Sam Martinez > Sam's Quotes

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#1

“Does a broken heart know from a different location?”
― Christopher Moore, Lamb: The Gospel According to Biff, Christ’s Childhood Pal

2 likes

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#2

“Unless you can change the past, you’re wasting the present on this guilt”
― Christopher Moore, Lamb: The Gospel According to Biff, Christ’s Childhood Pal

21 likes

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#3

“And watch out for Molly. See if she does anything unusual. There’s something I don’t trust about the way she exploded and then came back from the dead like that.”
― David Wong, John Dies at the End

244 likes

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#4

“Son, the greatest trick the Devil pulled was convincing the world there was only one of him.”
― David Wong, John Dies at the End

tags: devil, evil, trick

453 likes

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#5

“Welcome to Undisclosed. Dreams
Interpreted for Beer.”
― David Wong, John Dies at the End

13 likes

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#6

“Keep driving," said a soft voice in my ear. "She will not bite if you keep driving."

Fuck that. Fuck that idea like the fucking Captain of the Thai Fuck Team fucking at the fucking Tour de Fuck.”
― David Wong, John Dies at the End

tags: cursing, horror, humor

39 likes

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#7

“The situation has a real Lovecraft feel to it. Though, you know, if you come over it'll be more of an Anne Rice situation. If you know what I mean."
"Who's-"
"Because you're gay.”
― David Wong, John Dies at the End

44 likes

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#8

“John, let me make one thing clear,” Jim said, cutting me off in his most stern, evangelical voice. “Every man is blessed with his gifts from the Lord. One of mine happens to be a penis large enough that, if it had a penis of its own, my penis’ penis would be larger than your penis.”.....
..."Fuck all of you,” John retorted. “You don’t even exist. We’re all just a figment of my cock’s imagination.”
― David Wong, John Dies at the End

tags: dick-jokes, hilarity, humour, penises, stupid-boys

58 likes

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#9

“I keep the gun in a hollowed out copy of the Koran. And there the big book was, tossed on the bed, open and gunless. Nothing else disturbed. I mean, they actually checked my Koran to see if there was a gun inside. I knew I was dealing with a sick son of a bitch.”
― David Wong, John Dies at the End

25 likes

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#10

“My melon soul
Crushed by your Gallagher of apathy”
― David Wong, John Dies at the End

tags: funny, lyrics, random

28 likes

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#11

“Are the most dangerous creatures the ones that use doors or the ones that don't?”
― David Wong, John Dies at the End

tags: david-wong, jdate, john-dies-at-the-end

69 likes

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#12

“SHUT UP. Both of you. You're coming with me." To me he said, "Put some pants on."

"Fuck you. This is my house. I make the rules. You take your clothes off. John, get the Twister mat.”
― David Wong, This Book Is Full of Spiders

tags: favorite-books, funny, vulgar

96 likes

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#13

“Falling in love with a house or a car or a pair of shoes, it was a dead end. You save your love for the things that can love you back.”
― David Wong, This Book Is Full of Spiders

tags: love

56 likes

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#14

“Let's say you have an ax. Just a cheap one, from Home Depot. On one bitter winter day, you use said ax to behead a man. Don't worry, the man was already dead. Or maybe you should worry, because you're the one who shot him.”
― David Wong, John Dies at the End

tags: lol

67 likes

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#15

“Fred said, “Man, I think he’s gonna make a fuckin’ suit of human skin, using the best parts from each of us.”
“Holy crap,” said John. “He’ll be gorgeous.”
― David Wong, John Dies at the End

tags: horror, humour

128 likes

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#16

“To this day I don’t know if he was struggling with the moral implications of gunning down half a dozen civilians, or if he was mentally counting to see if he had that many shells left in the gun.”
― David Wong, John Dies at the End

tags: kindlehighlight

15 likes

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#17

“You see, Frank found out the hard way that the dark things lurking in the night don’t haunt old houses or abandoned ships. They haunt minds.”
― David Wong, John Dies at the End

70 likes

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#18

“Stephenie Meyer: Her vampires are sparkly, which I think we can all agree is wrong.”
― Christopher Moore

tags: books, stephenie-meyer, twilight, vampires

952 likes

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#19

“I love you above all things, even pie.”
― Christopher Moore, Fool

tags: humor

236 likes

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#20

“She's so small, yet she contains so much evil.”
― Christopher Moore, Fluke: Or, I Know Why the Winged Whale Sings

tags: humor

214 likes

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#21

“Reality is like a fruitcake; pretty enough to look at but with all sorts of nasty things lurking just beneath the surface.”
― A. Lee Martinez, Gil's All Fright Diner

tags: fruitcake, reality

97 likes

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#22

“When you cross over into the weird stuff, there's no going back. Hector has a theory on it. Calls it the law of 'Anomalous Phenomena Attraction.' He explained it to me once. Didn't really pay attention, but it boils down to 'weird shit pulls in more weird shit.”
― A. Lee Martinez, Gil's All Fright Diner

tags: funny, paranormal, weird

36 likes

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#23

“Ned passed the next few minutes quietly not dying in his office, and was pleased with how well it was going. He'd stayed alive longer, but now that he was concentrating on it, it felt more like an accomplishment.”
― A. Lee Martinez, In the Company of Ogres

tags: accomplishment, never-dead-ned, not-dying, staying-alive

13 likes

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#24

“I wanted to curl up into a fetal position and start sucking my thumb, let my tears and dripping saliva pool under me.

Sorry. I tried living, tried being sentient. Can't do it. Can't live in the same universe with that.”
― David Wong, John Dies at the End

tags: horror, wtf

22 likes

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#25

“Don't Panic.”
― Douglas Adams, The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy

tags: h2g2, hitchhiker-s-guide, humor, panic

4704 likes

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#26

“Would it save you a lot of time if I just gave up and went mad now?”
― Douglas Adams, The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy

tags: british, humor, science-fiction, social-commentary, thumb, towel

3659 likes

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#27

“If there's anything more important than my ego around, I want it caught and shot now.”
― Douglas Adams, The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy

tags: egotism, zaphod-beeblebrox

2269 likes

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#28

“This must be Thursday,' said Arthur to himself, sinking low over his beer. 'I never could get the hang of Thursdays.”
― Douglas Adams, The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy

tags: life, sci-fi

1722 likes

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#29

“He attacked everything in life with a mix of extraordinary genius and naive incompetence, and it was often difficult to tell which was which.”
― Douglas Adams

tags: humor

931 likes

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#30

“The Answer to the Great Question... Of Life, the Universe and Everything... Is... Forty-two,' said Deep Thought, with infinite majesty and calm.”
― Douglas Adams, The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy

tags: 42

1190 likes

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