mkPLANET’s Comments (group member since Feb 01, 2015)

mkPLANET’s comments from the MK & TCK Book Club group.

We have a winner: Congratulations, Gill!

I want to thank everyone who participated in our giveaway by commenting in our book club. You've contributed to the richness of our discussions here, and I hope you've found them beneficial to you.

Just a quick note about wrapping up the giveaway: I'll be contacting the winner, and if I don't hear back after two weeks I'll hold a random draw to pick another winner.

Thanks again, Everyone!
Dana

The last section I'd like to mention briefy is the way friends and others can support TCKs.

The authors mention several points, including the importance of comforting when appropriate, and not comparing stories or reminding TCKs that 'other people have it worse.'

At its simplest, a helpful response is for friends to be interested, and to ask good questions. It's rare for people to sincerely want to hear more about the TCK's experience, so this alone can be a type of support.

Friends can build on their interest with good questions. In my experience, though, the question I've been asked most often is, "Do you still speak the language?" and that's as far as the conversation usually goes. I've heard TCKs joke about some of the questions they've been asked, as well as the lack of knowledge people have about the countries/cultures TCKs have lived in. I would suggest, instead, that if we as TCKs see that a friend's question is sincere, we can use the opportunity to help them learn a bit about our countries and open their eyes to the reasons we loved those places.

That being said, it does help if friends are able to ask good questions. The authors suggest questions such as, "How did you feel when you said good-bye to your grandma?" "What was the hardest thing about returning to your home country?" and "What did you like best about growing up that way?" Questions about feelings, stories, and specific circumstances begin to explore the TCK's experience beyond a superficial level, and may actually be the first opportunity the TCK is given to process the experience out loud.

Questions:

What have been the more helpful and/or unhelpful questions you've heard about your TCK experience from a friend or acquaintance?

What are other ways that a friend has given you support to process your TCK experience?

Lastly, what advice would you give to friends of TCKs who want to be supportive but don't know how?

What's the parents' role in helping their adult TCKs? Here's one TCK's story from the chapter:

"One ATCK took courage and finally wrote his parents some of the things he had felt through some of the early separations from them as a child. His mother wrote back, 'Thank you for telling us how you felt. As I read your letter, of course I cried. I wish I could give you a big hug right now. I'm sorry we didn't know then what you expressed now or we might have made some different decisions–but we didn't. I love you and trust your story will help others.'"

This mother's response is a good example of the way parents can support their adult children process past losses. You'll notice she acknowledges her son's feelings, she shares about her own grief at finding out how her son felt, and she wants to comfort him. She also apologizes, even though she didn't know what her son was feeling all those years ago, and reassures him that he was a priority to her and his father, saying that his feelings at the time would've been a factor in the decisions they made. This kind of response, where a parent believes, values, and responds in love to the ATCK's feelings, helps the healing process immensely.

The authors' first suggestion to parents is to listen and try to understand, which they say "may seem simple, but it's not." In spite of a parent's love for their child, it's easy to become defensive, to rationalize past decisions, and minimize their effects on children, especially if the child expresses intense emotions, including anger, at the parents or their organizations. Parents might be tempted to dispute the child's memory of certain circumstances, or to argue that the child's emotional response is unwarranted.

The authors say that it "may not be easy for parents to hear [these emotions], but it's important for parents to keep in mind that life has stages, and that often children can't fully deal with or understand what is happening at a certain time in their lives." They also say, "it is critical that when ATCKs try to tell their parents, even years later, what they were feeling as they grew up, parents need to listen and accept it." Guidelines for the parents include comforting their children, being gentle, forgiving, and assuming they are still needed in their children's lives. (The authors expand on each point in the chapter, and naturally I would encourage parents of TCKs to pick up the book if at all possible.)

Questions:
Does anyone have a success story they can share with the group? What's your advice for families who are trying to, or have yet to work through these issues together?

