that were done to me. It truly put me in a dark place because I felt it was undeserved. Letting go of the past has been the hardest part, but I’m making a conscious decision to do so. Sometimes, I get pulled back in, but it’s a choice. I have more life left to live than what I’ve been through, and I want to live it fully and vibrantly, not in black and white, overshadowed by my past.

I think our past shapes us enormously, but it doesn’t have to define us. That distinction became very clear to me while writing my memoir, Finding My Way in Westport available on Amazon.

For years, I looked back at my childhood mainly through the eyes of the boy who lived it—the discipline, rebellion, family struggles, mistakes, friendships, and all the confusion that came with growing up. Writing about those years decades later gave me a very different perspective.

I came to realize that we can’t change what happened to us, but we can change how we understand it. And sometimes, with enough distance, we even begin to understand the people who shaped us in ways we couldn’t possibly understand when we were young.

So for me, it isn’t really past versus choice. The past gives us the starting point. What we choose to do with it becomes the rest of the story.

I think the past shapes us, but it doesn’t have to define us.
We carry habits, fears, and ways of thinking from earlier experiences, but later choices still matter. Sometimes the hardest part is simply noticing what we’ve been carrying for years without questioning it.
So for me, it’s probably both: the past gives us a starting point, but it doesn’t have to decide the ending.

Vasyl put it well: the hardest part is often noticing what we've been carrying without questioning it. I think the past shapes us mostly by setting a baseline we never chose. It quietly decides what feels normal, safe or possible, so a choice can feel wrong before we've even thought about it. Once we can see that baseline, later choices get more room to matter. That's the idea behind my upcoming book, The Reference Point: Why Change Isn't Easy: What You're Measuring It Against. I'd be curious whether others have noticed a "default" like that in themselves.

I want to add that it's often other people who believe that some person's past is who they are. Particularly people who tend to obsess over things that don't matter or who've never experienced much of anything. This is why it's important to live now and not let other people drag us down time and time again once they know certain things about us. I'm waffling. What I mean is the if you want to leave the past where it belongs, don't share it with others.

I talked with a refugee the other day who I asked about his future and then I mentioned the regime in his country because my something he had told me about his past.

Because of

That's a fair addition, and I think both things can be true at once. Other people can absolutely try to hold your past against you, and Angelina's right that sharing it selectively matters. But even without anyone else in the room, I've noticed the same thing happens internally. We often do it to ourselves before anyone else gets the chance, holding onto an old version of "who I am" long after the evidence has changed. External pressure and that internal baseline probably feed each other more than either one working alone.

Born to Rise was an emotional read for me. There are so many moments of struggle, but also moments of courage, growth, and self-discovery. I liked that Lorna doesn’t present her journey as perfect. It feels more like an honest reflection on everything that shaped her and the person she eventually became

Agreed what you said Johanna on Lorna, about moments of struggle, courage, growth and self discovery and everything shaped her and eventually what she became because she was running on immediate baseline and the feedback was instant to her to make decisions.
Just think about others who's life is normal and struggling to or want to do something specific w r t health, relationship or career, after few days or week's they'll be going back to old patterns and struggling to go forward.