“Sometimes your assertive request will trigger a negative response from your partner, and they’ll resort to destructive tactics: attack, defend, detour, or withdraw. For example, in attack mode, they may mock or try to ridicule you. In defend mode, they may call you a hypocrite and point out all the times when you do similar things to those you’re complaining about. In detour mode, they may agree to your request but not follow through on it. In withdraw mode, they may refuse to discuss it and leave the room.

[...] In these moments, your unhooking skills are essential. An emotional storm will blow up, and you’ll need to drop anchor. The next step is to see whether you can de-escalate the situation by saying something like: “I’m not trying to attack, or judge, or blame you. I’ve no desire to do any-thing like that. I love you, and I want us to have a better relationship.”

And then you’ll need to ramp up your assertiveness and take it to the next level. There are six powerful assertiveness techniques for effectively responding to any barrier”