For TCKs: What aspect of your parents' response has been the most meaningful to you in this process? If you haven't gone through the process yet, or if you've tried and it didn't turn out the way you'd hoped, what response do you wish they had given/might still give? What's your advice to other TCKs who are having a hard time having their feelings be acknowledged and validated by their parents?

Parents: If you've gone through this process with your child(ren), how did it go? What were some of the hurdles you encountered along the way? And what's your advice to parents who may be struggling through the process? If you haven't gone through it with them yet, do you plan to?

Bethany, I can relate with that! I missed my childhood home a lot, and by the time I finished my first year of university, my homesickness was getting in the way of my studies. I told this to a friend over coffee one day, and he said to me, "Well, why don't you just go?" I was a bit stunned by this, and didn't have an answer for him. His suggestion sounded impossible, and yet I didn't know why. That was a turning point for me, and I finally figured why not? So I took a year off from university to work and travel, and it was exactly what I needed.

Everyone's situation is different, of course, and for some ATCKs it may really be impossible to travel back to the place they grew up, whether because of finances, illness, or family obligations. Some can't return to their childhood home because political instability, diseases, or natural disasters have made those areas unsafe. If someone longs to return to their childhood home but is prevented from doing that, it can add another layer of grief which needs to be worked through.

I can see why, Bethany! It takes me right back to my goodbyes too. The day my family drove away from our home, I turned around to catch one last glance through the rain-soaked rear window of our car. Our neighbor stood waving on the street in front of our house, under her black umbrella. She had been our babysitter and unofficial aunt, someone we had grown very close to. So this song definitely touches on a tender spot in my heart, reminding me of my last glimpse of her.

Apologies for coming back so late! I've had computer troubles that made typing difficult, so I'm thankful for a friend who loaned me their laptop! So I'll cover a couple issues here to make up for lost time. Feel free to jump in on any or all of these topics!

In the chapter, the authors mention common ways that TCKs use to process and grieve their losses. Journaling is one way many TCKs choose to do this processing. Chatting on listserves or blogs, in forums, or social media groups is another way many people have processed their TCK experience. These are places where all kinds of questions and stories are shared. Pollock and Van Reken list several questions for reflection, several of which I've listed below. How would you answer them?

- Did you properly say good-bye to a country you loved dearly?
- What ever happened to your pets?
- Where is your amah now?
- Have you rediscovered your role in a group?

Others approach their past through painting, photography, poetry, writing fiction, and even by the way they decorate their homes, and other creative outlets. I want to invite anyone who may have put some of their creative work online, to share their links with us if they like. If you have a gallery, blog, book, etc. showcasing a part of your TCK experience, you're welcome to post it here.

Still others have the opportunity to process their past by revisiting the place(s) they grew up. Have you had this opportunity? If so, tell us about a highlight, or a surprise you encountered along the way. Did you find old acquaintances, or bring back a meaningful memento? Would you go again? And if you haven't had this opportunity yet, do you plan to travel to your childhood home(s) one day?

Lastly, how do you process things best? Do you prefer the privacy of journaling, or do you like to be introspective with friends, family, or in groups of fellow TCKs? Are you the creative type, or do you process best by revisiting people from your past and the places you grew up? Or is there a different method that works better for you which I haven't mentioned here?

Bethany wrote: "One example of my self-discovery was when I had lived in a new place for about a year and a half. I actually had a fairly stable TCK experience, living in one house for 5 years, and then another f..."

Bethany, that's a great example of how knowing about your TCK instincts/habits gives you the freedom to either follow through on them or not. Dealing with them may still be difficult, but knowing about them means you can anticipate them and choose your approach.

For me, this kind of knowledge was very helpful when I realized that I had the tendency to want to exchange not just homes, but also friends. Once I realized that I had this subconscious timer telling me when it was 'time' to say goodbye to my current friends, rather than letting them go, I was able to make choices that actually strengthened my friendships. I'm thankful because, had I not been aware of the way my nomadic past was impacting me, I might have lost some very good friends!

