Mariketa > Mariketa's Quotes

“That took balls."

"Please," I said with a snort, "that took ovaries. Of which I have two.”
― Darynda Jones, First Grave on the Right

“My fore-parts, as you so ineloquently put it, have names.”

I pointed to my right breast. “This is Danger.” Then my left. “And this is Will Robinson. I would appreciate it if you addressed them accordingly.”

After a long pause in which he took the time to blink several times, he asked, “You named your breasts?”

I turned my back to him with a shrug. “I named my ovaries, too, but they don’t get out as much.”
― Darynda Jones, First Grave on the Right

“Never knock on death's door. Ring the doorbell then run. He totally hates that.
- T-shirt”
― Darynda Jones, First Grave on the Right

“If I couldn't be a good example, I'd just have to be a horrible warning.”
― Darynda Jones, First Grave on the Right

“I stop fighting my inner demons. We're on the same side now. T-shirt”
― Darynda Jones, Second Grave on the Left

“Make it quick," I said when I picked up.
"Okay. Two men from the FBI are here." Cookie said. Quickly.
Crap. "Men in black are at the office?"
"Well, yes, but they're actually in more of a navy."
Crapola. I so don't have time for men. In any color. "Okay, two questions. Do they look mad, and are they hot?"
After a long, long, pause, Cookie said, "One, not really. Two, no comment at this time. And three, you're on speakerphone."
After another long, long pause, I said, "Okie dokie then. Be there in a jiff.”
― Darynda Jones, Second Grave on the Left

“DON’T GO BUYING TROUBLE.
IT’S FREE AND IT KNOWS WHERE YOU LIVE.
—T-SHIRT”
― Darynda Jones, Second Grave on the Left

“Lead me not into temptation. I can find it myself. (T-Shirt)”
― Darynda Jones, Third Grave Dead Ahead

“I pointed in the general vicinity of my left ovary, "This is Beam Me Up." Then to my right. "And this is Scotty." Garret chuckled and buried his face in his hands. He asked.”
― Darynda Jones, First Grave on the Right

“WITH GREAT BREASTS COMES GREAT RESPONSIBILITY. —T-SHIRT”
― Darynda Jones, Second Grave on the Left

“It isn’t the fall that will kill you, but the sudden stop.”
― Darynda Jones, First Grave on the Right

“You’re just using me for my body.” “You don’t have a body,” I’d remind him.
“Throw that in my face.”
“Technically, you don’t have a face either.”
― Darynda Jones, First Grave on the Right

“Oh, and she told me that men want only one thing.
And on that note, I must give praise and thanks to the powers that be. I don't want much else from them either.”
― Darynda Jones, First Grave on the Right

“Can I jump in your body and make out with my wife through you?”
I fought a grin. “It doesn’t really work that way.”
“Then can you just make out with my wife and pretend I’m in your body?”
“No.”
“I can pay. I have money.”
“How much we talking?”
― Darynda Jones, First Grave on the Right

“NEVER BE AFRAID TO DART AROUND IN PUBLIC, HUMMING THE MISSION: IMPOSSIBLE THEME SONG. —T-SHIRT”
― Darynda Jones, Second Grave on the Left

“I WAS AN ATHEIST UNTIL I REALIZED I WAS GOD. —BUMPER STICKER”
― Darynda Jones, Second Grave on the Left

“I'd have a longer attention span if there weren't so many shiny things.”
― Darynda Jones, First Grave on the Right

“SOME GIRLS WEAR PRADA. SOME GIRLS WEAR GLOCK 17 SHORT RECOIL SPRING-LOADED SEMIAUTOMATIC PISTOLS WITH A LOADED CHAMBER INDICATOR AND A NONSLIP GRIP. - T-SHIRT”
― Darynda Jones, Second Grave on the Left

“While I was busy reminiscing about my first day on earth, I had forgotten that I was falling to my death. Damned ADD.”
― Darynda Jones, First Grave on the Right

“If life hands you lemons,keep them. Because, hey, free lemons.-T-Shirt”
― Darynda Jones, Third Grave Dead Ahead

“She shook her head then took off again, and I found myself struggling to keep up with her in my bunny slippers. With a sigh, I realized I was getting way too much exercise. I'd just have to counteract it later with cake.”
― Darynda Jones, Second Grave on the Left

“You hit me again," I said, growing oddly annoyed.
"Ya think?" Evil Riggs said. Smart-ass.
"Part of my brain hurts. I demand to know what that part of my brain is called and what its job is.”
― Darynda Jones, Second Grave on the Left

“I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger. - T-SHIRT”
― Darynda Jones, Third Grave Dead Ahead

“Holy shit, are you positive?"
"As a pregnancy test a month after prom.”
― Darynda Jones, Third Grave Dead Ahead

“There is a great need for a sarcasm font.”
― Darynda Jones, Third Grave Dead Ahead

“Did you get checked out?”
“Yeah, by a hot blond who sat in the corner of the bar and made googly eyes at me.”
“I meant by a doctor.”
“No, but a balding yet bizarrely hot paramedic said I’d be fine."
“Oh, and he’s an expert?”
“At flirting.”
― Darynda Jones, First Grave on the Right

“She's like a hurricane on crystal meth.”
― Darynda Jones, First Grave on the Right

“An integral part of any best friend's job is to immediately clear your computer history if you die.”
― Darynda Jones, Third Grave Dead Ahead

“If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is NOT for you. (BUMPER STICKER)”
― Darynda Jones, Third Grave Dead Ahead

“At first, I could lie about my lack of sleep and she'd fall for it, but she started suspecting insomnia when I began seeing purple elephants in the air vents at the office. I knew I shouldn't have asked her about them. I thought maybe she'd redecorated.”
― Darynda Jones, Third Grave Dead Ahead