Sharon wrote: "I re-entered the US at age 18 (kinda journaling as I write...). Am now over 50. My greatest emotional need it to be accepted. But I push people away with oddities of past or current "me". I fulfill..."

Sharon, that's a very relatable need you've described. It reminds me of a quote I recently came across by Tim Keller. He says, “To be loved but not known is comforting but superficial. To be known and not loved is our greatest fear. But to be fully known and truly loved is, well, a lot like being loved by God. It is what we need more than anything.” I'm so happy to hear you've found someone who knows your 'oddities' as you say, and loves you as a friend! Everybody needs someone like that in their lives! (As TCKs, we're an odd bunch, aren't we? Our quirks have helped make us the interesting, seasoned, mutilayered, people we are. That's certainly worth celebrating.) :)

Since you know about your habit of pushing people away, has this knowlegde ever come in handy? In other words, has it influenced the way you approach or respond to potential new friends?

I love that story, Ruth. What a wonderful legacy your Dad left for you!

Gill and Ruth, that stood out to me as well. I wonder if some TCKs deal with an additional layer of perceived lack of choice if their parents were also given few options, if any, by their employer. Either way, I can see how it becomes easy to let life happen to us, even later as independent adults, rather than realizing how empowered we actually are. Thank you both for your comments, and for expressing that concept so well.

And Gill, I can also relate with you in that I find it hard to commit, and I question whether I'm in the right place, with the right people, applying for the right jobs, and so on, or whether the 'right' place is waiting for me elsewhere. In other words, it takes effort for me to plant my tree, but I have still been intentional about trying to go through with it. I know I run the risk of leaving part of my heart behind if/when I move again, but at the same time, I know I'll experience the benefits too, and that the risk is worth it.

Hello Everyone! It's hard to believe how quickly the summer has gone by. After such a rich journey through "Third Culture Kids" which has been facilitated by so many insightful, gifted, and dedicated individuals in the TCK community, we've reached the final chapter of the book.

Our topic this week will be 'It's Never too Late,' and we'll follow the chapter's outline as a guide for our conversation. We'll dedicate the first two days to 'What ATCKs Can Do.' Then we'll focus on the question, 'How Can Parents Help Their ATCKs?' And lastly, we'll spend some time looking at 'What Friends and Other Relatives Can Do.'

Here's a quote to get us started, and I'll post more topics and questions as the day goes on:

"For many ATCKs, simply putting a name to their past–'I grew up as a third culture kid'–opens a new perspective on life... Some who have spent a lifetime thinking they're alone in their differentness or wondering 'What's wrong with me?' discover they have lived a normal life after all–at least normal for a TCK. Somehow the concept of normality is very liberating. It doesn't solve every problem, but it gives permission for a lot of self-discovery and frees ATCKs to make some changes they may not have thought possible."

Here's an example of this sort of self-discovery in action, also from the book:

"Since one ATCK discovered withdrawal was her consistent pattern before moving, she now tells her friends a month before the departure date, 'I want to let you know what a great friend you've been, because I might not be able to tell you at the end. I also need to tell you that I've hurt a lot of people by acting like I don't care when it comes time to say good-bye. I'm going to try not to do that, but if I start to withdraw, you let me know.' And her friends do."

Here are a few questions this brings to mind. Feel free to comment on whichever ones grab your interest, or ask your own!

– How did learning that you were a TCK change your perspective on yourself, your childhood, or on life in general? Did you have an 'aha' moment, or was it a gradual process?

– Have you begun a process of self-discovery in light of everything you've learned about your TCK experience? If so, what's one interesting thing you've learned about yourself?

– Can you give an example of your self-discovery in action, like the ATCK in the example above?

I look forward to hearing from you!

Hi Kailey! Yep, each comment that engages with a facilitator's question gives you an entry in the giveaway. Remember, it needs to be in our chapter discussions. I recommend starting with this week's if you're interested. We're on chapter 18, which is about how sending agencies can/should support TCKs, and is being led by Michele Phoenix. Of course, you're welcome to post in any and all of our chapter discussions!

FACILITATOR: MICHÈLE PHOENIX

Born in France to a Canadian father and an American mother, Michèle is a mentor, writer and speaker with a heart for MKs. She taught for 20 years at Black Forest Academy (Germany) before launching her own ministry advocating for TCKs. She now travels globally to consult and teach on topics related to this unique people group. She loves good conversations, mischievous students, Marvel movies and French pastries. http://michelephoenix.com

I'm sure a good number of TCKs can relate to your experience, Tina! I certainly can. One of my biggest hurdles in finding friends is that I have no shared history with them. I guess the real problem is when those circles feel so 'complete' they're unwilling to welcome new members into their groups. What's your advice for TCKs who are having trouble breaking into established groups of friends? And how did your story end––were you able to find a group of friends?

Tina wrote: "Have you found upon repatriation that you or your children were mistaken to be older than they actually were?"

I was a proud 11-year-old when I got my first complement about being 'mature' for my age. It happened one day when my parents' colleague came over for a visit. He was early, so I kept him company until my parents returned after running an errand. He told my parents afterwards about his impressions of me, and they happily passed on the complement.

I don't know how widespread it is for TCKs to make this impression, but I imagine it's common! :)

I want to thank you, Becky, for leading our discussion on meeting TCKs' educational needs. Ruth and Bev, thank you for your input as well. It's an important topic that resonates with many of us, and our conversation here has shed light on some of the most critical issues for parents, students, and others to consider. I can understand why TCKs from across the spectrum of backgrounds and experiences may feel passionately about TCK education. I'm thankful for those who dedicate their lives to ensuring that TCKs are given the best, safest, most meaningful, and rewarding educational experience possible. And Becky, thanks again for facilitating this discussion for us!

A quick note to book club members: As always, please feel free to keep the conversation going in this thread. Please note that while the facilitators have committed to participate during the week of their chapter, they may not be able to continue in our discussions as we move on. Thanks for all your fantastic stories and insights so far, Everyone!

This comes quite late, and for that I apologize. But I want to thank you, Katarina, for leading our discussion on dealing with transition. Thank you for making yourself available to us in the midst of your busy schedule to encourage us to think about this important topic.

A quick note to book club members: As always, please feel free to keep the conversation going in this thread. Please note that while the facilitators have committed to participate during the week of their chapter, they may not be able to continue in our discussions as we move on. Thanks for all your fantastic stories and insights so far, Everyone!

This comes a bit late, and for that I apologize. But I want to thank you, Janet, for leading our discussion on building a strong foundation. Thank you for finding time for us in your busy schedule, and for sharing your insight with us, which has come from years of meaningful work and relationships with the TCK community.

A quick note to book club members: As always, please feel free to keep the conversation going in this thread. Please note that while the facilitators have committed to participate during the week of their chapter, they may not be able to continue in our discussions as we move on. Thanks for all your fantastic stories and insights so far, Everyone!

This comes quite late, and for that I apologize. But I want to thank you, Lois, for leading our discussion on unresolved grief in the TCK experience. Thank you for your warmth, wisdom, and encouragement this week! Clearly this topic resonates with TCKs, and this week's conversation has been helpful for many of us.

A quick note to book club members: As always, please feel free to keep the conversation going in this thread. Please note that while the facilitators have committed to participate during the week of their chapter, they may not be able to continue in our discussions as we move on. Thanks for all your fantastic stories and insights so far, Everyone!

This comes quite late, and for that I apologize. But I want to thank you, Michael, for leading our discussion on developmental issues in the TCK experience. Thank you for sharing your insights, experiences, and valuable time to join our conversation this week!

A quick note to book club members: As always, please feel free to keep the conversation going in this thread. Please note that while the facilitators have committed to participate during the week of their chapter, they may not be able to continue in our discussions as we move on. Thanks for all your fantastic stories and insights so far, Everyone!